I tried to do this exact task in 1988 when I was 7 years old. I got about a hundred of them only. And I took the hundred to my parents because I had just proved everything they believed was a lie. And rather than answers, I was given an exorcism.
For asking questions about their Evil.
You have to answer for all this Evil, or you have to renounce your Evil, or you need to die.
There is no sane alternative option, but perhaps you'd care to tender the outline of your proposed alternative, if you disagree with sanity?
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http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/abs/long.htm
Absurdity in the Bible
Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. And the LORD will take away from thee all sickness. -- Dt.7:16
Genesis
God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5
Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11
"He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16
"I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat."
Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God's advice is more than a little reckless. Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer and smarter than God. 1:29
"He rested."
Even God gets tired sometimes. 2:2
"The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."
God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. Eat from the the first, and you live forever (3:22); eat from the second and you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway. Adam ate from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he never got a chance to eat from the tree of life. God prevented him from eating from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and live forever.) 2:9
God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-20
God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1
God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11
God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14
God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. 3:17-18
God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve. 3:21
"Behold, the man is become as one of us."
God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they will become "like one of us" (?) and live forever. 3:22-24
Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14
"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice that he had sexual relations with that woman, but where in the hell did she come from? It wasn't his mother. 4:17
Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
"And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? Where are these women coming from? 4:26
God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2
The first men had incredibly long life spans. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11, 5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29
Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24
When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25
When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons.
[Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or several?] 5:32
"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men."
The "sons of God" had sex with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4
"The LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh."
God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are "flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them. 6:3
"There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5
God repents. Say what? 6:6-7
"Noah was a just man and perfect."
Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his children (9:20-21). 6:9, 7:1
"Behold, I will destroy them with the earth."
God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. 6:11-13
Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15
God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450 foot ark for ventilation. God thinks of everything. And every animal and human in the ark would have suffocated. 6:16
"Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens."
How did Noah know which animals were "clean" and "unclean" to God? (It wasn't defined until Leviticus was written.) 7:2
Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11
All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14
"And God remembered Noah."
Yeah. He probably said something like, "Isn't Noah the guy who built the ark?" 8:1
"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11
"And the Lord smelled a sweet savor."
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because humans are evil. The mind of God is a insane thing. 8:20-21
According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered."
God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again. (Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right. I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do."). 9:9-13
"Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent."
Noah, the drunk and naked. 9:20-21
The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies (see 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 10:1-32
"Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."
God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. Jesus Christ, chill out God. 11:4-6
God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and scattering them [humans] abroad. Hundreds of millions of innocents have been slaughtered in wars which, at their core, were fought because humans could not communicate with each other. 11:7
Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
"I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee."
God will bless you if you bless Abraham and curse you if you curse Abraham. Fuck Abraham. 12:3
The Amalekites were smitten prior to the birth of Amalek (from whom they descended). Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7
Abraham laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will have a child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively. 17:17
Abraham was 99 years old when he circumcised himself, along with his 13 year old son, Ishmael, and his 318 slaves -- all in one very busy (and painful) day. 17:23-27
Abraham feeds God and three angels. Why is God eating? Good manners? 18:1-4
"He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat."
Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19) 18:8
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham. You should not worship a schizophrenic who doesn't ever question his mass murders until after he has committed genocide, but is wracked with uncertainty about whether he needs privacy. 18:17
"I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save the children? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
"And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and become sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. That's a good "work-around". 19:8
Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
Lot's nameless wife looks back with empathy at the slaughtering of so many innocent children, and God turns her into a pillar of salt, killing her. 19:26
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story about incest. 19:30-38
Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode. God repeats himself a lot.) 20:2
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
After the water ran out, Hagar left Ishmael alone to die. But God heard the infant crying, so he had an angel cry to Hagar from heaven, telling her not to worry. God heard the child's cry and opened Hagar's eyes so she could see a well, filled with water. God said he'd make Ishmael a great nation, and the child became an archer. 21:14-20
Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to Exodus 6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah. 22:14
God swears to himself. 22:16
Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children without any help from God. 25:2
Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7
Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17
"She was barren."
In the Bible it's always the woman that are "barren", never the men. And when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little boys. 25:21-26
Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22
Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil soup. 25:33-34
Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7
Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and 13:3.) 28:19
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30
Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25
"And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob came home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics and the validity of male prostitution. 30:15-16
And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12
Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." What the fuck? Seriously. 32:24-30
Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25
God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go. God is Jacob's bitch. 32:26-29
"What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name. Or maybe he was just checking that Jacob knew it?) 32:27
God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28
"Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret. Why?) 32:29
"Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a logical reason!) 32:32
"I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God."
Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (Genesis 32:30), he ought to know what God looks like. So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau. So all those pictures of God that you've seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with red hair all over his body. 33:10
God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10
Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't stick. 35:15
Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28
Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43
Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (Gen.14:7) 36:12
"He rent his clothes." 37:29
"And Jacob rent his clothes." 37:34
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
Pharaoh's first dream.
