rAll these years I believed her lies..."My biggest regret isn't actually leaving your father, and I do regret that, it's that I didn't give you any brothers or sisters to grow up with."
No, I definitely did not have anyone to share growing up with, for sure..
The reason? My step-father had a vasectomy after his only child, a son, was born.
And over the years, even this month, I've heard her scream at him how he wronged her by not being able to have children (I presume the vasectomy was a big secret? oh no it wasn't, you crazy fucking bitch) and over and over I hear the man apologize, so I assumed it must have always been true.
Why didn't she adopt?
I know the reasons why, and I want.... I was born and bred just to pass her fancy, making me do whatever the fuck, and when I got tiresome and mouthy, she threw me out into the street and started ADOPTING dogs and cats and horses and corn snakes.
This morning, as I was trying to figure out where I was as she screamed at me to get the fuck out of HER life, she wishes she NEVER HAD ME, and this beratement happened whilst I was sleeping on a hardwood floor with one sheet and one blanket and two shirts for a pillow, as this happens I then hear something that by the day enrages and disgusts me further and further "GOOD GIRL JIZELLE! YOU ATE YOUR BREAKFAST, GOOD JOB! G0OD GIRL!!" "GOOD BOY MOOSE! YOU'RE BREATHING!"
WHERE WAS MY PRAISE?
WHERE WAS MY ADORATION?
WHY THE FUCK IS A DOG GETTING PRAISE *FOR EATING* WHILE I HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE LESS THAN DIRT?@?>#@?#@?
YOU FUCKING BITCH
I AM NOT OK, NOT ANYMORE, NOT AFTER TODAY
WHY AM I 32 AND JUST NOW ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE THIS
BECAUSE SHE FUCKING CRIPPLED ME, THE CONTROLLING BITCH
GODDAMNIT AND I NEVER BLASPHEME BUT GOD YOU FUCKING WELL HEARD MY PRAYERS AND YOU FELT MY PAIN AND ANGUISH, I WAS PUSHED INTO A FUCKING SCIENCE EXPERIMENT FOR ONE AFTER ANOTHER, YET YOU DID NOTHING?>
THIS IS NOT OK, AND I AM NOT. I HAVE SUFFERED SINCE I WAS LITERALLY BORN AND FROM THE TIME I COULD STAND IT WAS "DON'T BREAK THINGS JASON! BE CAREFUL! YOU'RE SO CLUMSY MY GOD! DON'T BREAK THAT! DO THIS, BUT BED CAREFUL DOING IT! YOU DUMB BASTARD, WHY COULDN'T YOUR FATHER RAISE YOU! WHY ME?>!?>!>?!?!"
why me?
why?
why
why
why
why
why
it's been eight years since I cried, and I never will again. I will hurt no longer, I refuse. I fucking flat out refuse.
that fucking bitch left a good man (with a house) after bleeding him for his good sperm and swapped him out for a drunk living out of his pickup truck (with a camper shell) and lied to me as always "your father didn't appreciate me so I left him"
That's not true you conniving whore, it's because EVERY TIME YOU TRIED TO SPEND HIS MONEY, HE PUT YOU IN CHECK
SO YOU FLASHED YOUR TITS AND MOVED ON TO A DRUNK GOING THROUGH A ROCKY DIVORCE
MY MY, I SENSE A TREND, ONE TOWARDS PSYCHOTIC CONTROL. DRUNK HUSBAND, DOGS THAT ARE SO FUCKED THEY CAN'T EVEN EAT BECAUSE THEY'RE SO CONFUSED, CATS WHO SHOW UP TO EAT AND RUN AWAY, HORSES UNDER LOCK AND FOOT 24.7, TWO CORN SNAKES THE BITCH FUCKING KILLED (EVERY SINGLE PERSON ***INCLUDING ME**** TOLD HER "Captive born and bred snakes should never be fed wild food, and damn for sure not released into the wild, the parasites and shit will kill them if the cold doesn't"- so, throwing the advice of dozens of people away she let her snakes go, like a fucking catch and release but instead of being a humanitarian trying to help something, it's a crazed out of control drunk with power woman WHO HASN'T HELD A SINGLE JOB IN NEARLY 7 GODDAM YEARS FUCKand who knew, the widlest shit ever, within a month she found BOTH snakes dead around the barn, bodies covered in parasites and bite marks from rats. Rats they'd never seen and weren't prepared for OH MY GOD SHE'S FUCKING BATSHIT INSANE, THINGS DIE BECAUSE OF HER...things like me..) AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, HER ONLY CHILD, RITALIN SUPERSTAR AT YOUR SERVICE, READY TO BE TORMENTED AND ABUSED ON EVERY LEVEL, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE INSANE AND THE "man" BESIDE YOU DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE, PLEASE DISCARD IN THE GUTTER AND BEGIN SPINNING LIES TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FEELING GUILT PAIN REMORSE OR (worst of all) LIKE YOU ARE IN ANY WAY WRONGING ANYONE OR PREVENTING THEM FROM LIVING A NORMAL, PRODUCTIVE LIFE
I want this to end john, it ends right now. your fucking experiment is over. thanks for all the fantstic TRUTH you have brought me, and like as always here I am ALL ALONE TO FEND FOR MYSELF AND FIGURE SHIT OUT THAT I AM NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE
I am days away from being in the street again, like 6 days, and being treated like dirt NOW WAS THE TIME TO FIGURE OUT RELIGION WAS A LIE, MY MOTHER WOULD RATHER SET ME UP TO DIE AND CAST ME INTO THE GUTTER THAN TO HAVE LESS THAN TOTAL CONTROL OVER ME? OH, AND I HAVE LET'S SEE
ADHD
DEPRESSION
BPD
SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEMS
NO GIRLFRIEND
HELL NO FRIENDS
NOTHING
I am not a science experiment john, I am presently stuck here with no idea what to fucking do, just in so much pain and torment you.....know all too well, don't you. I am so angry right now, I have literally nothing to lose...what do I do? I have no idea, and quite frankly
neither do you, do you?
saw your scores, problem solving and critical thinking are NOT your forte, and some critical thinking might have told you STOP TORMENTING MIKE, FOR FUCKS SAKE, NOT RIGHT NOW, HE'S
breaking, but that's what you wanted all along, wasn't it? Turn me into a killer or be noble and take my own life.
or how much pain am I willing to endure? how much how much, how much is a pretty good question. i've got a library in my head of photagraphically accurate anger and suffering, wishing i was dead, wishing wishing wishing
but crying alone to sleep all the same. all the same...when does my suffering end?
i want that day to be today.