Reppat: lazy, selfish, will do anything but take responsibility for yourself
Lazy is debateable, unmotivated/depressed highly likely. Medication goes a long way, it exists for a reason.
Selfishness is the bane of my existence. I haven't found a workaround for that yet. Only child growing up on nintendo and massive amounts of ritalin haven't produced what society wants, not yet anyway. I am aware of it (and making strides)
I take FULL responsbility for my situation and place in life and I have been very up front about that. For the time being, while I dig myself out of this hole, I make it a point to show my shitty life to others in the hopes I might persuade through example. It doubles up to feed my ego and narcissism (and need for attention- holy fuck, I'm a basketcase! ONE THING AT A BLOODY TIME PLEASE CHRIST)
I may be a little burned out for the time being, but make no mistake, I am a workhorse, always have been.
just gets tiresome when, year after year, you keep getting older, things cost more, yet you get paid almost the exact same, and you keep meeting guys in their 40's and 50's doing the same exact thing... SO I WENT TO COLLEGE!!!!
And yeah that was a more or less a waste of time (and source of a LOT of frustration. I am not a damned chemist nor do I enjoy it. it's not my cup of tea, that's how the cookie crumbled) I have a piece of paper that says I read books well. Hooray!
My autubiography I can picture the cover now- my shoes pointing straight ahead, toward a gravel path that is doused in red paint like a giant zero, you know the cicrle with a line going through it saying stop, warning etc. My life (to this point) has literally been a succession of bad decisions, poor planning and far too much....imagination. Like, thinking I am much smarter than I really am, believing things "will just work themselves out" and what not.
I have a lot to be happy and thankful for, so moving forward I am going to concentrate on the positives I have going-
pretty young, in stellar shape
affable, great with people (especially strangers)
credit is clean, needs to be built up, but all of my old debts (some going back to when i was 18) are FINALLY cleared
I am rid of cocaine, for good. Have been for some time actually. That seems to be overshadowed by my predicament but really it's like I was released from prison after 8 years of horror. Just being totally out of control in life, being a slave to my addiction-UGH)
Thanks primarily to Scuter I restored my sense of self and moved on, away from a good many things that haunted me. Old heartaches and deeply rooted fears and misunderstandings haunt me NO MORE. I spent 6-7 years treasuring the very things that poisoned me from within. My step-dad said to me "you've got your memories, and that's enough." and he is 100% right.
The military legitimately wants me for either linguistics or IT (or medic which was my pref but really I kind of dig working on computers all day. I nap. A LOT) so my career aspirations are on the up (I have looked in to some combined IT/business degrees that REALLY look promising. Information Technology Management, I believe it's called http://www20.csueastbay.edu/ecat/und...ad.html#minors that's just one school, one program, but the underlying idea is solid and I am well suited for it.)
So, yeah I don't have a car, nor any disposable income, nor a girlfriend/wife, no stable place to live and my emotional landscape tends to be...well, a bit splotchy.
But all in all I have my head up as high as it will go. If I can dodge cancer I'm pretty much a shoe-in to see 50, and without ever getting anally pillaged on camera for some randy arabs on jizzbolah haha.
a psychopath is someone who has a irrational scale of responses to situations and lacks a sense of boundaries regarding responses. eg a psychopath will justify murder based on rage/anger/the release of anxiety/compulsion.
a sociopath lacks an empathic sympathy/connection with other people, murder for a sociopath is not an emotional affair, its simply interesting or a challenge.
psychopathic behavior can be environmentally induced (project monarch, etc). sociopathic tendencies are a defect and generally accepted to be something certain people are born with an inclination towards.
that said, where the human mind is involved, things are rarely cut and dried.
I bolded something that has always bothered me- the biggest piece of my shit puzzle I call a life has been something I can only describe as living in a video game. I have never "played by the rules" because my mind has never perceived them as relevant. It wants what it wants, I do what I want or am motivated to do, and I just don't see/respect authority or rules the same as pretty much the rest of the human population.
My shining example (which, truth be told, was largely done not for a girl I would have been scared to touch anyway, but just for the excitement and the challenge of actually pulling off something SO CRAZY that people still can't believe I did it)
yeah, for good reason I have come to find out. it's not fucking normal to DRIVE to south dakota from california to see a girl I'd barely spoken to in nearly a year. I convinced myself of many things leading up to that trip, but all in all, I knew it would turn out badly. I'm not rapist and she had a boyfriend, I couldn't really pinpoint what exact factor spurred the trip but one thing is for certain-never once did the idea that showing up across the country uninvited and unnanounced is - does scary work here? I was 30lbs heavier than today as well, scary probably fits for a 19 year old girl to get THAT visit from some guy she knew from the internet and had never met in her life face to face.
oh, and I bought a car to impress her. lovely.
these things concern me. legitimately.
i mention these points as I find it very relevant and worth discussing (for my benefit, and who knows who else's down the line) that I can always see my actions and behavior as being right or wrong AFTER all is said and done
but in the moment, there's nothing but:
1-what i want
2-what I have to do to get it
3- how fucking unreal it will FEEL to acquire/accomplish x
my insane doggedness and capacity for problem solving WELL outside the box (what box) can be lucrative and should serve me well in a career of some kind, yet instead I'm out galavanting about the country like an unsexed bloodhound or being taken advantage of by others like some forrest gump retarded stooge.