There were these seven fat, good-looking cows that came out of the Nile, followed by seven skinny, ugly cows. The skinny cows ate the fat ones. 41:1-4
Pharaoh's second dream. This time seven skinny heads of grain at seven fat ones. 41:5-7
None of the Pharaoh's magicians or wise men could interpret his dreams, so they called Joseph. Joseph said it was simple. God was going to send seven good years followed by seven years of famine. And the famine would be world-wide and "very greivous." 41:8-32
There was a seven year, God-created famine over the entire earth. 41:56
"All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn."
The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. Insider trading. 41:57
"And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him."
Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Bible (and the Quran). 42:8
Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15
Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28
"He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Why? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? 49:11-12
Exodus
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in only a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26
The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE. (BBC: The tale of the basket) 2:3
God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26
God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3
Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively). 6:16, 18, 20
In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says, "Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." This is God attempting wit. 6:12, 6:30
God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick. Say what? Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) God is more powerful than the Egyptian magicians' gods. 7:9-13
After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. (Rats!) Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not explained. One presumes Moses and Aaron turned it back to water to give the sorcerers a chance. God is sportsmanlike with sorcerers. 7:17-24
The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7
Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19
The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21
The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6
But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a couple more times.
The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast. Hahah. 9:9-12
Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. (Who would want to?) 9:14
God gave power to the Pharaoh so that he could show off his own power by killing him. (God is a tool.) 9:15-16
The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." God kills the beasts again. Was he bringing them back to life each time? 9:22-25
God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. Whoa! Burning ice. 9:24
God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2
Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5
Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings." 10:21-23
God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13
"And the pillar of the cloud went from before their face, and stood behind them." 14:19
"It was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these."
God's special cloud was a cloud of darkness to the Egyptians, but a cloud of light to the Hebrews. 14:20
God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21
The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to 9:3-6 there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23
"The Lord ... took off their chariot wheels."
God (the devious mechanic) personally removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. Take that! 14:25
God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8
Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25
God appears to the Israelites and speaks from a cloud promising to send lots of food (quails and mana) from the sky. 16:10-12
It took the Israelites 40 years (14,600 days) to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a short journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35
God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6
As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered. 17:11-12
"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God is still fighting the humans that descended from Amalek. Why is God fighting humans? But one hope's Moses can still keep his hand up, or God is going to be sfscrewed. 17:14-16
"Moses went up unto God, and the LORD called unto him out of the mountain." So God is a talking mountain? 19:3
God's got it all planned out. He will cover himself with a cloud, so that the people can hear him speak, so they'll believe whatever the hell Moses tells them forever. 19:9
God tells Moses to get ready for the third day, when he'll come down the mountain and stand in front of all the people. (Never happened.) 19:11
A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18
Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem. God thinks of everything.) 20:26
If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." One presumes to teach the ox a lesson that couldn't be taught by normal procedure. 21:28
If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29
God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28
Moses, Aaron, and seventy of their companions saw God. (They even got a peek at his feet!) 24:9-11
Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30
God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall be made "for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40
God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30
Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. Even God needs his privacy, and no one likes being surprised. 28:34-35
God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." God really gets down and dirty, instructing Moses. 28:42
Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
"They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43
God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. (?) 29:14
God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This will make them "hallowed." (?) 29:20-21
God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This is a wave offering. Sounds like a Saharan witchdoctor's routine. 29:22-24
Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper. God ain't playin. 30:20
Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." (God is no longer interested in humanity, it's Us against Them.) 30:33
And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. (Are we clear?) 30:37-38
God's finger. 31:18
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35
Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. (What a champ!) 32:11-13
"And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to anyone? And what about this whole timeless thing? How can you repent if you already know the future? 32:14
"I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf."
Aaron just threw the gold earings into the fire and (Presto!) out came a golden calf! Happens to all of us. 32:24
Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf. 32:25
Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning) 33:23
God's name is Jealous. 34:14
Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28
After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the Israelites. 34:30-35
Leviticus
God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
"For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 6:15, 6:21
"It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10
"The fat that covereth the inwards ... and the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver.... It is ... a sweet savour unto the Lord." 3:3-5
"The fat ... the whole rump ... the inwards ... the two kidneys ... burn it upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the LORD." 3:9-11
When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he doesn't like to share! 3:16
"If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't you have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful? Not with God, he kills people for accidentally touching things. 4:2, 13, 22, 27
"The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6
"And the skin of the bullock, and all his flesh, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung...."
What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from your burnt offerings. 4:11-12
"If the whole congregation ... sin through ignorance" 4:13
"Bring of the bullock's blood ... And the priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:16-17
"Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour out all the blood ... and ... take all his fat from him, and burn it upon the altar." 4:18-19
"When a ruler hath sinned ... through ignorance" 4:22
"If any one of the common people sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats, a female without blemish, for his sin which he hath sinned."
If a common person sins through ignorance, then kill a female goat. (More important people must kill male goats.) 4:27-28
"He shall take away all the fat ... and ... burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour unto the LORD." 4:31
"If a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle, or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty."
