Originally Posted by
sonatine
I trust the intentions of people named Pym, but question their faculties...
Their intentions are almost always "to please". Sociopaths aren't motivated to do what
American Psycho suggests; and Hitchcock's
Psycho nailed the extreme end of the range.
But trusting their intentions would be a huge mistake. That's how they destroy you. I think you've got it around back to front. Their faculties are razor sharp. It's their intentions that will destroy you because their intent will almost always be decent, when they intend it to be. But it plays out very differently in Reality. At the other end of the range to Norman Bates, you have politicians and serial manipulators like I was at 16...and Aun.
Game over.
But then you can't get burned if you don't play the game.
I was no different than a chameleon "be all things to all men" sleazy politician when I was 16; although I imagine they're a bit better than I was with girls. Girls could spot my little hocus-pocus shit sometimes, in terrifyingly perceptive ways. It takes one to spot one, I guess; but it really got creepy because I was one without being able to spot one. I was little Pym. Obviously I didn't know what I was doing, or I wouldn't have been very good at it. The girls knew what they were doing, or trying to do; they just weren't very good at it. But they could see me coming from a mile away, and it's telling.
They'd been trained.
"So will I", Pym promised loyally and meant every word. Like Rick he was learning to live on several planes at once. The art of it was to forget everything except the ground you stood on and the face you spoke from at that moment.
I dropped the book when I read that. Something flickered inside my mind and the horror was not the confirmation that I'd managed to get played that way by Aun (I basically already worked that out, it only took me a few months of agonising puzzling day and night, just trying to make sense of her; I'd watch her shrewdly, barrel her with questions and change gears on her on impulse just to see how she'd respond - "like a highly functional robot, in sync or seemingly even intuitively one step ahead", was what I discovered)...what horrified me was that I had been a sociopath before. And I was becoming one again, even before Aun.
Sociopaths aren't 'bad' people. They just don't feel what you feel. Their damaged by trauma, they've 'evolved' (but you can't trust where you're going if your starting point has been corrupted). They're handicapped and never happy; the clue will always be in their
needy. You have heard of the Pope, yes? You won't find many people more
needy than that guy, or the guys trying to undermine him, in 7 billion
needy victims of 'hereditary' trauma.
But sociopaths can't feel what you feel so they will rationalise anything they want, basically; and because your suffering = null, they're pretty fucking dangerous. But mostly, they just want you to like them. I didn't want to be liked in order to gain trusted access to your little sister so I could chop her legs off and wear her hair for shoulder fur; but it doesn't take much stone-stepping to understand the danger they present if they are pedophiles. I would wager _very_ few dangerous sociopaths are violent, because violence would preclude their capacity to be charming (the two are not remotely compatible traits). But it's not the violent sociopaths that are dangerous; they end up in prison or dead or an asylum or they snivel around in fear, afraid of one or all three.
It's the highly functional sociopaths that are dangerous because without even realising what they're doing, they'll manipulate and machinate and contrive a complex series of events purely to charm your little sister into sucking their cock (if that's what they sub-consciously want to do). She won't be entirely innocent, but then everyone is confused about
mea culpa. I would do shit like this all the time, but not with children; just with things I wanted but didn't realise I wanted until hah! Would you look at that...
Serendipity.
I had no interest in children but mothers sure liked my bullshit. What I'm not entirely sure of, is whether I even fooled them or not. I'm not sure how I could have. I was horrifically
polite.
Originally Posted by
onestep
So when I ask Marina who cuts my Board Head Chipotle Gouda if it is fresh, I am playing this "game" because I am putting my trust in her to tell me the truth?
I had to look up wtf that was. I thought it was a haircut.
No the
victims of the game Trust, Love, Believe and have Faith. It's the
predators who demand Trust, Unconditional Love, Unquestioning Belief, and want you to have Blind Faith in them. They'll deliver!
A reality check, without even intending to. They'll mean what they say when they say it; even they'll be fooled. That's the only way you can really fool someone who's not desperately looking to be taken advantage of.
Victims (unless they're children, and even then it's awfully blurred) really only have their Self (or lack of Self) to blame. Anyone who even _wants_ any of those things from you is going to betray you, 100% of the time. Love has never existed happily ever after; it's a short-term manipulative lie we tell ourselves in order to [insert your reason here].
What is the reason for love? Why do you want exclusive use of a person or to give away exclusive access to you to another person? What is this obsession with bonding everyone has?
Short answer: Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
Trauma: First love betrayed.
99% of the time, it's going to be mom. Watch a toddler with its mother, they'll be in love. At some point, and though few reach the age of 32 failing to let go of the teat (ahem), you'll fall out of love with each other. Love doesn't end mutually for the same reasons sex doesn't end in sync. If it ends for the mother, the child becomes a cutter. If it ends for the child, the mother becomes overbearing until she eventually resigns herself to losing her child to Humanity.
I'm not sure what happens to cutters, and I'm fairly certain I couldn't care less.
_____________
There are no innocents. This is my Original Thought. You have to have been willing to fall for The Original Lie. The lie is that you're Special enough to be loved by a sane person to the exclusion of Humanity.
Children get sucked into that stupidity very easily; but that doesn't mean they're any less 'at fault'. When I realised all this, ALL the trauma floated away. It's all a lie from start to finish. It cannot hurt me because it was never real. What's more, I was
at fault. The Reality was that I was not Special enough to be loved nor did I ever want to be. Why would you want to exclude Humanity?
I suddenly wanted to be in lots of places at once. There was a lot of fun to be had that Special people cannot have, what with all their fretting and concerns and VIP responsibilities and reputations to uphold and cares to attend to etc.
But any friend that ever tries to make you feel bad that you're not trusting them should probably be Rested In Peace, as the humane line. The only way you can get burned is if you want to play the game, and it's a moronic game of emotional lying and manipulation. There is no way to get someone to love or trust or have faith in you without manipulating their emotions; those religious constructs are batshit insane (in this world).
In a sane world, it would be optimal. But in this world?
You really don't want to go around advertising exploitability. You look like a shark to anyone decent, so you scare them away. To anyone looking for victims, you're like a magnet.
This is who I was for a decade.
It's telling that no one bothered to remedy my delusions. This is a cannibalistic world and I'm unbelievably dull in a vacuum. I simply will _not_ get something unless someone points it out to me, and it's been the bane of my existence that we live in a world of imbecilic shrewd who value secrets and cannot understand their precious secrets aren't worth anything unless they're traded with people of value. Those people are not going to be going around looking to trade. They'll just be giving their value away. I understand they're rare. That's telling as well.
I have a lot of value. I always have. But I've reached maybe 1% or 3% (?) of my potential because everyone wanted to _use_ me rather than _invest_ in my potential. This race has been reduced so low, imbeciles not only live in the moment; they're incapable of living outside the moment. If they were capable, they'd be able to understand the potential of human value is as limited as you're willing to reduce it to...
Or cause it to sky-rocket.
Mai had one of the prettiest faces I'd ever seen. I didn't want to fuck her, I was going to leave her to her fate. This is what everyone does. We leave children to their fate. We live in the moment, all we think about is how we can use people in the moment.
How do you think that plays out for our fate? Even short term, it's fucking disastrous. How many girls with faces like Mai survive undamaged even for another 3 years in her position? With that face? 1%? I'd be stunned if it was that high. We're leaving our fate in the hands of the worst managers imaginable. But I understand. You all know everything already.
I didn't become a sociopath by accident. I just stopped trying to invest in my own interests; because when I did that I got destroyed. But I'd recover, pick myself up and try for optimality again. And get destroyed. Over and over, until I couldn't invest in anyone because their
needy had reduced me into believing I had no value.
That's going to be one of the quickest journeys from Illusion to Reality you could ever take that doesn't involve violence or death.
I no longer had the confidence that I was in the position to give advice to my friends. They were always, girls and guys, almost always solely focused on extracting short term 'value' out of me. I was playing a long ball game but not for long; very quickly, I was playing a survival game. Then I was playing no game because I no longer felt I had anything to offer; at which point, the screaming was insane and it gave the entire game away.
The fucking
needy of this world is insane. When I was at my lowest, their desperation and their screaming would be dialed up to insanity, and I didn't want to accept the implications so I just ran away and fled overseas. They're still stalking me. My close friends still
need me, half a dozen years on. They're in love. I'm not sure they'll ever give up.
They want to _help_ me.
They're worried for my mental health.
_____________
My point about optimality on paper being insane in Reality is very, very valuable insight. Like, I am literally retarded but I've always had momentus capacity for value. I'm a bit like ~7.3 billion people in that way. Or ~30 billion or more. All value unrealised, if you're not understanding what I'm trying to say.
And I'm talking about an exponential curve.
3500 years of religion bending Humanity the other way. It's horrifying. You know, we're not doing very well in this game. It's fucking insane.