If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2
"Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3
"Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good ... he shall be guilty."
If you swear to do something evil or good, you'll be guilty. 5:4
"He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6
"The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish."
If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15
"If a soul sin ... though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity."
If you sin against your own will, you are still guilty. So if someone forces you swear you'll do something good, by holding a gun to the head of your child, you're guilty. Hahah. 5:17
"Whatsoever shall touch the flesh thereof shall be holy."
Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering is holy. All these offerings to God for all these unknown sins, and the priests become holy and fat. 6:27
"Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver." 7:3
"The priest shall have to himself the skin of the burnt offering."
The priest gets all the skin to himself. Lucky! Not to mention, he becomes holy for eating the free food. 7:8
"And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan, and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it."
The priest also gets all the meat in the frying pan. And he's holy for getting free food. 7:9
"And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have."
And Aaron's sons get all the meat and oil. Not to mention, they're holy for forcing people who didn't know they'd done anything 'wrong', to give them free food. 7:10
"The flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings for thanksgiving shall be eaten the same day that it is offered; he shall not leave any of it until the morning."
Be sure to eat all your sacrificed animals the same day that you kill them. Leftovers are not allowed! No refrigeration or reheating facilities? 7:15
"If any of the flesh of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day ... it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrifcial animals on the third day after you kill them. That is an abomination to God and he will never forgive you for it! 7:18
"And the flesh that toucheth any unclean thing shall not be eaten."
Don't eat any of your dead sacrficed animals if they have touched any unclean thing. 7:19
"But the soul that eateth of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings ... having his uncleanness upon him, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
Don't eat any sacrificed animals while you have your uncleanness upon you. If you do, you'll be exiled. 7:20
"Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any abominable unclean thing, and eat of the flesh of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the LORD, even that soul shall be cut off from his people."
If you touch any unclean thing (like "the uncleanness of man, or any unclean beast, or any other abominable unclean thing") while eating sacrificed animals, you will be exiled. 7:21
"Ye shall eat no manner of fat ... for whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD ... shall be cut off from his people."
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or you will be exiled. 7:23-25
"Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood ... Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of blood, even that soul shall be cut off from his people." 7:26
"The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD." Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30
"And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31
"And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32
"He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33
"For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute forever. 7:34
"Moses brought Aaron and ... he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:6-7
"The Urim and Thummim"
The Urim and Thummim were like the two sides of a magic coin that could be flipped to to give a yes or no answer to any question. They were also what Joseph Smith used to translate the Book of Mormon. 8:8
Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32
"Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar." 8:15
"And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar." 8:16
"But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:17
"Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 8:23
"And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24
"And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25
"And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27
"Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28
"And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29
"And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments." 8:30
Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21
"And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar." 9:9
"But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses." 9:10
"And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver." 9:19
"And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21
God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24
God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7
If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9
"And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14
"The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15
God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15
Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12
Bats are birds to the biblical God. He's pretty dumb. Almost, as dumb as humans. Hmm. 11:13, 19
Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20
Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23
Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31
If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41
"The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8
"Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination." (?) 11:41
"Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42
"Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." Creepy. 11:43
"She shall be unclean."
Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification. (And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do. This is really fucked up, morons.) 12:1-5
"If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4
"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days."
If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are twice as dirty as boys. Christians, please line up in front of the gas chambers, and don't push your way to the front of the queues. 12:5
"She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. Also, priests gotta eat right? 12:6
"She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7
"if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8
"And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean." 13:40
"And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean." 13:41
God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. Mother Theresa thought she knew better than her God. If you were unaware, every Pope throughout history has confirmed "Biblical infallibility" (the literal word of God). No redacting, of Evil. They need all their Evil. 14:2-52
"Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ... and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4
"And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose." 14:7
"And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ... And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD." 14:10-12
"And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13
"And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ... put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14
"And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the LORD." 14:16
"And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the blood of the trespass offering." 14:17
"The priest shall offer the sin offering ... and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering." 14:19
"If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22
"And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:" 14:24
"And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25
"And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the LORD." 14:27
"And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the blood of the trespass offering." 14:28
"And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30
"Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering." 14:31
"He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:1-15
"Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4
"And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5
"And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6
"And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7
"And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8
"And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9
"And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10
"And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11
"And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water." 15:12
"He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
"If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16
"And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17
"The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18
"And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:20
"And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:21
"Whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:22
"And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even." 15:23
"Every bed whereon she lieth ... and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean." 15:26
"Whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean." 15:27
"This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean." 15:32-33
"I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat." 16:2
God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28
"Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14
"Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat." 16:15
"Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about." 16:18
"He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19
"Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Israel, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit man into the wilderness. And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities." 16:21-22
Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25
"Keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations ... that the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you." 18:26-28
"Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." Many Christians interpret this to be a Holy decree demanding racism. 19:19
God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23
"Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times."
Don't eat anything with blood, or use magic or astrology. 19:26
"Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard."
Don't round the corners of your head or beard. 19:27
"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you."
Don't get any tattoos. Or go to a nightclub. 19:28
Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31
If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of your must be burned to death. ROFL. 20:14
Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5
The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother." The high priest is not to practice necrophila, just in case he was contemplating it. 21:11
Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. All Christians need to die. 21:16-23
Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God. 21:18
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20
A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." Cross your fingers, lepers. 22:3-5
What to do if you eat some holy thing unwittingly. Important stuff that you need to know about. 22:14
God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18
"Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. Don't kill any blind , broken, maimed, female or scabbed animials for him. It will just get him pissed off. (And, since you've been reading Leviticus, you know what God does when he's pissed off.) 22:19-24
God won't accept animal sacrifices from strangers, since strangers have blemishes and are corrupt. "Fuck off, humans." -God. 22:25
Don't kill animals for God until they are at least eight days old. And don't kill mother and her young on the same day. You can kill the mom on one day and her young on the next. 22:27-28
"Keep my commandments, and do them."
God wants everyone to do all the stuff he's commanded in Leviticus. 22:31
God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. We're talking about humans, if you had forgotten. War war war, that's what God is 'good' for. 26:8
God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice.
Children never get to choose. 26:16-41
"And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins." (?) 26:18
"I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21
"I ... will punish you yet (another) seven times for your sins." 26:24
"And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied." 26:26
"And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me ... then ... I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins." 26:27-28
"I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours." Oh Joe say it ain't so! 26:31
Numbers
The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51
The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." This means you can drag your wife to the priest every day for this test. 5:11-31
"And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled."
If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not. 5:14
"Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:15-17
"And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:19
"Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21
"But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22
"And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24
"And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27
"And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." Um. So the wife goes to see the priest and he gives her some "bitter water" yadda yadda and if she didn't cheat, she shall conceive seed? So when she has a son nine months later that looks like some other guy or the priest, this is proof that she was faithful to her husband. Belly didn't rot, did it? Congratulations you're a father, snicker. 5:28
"Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:31
"Take the Levites ... and let them shave all their flesh ... and so make themselves clean."
To get really clean, you've got to shave off your pubic hair. That sort of thing should really be your prerogative. 8:6-7
All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal. And the rest belong to...? 8:17
When the tabernacle was set up, it was covered by a cloud during the day and by fire all night. Hey, that's God! 9:15
God led the Israelites from one camp to the other with a cloud. When the cloud stopped and rested someplace, the Israelites pitched their tents. When the cloud started moving again, the Israelites followed it. 9:16-23
"And if ye go to war ... ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets ... and ye shall be saved from your enemies." Tactically and strategically sound. 10:9
God continues (mis)leading the Israelites through the wilderness with a cloud. 14,600 days for a 10 day journey. You'd think they'd smell a rat? 10:11-12
"And the cloud of the LORD was upon them by day." 10:34
"And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them. Don't fucking question insanity. 11:1
The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck. Complaining motherfuckers. 11:4, 19-20
"As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." (?) 11:12
God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20
God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31
"Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness"). 12:3
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Numbers 31:14-18
14 And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, with the captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, which came from the battle.
15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?
16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.
17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.
18
But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.
I'm going to kill 100 Christians before I die. They're really meek. ALL the female children who haven't lost their virginity, yours! God said so. Moses, aka God. Meek guy. More meek than any man on the Earth (God's opinion). This is the literal word of God. (ref: the Pope)
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"If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! It was Moses! No one saw that coming. 12:6
"And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14
"They ... cut down ... a branch with one cluster of grapes, and they bare it between two upon a staff."
A single cluster of grapes was so heavy that it took two men to carry it. I guess that's what you'd expect, though, since they were in the land of giants. (See verses 32-33.) 13:23
"And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement is an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
"Moses and Aaron fell on their faces." 14:5
"Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes." 14:6
"All the congregation bade stone them with stones."
The people have had enough of wandering around in the desert and they don't much want to fight giants (see 13:33), so they decide to stone Joshua and his merry men (with stones). 14:10a
"The glory of the LORD appeared in the tabernacle of the congregation before all the children of Israel."
But before the people get started with the stoning, God shows up in all his glory. 14:10b
God tells Moses that he is going to kill all of the Israelites -- every last whining one of the them, and then make a whole bunch of brand new Israelites. Hahahah. He does this a lot, doesn't He? 14:12
Moses tries to talk God out of killing everyone by telling him that the Egyptians will hear about it and will say that he wasn't able to lead the Israelites to Israel, so he killed them all instead. See how Moses manipulated God there? God is a three-year-old toddler. 14:13-19
Thy cloud standeth over them, and that thou goest before them, by day time in a pillar of a cloud, and in a pillar of fire by night." 14:14
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 14:33, 32:13
God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24
"If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals. And this doesn't benefit the rich at all. 15:27-30
Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39
"And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face." 16:4
"The glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation." 16:19
"And they fell upon their faces." 16:22
After burning the the 250 guys that offered incense, God tells Moses to keep their censers (because they are holy) to remind everyone not to offer incense without a license. 16:36-40
"Behold ... the glory of the Lord appeared." 16:42
"And they fell upon their faces." 16:45
"Take a censer ... and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them."