I had huge value and I've made some people incredibly rich when they realised I was not normal; I was
giving hugely valuable AP casino secrets (but incredibly
simple mathematics and statistics really, this is just a world reduced to a level...) away and getting death threats from people who thought I was insane. I kind of was insane but I was sick of all the shrewd and the sniveling and the sub-optimality of all the
genuine insanity. It's just so inefficient.
Everyone imagines they're ahead of the game.
But I was also sub-consciously screaming for help because I was getting destroyed by casinos who had good reputations but were refusing to pay me. They'd pay everyone else, I'd see the evidence but they refused to pay me. I literally was too 'brilliant' for my own good which is another way of saying I was so retarded I burned off hundreds of thousands bashing my head against the wall of Reality. I was paper optimal. And in this Reality, that's very nearly the dumbest fucking thing you can do. Period.
Some humans who saw opportunity took a risk on me and I was broken, for real. I've never
really recovered from the string of horrors that came one after another after I realised money doesn't buy you happiness, it guarantees you misery (unless you're a sociopath, then it guarantees you the illusion of feeling 'pleased' that others envy you; whatever floats your demented boat). But I was very close to noose; sick of this world of endless shrewd and I'd just started half trying to help people, half not giving a fuck, half screaming for help, half screaming in pain (yeah I can't do maths very well, but then when I scream it doesn't sound like Mike, and it's a function of capacity for value - it's worth comparing his screaming and the screaming I was doing on BB forum because we were both screaming for the identical reasons). It just sounds a little different and it's a function of capacity to contribute.
I was screaming 'like' Mike and getting death threats for giving the imbeciles all these closely guarded secrets, but I didn't care. I was dying. Then an AP on BB forum PM'd me and haltingly told me I was overplaying the maths. He'd never done anything like that before, because it's sub-optimal to trade with shrewd minds. Whomever initiates the trade has the back foot; you'd be like a shrewd haggler in a Bangkok market asking how much?
You're going to walk away with or without the product but I can guarantee you on your life, you will not walk away having made a shrewd exchange.
But this AP told me I was over-shooting targets and then he proceeded to go through all the detailed breakdowns but I didn't need to read past that first line; all the maths were completed in my head when the puncture through my mental block was made and I screamed, angrily. I'm a moron without
accurate intelligence, feedback, data (i.e. Truth) showing me where I'm wrong.
I'm 100% certain I'm like ~30 billion people that have come and gone, in this way. ~7 billion fucking morons remain; this insanity could get turned around but it won't. We've long since passed the point of no return, on insanity.
I made that AP very rich. It was one of the first truly Selfish things I've successfuly managed to do. I'd been trying to enter into exchanges like that my entire life. At 28, I finally managed to do what every human should have been doing for the last 3500 years, but they're too fucking demented to understand that life isn't lived inside the bubble of the moment they're in.
They've just been led to feel that way.
I made him a great deal of money, and some others as well. I was pretty broken by this stage but I was so grateful for the reach out that snapped the insanity of "WHY ME?" that I decided I wanted to fight the exploitation and so I went after Bryan Bailey and the Consumer Player Advocate, I bankrupted Tradition and destroyed Rome before their multi-million budget ever got off the ground (but they idiotically spent it anyway, trying to recover a worthless name - Tradition just rebranded ROFL - Gibson Casino, same servers, same licensing, same personnel, same affiliates, new URLs). I did a lot of damage and I was a big, big problem at one point; and then....well, there's a reason why people are loathe to trade.
Everyone is emotionally insane.
But if you have Value, you can find Value, and then you'll have made (fuckloads more than two) x Value just by combining games. I made those APs a fortune and it just kept paying off like a Slot machine that's rigged to 300%. Everyone's a winner. It's impossible to lose combining Value and Value.
It's the leeches that ruin the game.
A year later the same AP was laughing at my face-planting during another one of my rants about Aun, and he awkwardly 'joked' that I was an "
emotional cutter". I was silent for awhile, in awe. He got all nervous thinking I got offended (omg), and rushed to pacify my hurt feelings. He didn't want me to be offended in my imagination.
I wasn't offended. I was laughing. I didn't think for a second I was an emotional cutter, it was just a great line. The next morning I woke and screamed, angrily.
I was an emotional cutter. I'd been cutting my Self for as long as I can remember.
But then I imagine yall are looking for love in all the wrong places as well. There's no right place to look for it. Only junkies are addicted to poison.
Love has always been The Original Pain 'Relief'.
This one you should read. I'm getting closer. I'm very close now.
Hybrid Mode