Moses tells Aaron to burn some incense to make God quit killing people. (God just killed 250 for burning incense.) 16:45
Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds. 17:8
"And the children of Israel spake unto Moses, saying, Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish .... Shall we be consumed with dying?" 17:12-13
"They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close. This is a Bible verse you can actually benefit from. 18:3
God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when he says "forever"? Christians? 18:17-19
"Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die." 18:22
"Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." Have you been to Jerusalem? God they need to clean up that shithole. 18:32
"This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded."
These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for everyone on earth. 19:1-22
The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe that when a red heifer is born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was born in March 2002 and has been declared ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years it can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they say, the end of the world. You can read all about it here in the National Review. 19:2
"Take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle ... seven times."
God's instructions for putting blood on fingers, sprinkling it around, and then burning the dung of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about. (That's why it's in the Bible!). 19:4-5
"Then the priest shall wash his clothes, and he shall bathe ... and shall be unclean until the even." (The guy who burns the dung also has to take a bath, which sounds like a pretty good idea to me.) 19:7-8
"And a man that is clean shall gather up the ashes of the heifer ... and it shall be kept ... for a water of separation: it is a purification for sin."
After you kill and burn the dung of the red heifer have a clean guy gather the ashes and then be sure to keep them for "a water of separation: it is a purification for sin." 19:9
"He that gathereth the ashes of the heifer shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even; and it shall be ... a statute forever." 19:10
He that toucheth the dead body of any man shall be unclean seven days." (Bad news for undertakers and coroners.) 19:11
He shall purify himself with it on the third day, and on the seventh day he shall be clean: but if he purify not himself the third day, then the seventh day he shall not be clean." (Use the "water of separation" made from the ashes of the dung of the red heifer. See 19:9.) 19:12
"Whosoever toucheth the dead body of any man that is dead, and purifieth not himself ... shall be cut off from Israel: because the water of separation was not sprinkled upon him, he shall be unclean; his uncleanness is yet upon him." 19:13
"When a man dieth in a tent: all that come into the tent, and all that is in the tent, shall be unclean seven days." 19:14
"And every open vessel, which hath no covering bound upon it, is unclean." (Don't you just hate it when people leave the lid off containers?) 19:15
"And whosoever toucheth one that is slain with a sword ... or a dead body, or a bone of a man, or a grave, shall be unclean seven days." 19:16
"And for an unclean person they shall take of the ashes of the burnt heifer ... And a clean person shall take hyssop, and dip it in the water, and sprinkle it ... upon him that touched a bone, or one slain, or one dead, or a grave. And the clean person shall sprinkle upon the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day: and on the seventh day he shall purify himself, and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and shall be clean at even." (Well that sounds simple enough!) 19:17-19
"But the man that shall be unclean ... shall be cut off ... the water of separation hath not been sprinkled upon him; he is unclean." 19:20
"It shall be a perpetual statute ... that he that sprinkleth the water of separation shall wash his clothes; and he that toucheth the water of separation shall be unclean until even." 19:21
"And whatsoever the unclean person toucheth shall be unclean; and the soul that toucheth it shall be unclean until even." 19:22
And they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them." 20:6
Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the promised land. 20:8-12
Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11
God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6
To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake do not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes. Moses 1 God 0. 21:8
"The Book of the wars of the Lord"
(One of the lost books of the Bible. It would have been too horrifying for even the sickos who compiled the Dead Sea scrolls to include.) 21:14
"And the ass saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23
God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" God didn't know. 22:9
God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as God had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! God is starting to lose the plot. 22:20-22
Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30
"Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he ... fell flat on his face." 22:31
God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22
Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) 24:7
God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8
God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21
In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29
"The LORD's anger was kindled ... and he sware."
Even God gets angry and swears sometimes. 32:10
"The LORD's anger was kindled against Israel, and he made them wander in the wilderness forty years." That's a lifetime. 32:13
If a person accidentally kills someone, then she should go to a city of refuge. If she can get to the city of refuge before the "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) can catch her, then she is safe, at least until the high priest dies (I don't know what he has to do with it). But if she is caught outside the city of refuge, then the revenger of blood can kill her. If you were moving to a city of refuge, you could kill anyone along the way really. If you have a fast enough WRX. They'll wait for you outside. The joke will be on them. Make sure you protect the high priest, the whole city will keep that guy alive ROFL. 35:11-12
"But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest. If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer. I don't write the rules. 35:26-28
Deuteronomy
"The people is greater and taller than we ... we have seen the sons of the Anakims there." More giants in the promised land. 1:28
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5
God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19
"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21
"The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done. 2:14-16
Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11
When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." Which precludes the requirement for children to fight, no? 3:22
"Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the all the Evil in the current version, FOR EVER. 4:2
God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and diseases on the other humans.) 7:14-15
God will send hornets to kill your enemies (other humans), "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." That's putting it mildly. He's worse than Niggerstop. 7:20-23
The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years. (God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones! Mine had toes poking through holes I had to keep on cutting wider.) 8:4
God makes people wealthy (or poor).
So if you're poor, you've pissed God off. 8:17-18
"A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims."
More giants! 9:2
"When I was gone up into the mount to receive the tables of stone ... I abode in the mount forty days and forty nights, I neither did eat bread nor drink water." 9:9
Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." Hah. 10:16
After God instructs the Israelites to
mercilessly slaughter all the strangers (humans, crime of being not known to you) that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." God is fucked up. 10:19
God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands.
Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32
Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1
"Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing." 14:3
This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. God struggled with biology. 14:7-8
Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10
To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. (God struggles with biology, and repetition.) 14:11, 18
Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. Hahah. And don't boil a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. Cause...that's not cool? 14:21
Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky!
Sucks if you're poor. 17:1
God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8
Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." Like poor people (Deuteronomy 8:17-18). They make nice decorations. 21:22
Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." Gambowl is Catholic. 22:5
"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together." 22:10
"Thou shalt not wear a garment of diverse sorts, as of woollen and linen together." Oh my. Everyone has to die. 22:11
Thou shalt make fringes on your garments. God is into fashion. 22:12
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. This is the literal word of God. 23:2
God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the Lord. 24:4
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. Sigh. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12
"I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead.
Don't worry God. I haven't offered any food to dead people. 26:14
Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
"Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20
"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:21
"Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen." Wait, what? The Bible is full of incest. 27:22
"Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen." 27:23
"Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." (Double jeopardy? Double cursed. ?) 27:26
"Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. Fucking... 28:16
"Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out." You're cursed. Get it? 28:19
"And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron." Where's Clive Palmer. 28:23
"The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed." (This happened to Hiroshima and Nagasaki.) 28:24
"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28
"The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." (Or alternatively, you can kill them [Dt.7:2, 16]) 28:43-44
The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't make them like they used to! 29:5
God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6
"Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33
God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8
Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17
Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial. 34:5
Joshua
"Her house was upon the town wall, and she dwelt upon the wall."
Since Rahab's house was built on the wall, how did she and her family survive when the wall fell down? (See Joshua 6:20) 2:15
The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. Glory! 3:8-17
At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." (eww!) 5:2-3
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6
"Loose thy shoe from off thy foot."
The "captain of the Lord's host" visits Joshua and delivers the all-important message: "Take your shoes off." 5:13-15
"And Joshua fell on his face." 5:14
God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5
Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19
Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13
And Joshua ... fell to the earth upon his face." 7:6
"And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10
"The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11
In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing of other humans done before dark. 10:12-13
"The Lord fought for Israel." Against other humans. I wonder what kind of weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass. 10:14, 10:42
"And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...." 12:4, 18:16
One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you." Fighting other humans. 23:10
God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. To kill other humans. 24:12
Judges
Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7
"The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."
Come on. They had chariots of iron! He's not omnipotent or anything. Gosh. 1:19
God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to drive out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30
An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3
God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2
"Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber."
"Covering his feet" is the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom." 3:24
Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31
"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3
"The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? Remember, astrology is banned. 5:20
"The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. God always has excuses when he loses battles. 6:1
"They (the Midianites) came as grasshoppers for multitude; for both they and their camels were without number."
Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Numbers 31:7), and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:6
"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD."
This is always step three in God's four-step slavery/slaughter plan. 1: The Israelites do evil in the site of the Lord; 2: God sells them into slavery; 3: The Israelites cry unto the Lord; and 4: God kills the people he sold the Israelites to. 6:7
"There came an angel of the LORD, and sat under an oak ... And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour." 6:11-12
"And the LORD looked upon him, and said..."
God joins in the conversation with Gideon and the angel. 6:14
To prove he's for real, the angel makes fire come out of a rock, burning the flesh and cakes. 6:20-21
"The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet." 6:34
Gideon needs some (more) signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. (The burning flesh sign from 6:20-21 didn't satisfy him.) So he puts down some wool on the ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40
"The people that are with thee are too many."
God tells Gideon to reduce the size of his army so that they couldn't claim to have killed all the Midianites without him. God doesn't like to share credit for his killings. 7:2
God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. (?) 7:4-7
"And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you." 7:7
The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea shore." ROFL. 7:12
Some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents. The barley cake smote the tent and -- well, anyway, it was a sign from God that he and Gideon would massacre the Midianites. 7:13-14
Gideon's men break three hundred pitchers while holding lamps, blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon." 7:16-20
"Gideon made an ephod ... and all Israel went thither a whoring after it." 8:27
Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5
And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15
"Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy and that's why you should drink poison. 9:13
God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other.
God is not neutral. God creates the Evil. 9:23-24
Abimelech and his men burned to death 1000 men and women who were trapped in a tower. (They had really big towers back then.) 9:49
"Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities." 10:3-4
God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).) 10:7
"And the children of Israel cried unto the LORD." 10:10
"And the LORD said unto the children of Israel ... I will deliver you no more ... Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen." 10:11-14
"And the children of Israel said unto the LORD, We have sinned ... And they put away the strange gods from among them, and served the LORD: and his soul was grieved for the misery of Israel." 10:15-16
"He rent his clothes." 11:35
42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Jephthah's army. 12:6
"Ibzan ... had thirty sons, and thirty daughters, whom he sent abroad, and took in thirty daughters." 12:8-9
Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14
"The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years." 13:1
"And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son." 13:2-3
"The child shall be a Nazarite from the womb."
According to Numbers 6:6 Nazarites are not to touch any dead bodies. But Samson was a mass murderer. He must have touched hundreds of dead bodies. (Or did he just kill his victims, being careful not to touch them after they were dead?) 13:5
A man of God came unto me [Samson's mom]."
She didn't ask him any questions and he didn't tell her his name. A priest? How did she know it was God's man? 13:6
"The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her."
Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. 13:9
"Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?"
The angel had a secret name. (Clarence?, 007?, agent 99? Father, Padre..?) 13:18
"The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife ... fell on their faces." 13:20
"But the angel of the LORD did no more appear to Manoah and to his wife. Then Manoah knew that he was an angel of the LORD."
Manoah and his wife knew the angel was from God because they never saw him again. ROFL. Bible Logic. 13:21
"And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24
Samson's lust for the Philistine woman was "of the Lord." It was all a part of God's plan for killing Philistines. 14:4
Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh, flies, and maggots?). 14:5-8
"I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness."
That's the riddle. Whoever can figure it out before the week of partying is over will get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever can't will have to give Samuel 30 sheets and 30 garments. 14:12-13
"Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire." Samson's party buddies are taking the riddle seriously. They tell Samson's new Philistine wife to tell them the answer to the riddle or they'll burn her house down. 14:15
"And she wept before him the seven days ... and ... on the seventh day ... he told her ... and she told the riddle to ... her people." 14:17
Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4
"The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15
After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19
Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just a sociopath? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3
Delilah is paid by the Philistines to find out the magical source of Samson's strength and how he could be restrained. She asks Samson three times. He says he'd become as week as any other man if he were tied up with bowstrings. So she does that, but he breaks the bow strings. She askes again and he says to use ropes. So she uses ropes, but he breaks the ropes. Next he says to weave his braids into a cloth. So she does that, but he breaks out of that one too. 6:6-14
Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength was from God.) 16:17
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
They give this shit to children to read. I read it all the first time when I was seven. 19:22-30
"The children of Israel ... gathered together as one man [along with] four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword."
After receiving the Levite's rotting-concubine-body-part-message (see the last chapter for the gory details), the entire population of Israel along with 400,000 soldiers gathered together to decide what to do about it. 20:1
"I took my concubine, and cut her in pieces, and sent her throughout all the country."
The Levite tells everyone his story (leaving out the part about how he gave his concubine to the mob to do with as they pleased), explaining the mysterious rotting body part messages that brought everyone in Israel together. 20:4-6
"And all the people arose as one man, saying...."
Can't you just picture it? After hearing the Levite's story, the entire population of Israel spoke in unison, saying "We will not any of us go to his tent, neither will we any of us turn into his house." 20:8
The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss. 20:16
After the Benjamites refuse to turn over the men from Gibeah (the town that wanted to have sex with the Levite but settled for his concubine instead), the Israelites asked God which tribe should go to war with them. God said the tribe of Judah should go first. So Judah goes to war, but the Benjamites with their sharp shooting lefties kill 22,000 Israelites. 20:18-21
After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again) if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed. Sfowned. 20:23-25
Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask again (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promises (he was just kidding the last couple times) that he "will deliver them into thine hand." 20:26-28
God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41
After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry. [There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)] 21:1-7
But they find a great solution. They check their records and find that no one from Jabeshgilead came to the rotting-concubine- body-part meeting. So they'll go and steal their women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:8
Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are destroyed out of Benjamin?" 21:16
"We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin." 21:18
So they come up with another brilliant plan. Have the Benjamites hide in the bushes and then catch the daughters of Shiloh when they come out to dance. So that's what they did and everyone lived happily ever after. True story. 21:19-23
Ruth
"Then she fell on her face." 2:10
In the first chapter of Ruth (1:11), Naomi is too old to conceive, but now, in the fourth chapter, she functions as a wet nurse. 4:16
1 Samuel
"The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." 1:5
"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy, another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
"And the Lord visited Hannah [again], so that she conceived." Did he get her pregnant in the usual way? 2:21
A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli figured that the voice must be God's. So the third time that God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10
God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11
Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18
When the Israelites saw the ark of the covenant, they shouted so loud that the ground shook. 4:5
The Philistines set the ark of God next to the god Dagon, and the next morning Dagon had mysteriously (miraculously?) fallen on his face. The same thing happened the next night, only this time his head and hands were cut off, too! After that, no one ever entered the house of Dagon again. 5:2-5
God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that is the way the cows went. So by this superstitious method we know that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 6:7-12
After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." Seriously. 6:4-5, 11, 17
The LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them." 7:10-11
After God helped the Israelites slaughter the Philistines, Samuel erected a monument saying, "So far God has helped us." 7:12
Saul was the best looking guy in Israel and was a foot taller than everyone else. 9:2
God tells Samuel that Saul is the man he has chosen to be King. 9:17
Samuel found Saul's missing asses without even looking for them. You see, he's a seer -- just like Joseph Smith! 9:19-20
When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22
"When he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward."
Saul literally stood head and shoulders above any other person in Israel. (He was also the best looking.) 10:23
"But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27
Everyone (except the virgin women) in Jabeshgilead was killed by the non-Benjamite Israelites (see Judges 21:10-14), yet here just a few years later "all the men" are negotiating a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead men make treaties? I guess in the Bible they do! 11:1
"I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2
"And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! He's very mysterious. 11:6-7
"Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing humans is hard work. Why not wait until the temperature cools? 11:11
"So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain." 12:18
"Saul reigned one year; and when he had reigned two years over Israel...." Huh? 13:1
"Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines ... And Saul blew the trumpet throughout all the land, saying, Let the Hebrews hear."
After his son Jonathan killed some Philistines, Saul went around throughout Israel blowing a trumpet and saying, "Let the Hebrew hear." It is strange to read in the next chapter that Jonathan's God-assisted slaughter of 20 Philistines was "his first slaughter." Didn't this slaughter count, or what? 13:3
"The Philistines gathered ... as the sand which is on the sea shore."
OK. That might be a bit of an exaggeration. 13:5
"The LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart."
Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14
"In the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found."
There were only two swords in the entire Israelite army, Saul's and Jonathan's. 13:22
After Jonathan's first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with "a very great trembling." 14:15
"I did but taste a little honey ... and, lo, I must die."
Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43
"Samuel ... laid hold upon the skirt of his mantle, and it rent."
Samuel was so upset that Saul left one Amalekite alive (instead of killing everyone like God commanded) that he tore his skirt. 15:27
"The LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel?"
God tells Samuel to quit moping around about Saul and get out and find another king. 16:1-3
"An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? Then again, this explains a lot. God is demon-possessed. 16:14-16, 23
Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed him. 17:34-35
"David ... behaved himself wisely."
Like when he buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins a little later in this chapter. That was a tidy business. 18:5
"Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with him, and was departed from Saul."
Saul was afraid of David because "the Lord was with him." I suppose the Lord even tagged along with David when he cut off the 200 Philistine foreskins in v.27. Did God hold the penises as David cut them off or vice versa. 18:12
"And David behaved himself wisely in all his ways; and the LORD was with him."
Read the story below (18:25-28) to see an example of David's wise behavior when God is with him. 18:14
"All Israel and Judah loved David, because he went out and came in before them." 18:16
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
"And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
(How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28
"David behaved ... wisely." 18:30
And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9
"Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying ... the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied."
Saul sent messengers to kill David. But when they messengers arrived and saw everyone prophesying, the spirit of the Lord came upon them too and they began prophesying. 19:20
"And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise." 19:21a
"And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also." Everybody's prophesying, and shuffling. 19:21b
"He [Saul] went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied."
Finally, Saul comes to see what's going on and the Spirit of God comes on him too and he prophesies. 19:23
Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24
"David ... fell on his face." 20:41
David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12
"Saul went in to cover his feet." (Saul took a leak.) 24:3
"Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily."
David snuck in and cut off a piece of Saul's skirt while he was relieving himself. Saul was so busy with his business that he didn't even see David or notice that his skirt was being cut. 24:4
"If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22
When Abigail saw David, she ... fell ... on her face." 25:23
"Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall". 25:34
They were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them."
David and Abishai sneak into Saul's tent and steal his spear and water jug without anyone noticing "because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them." 26:12
"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before. God kills so many humans sometimes he has to kill them twice. 27:8-11
"And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6
Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines.
(Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
"Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel." 28:11
"An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel." 28:14
"And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?" 28:15
"David said unto Achish, But what have I done ... that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?"
David was disappointed. He wanted to go kill Israelites with the Philistines. 29:8
The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the Philistines! 30:1
"The Amalekites ... slew not any, either great or small, but carried them away, and went on their way." Christians like to say that the Amalekites were so evil that God had to kill them all, even their women and children. Yet here the Amalekites behave far better than the Israelites by not killing their captives. (Compare these verses with God's command to Saul in 1 Sam.15:3.) 30:1-2
"David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him." That sucks when that happens. 30:6
"And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely overtake them." 30:8
"David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men."
David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. He kills all of them except for 400 that escaped on camels. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8 and 27:8-9 for the last two times they were exterminated.) 30:17
{this is just Part 1. Part 2 coming....}
Statutory Ape's Task Work to Complete in Order to Justify his Right to Life
Hybrid Mode