I never pegged you for the type to psycho-analyze, kind of settled on cobson being the best at that (introspection and slap you in the face with reality being Scuter's personal talents, imo) but do be my guest Sonatine. Is it worth nothing that I can see my faults and recognize my behaviour being out of line ard erratic, and wanting to change these flaws?
i'd like to be normal someday, and not scare off girls for the rest of my life. I hardly date, it's like "why bother, work on yourself first, for now one night stands are as good as it gets, otherwise shit gets weird real fast"
and ya, so now I'm 32.
tick tock....tick tock
give it your best shot. I got some great advice from Scuter and Cobson and, in truth, spending time here on skatz has given me some experience with social interaction I've largely avoided my whole life (one on one interactions, especially with people I hardly know I am a MASTER at, hence why such a great salesman and manager of a salon/supp store) yet interpersonal relationships that go further than exchanging a phone number seem to always end in disaster, or fizzle, depending.
Kind of frustrating.
Also I do have a sense of certain boundaries, like for example I might lash out (though I never threatened to kill you) in the moment when I'm angry/frustrated and try to hit below the belt anyway I can (I get that from mom, it's how she's survived this hostile world, by manipulating people- I really don't mean to do it, in fact I apologized on PFA and deleted my posts) but after 2-3 minutes it's like nothing ever happened. I was fairly irrate because it seems like you are always trying to get under my skin, and you're damned GOOD at it, when you want to be.
i don't see you doing that to really anyone else, on any site, and it's frustrating because you've ALWAYS treated me that way. You have your reasons, they are yours and yours alone, but I've never had a good spot to explain why i flip out toward you at times, and that's why. I hardly notice when other people troll me, they probably just suck at it. In person I'd buy you a beer, it would be kind of awkward, one of us would creatively find some reason to politely exit and that's that. hell I was nervous as hell metting heeb and a random lurker from what's negreanu's (hope I spelled that right) site? full contact poker? I met some guy and his wife a while back, we pm'd a few times, this being 2007-2008 poker wasn't DEAD TO ME and we were going to get some homegames going. If you can believe it I was actually terrified the guy would turn out to be some weirdo and slash my throat in the bathroom
or worse-hit on me.
so ya if I got nervous meeting dudes from the internet I was sure I could kill or disembowl if I wanted to I can't fucking imagine how a certain someone felt when I called and said i was literally 10 minutes away....
Goal here for me I think is certainly to learn from past irrational behaviour but really- I literally have zero empathy/connevction to people. None. So, if possible, how might I gain a sense of perspective that other's have such that I can see MY actions through THEIR eyes, weigh the situation and such at the time, and get a sense of how they feel. Is this possible?
I bolded something that has always bothered me- the biggest piece of my shit puzzle I call a life has been something I can only describe as living in a video game. I have never "played by the rules" because my mind has never perceived them as relevant. It wants what it wants, I do what I want or am motivated to do, and I just don't see/respect authority or rules the same as pretty much the rest of the human population.
My shining example (which, truth be told, was largely done not for a girl I would have been scared to touch anyway, but just for the excitement and the challenge of actually pulling off something SO CRAZY that people still can't believe I did it)
yeah, for good reason I have come to find out. it's not fucking normal to DRIVE to south dakota from california to see a girl I'd barely spoken to in nearly a year. I convinced myself of many things leading up to that trip, but all in all, I knew it would turn out badly. I'm not rapist and she had a boyfriend, I couldn't really pinpoint what exact factor spurred the trip but one thing is for certain-never once did the idea that showing up across the country uninvited and unnanounced is - does scary work here? I was 30lbs heavier than today as well, scary probably fits for a 19 year old girl to get THAT visit from some guy she knew from the internet and had never met in her life face to face.
oh, and I bought a car to impress her. lovely.
these things concern me. legitimately.
i mention these points as I find it very relevant and worth discussing (for my benefit, and who knows who else's down the line) that I can always see my actions and behavior as being right or wrong AFTER all is said and done
but in the moment, there's nothing but:
1-what i want
2-what I have to do to get it
3- how fucking unreal it will FEEL to acquire/accomplish x
my insane doggedness and capacity for problem solving WELL outside the box (what box) can be lucrative and should serve me well in a career of some kind, yet instead I'm out galavanting about the country like an unsexed bloodhound or being taken advantage of by others like some forrest gump retarded stooge.
I never pegged you for the type to psycho-analyze, kind of settled on cobson being the best at that (introspection and slap you in the face with reality being Scuter's personal talents, imo) but do be my guest Sonatine. Is it worth nothing that I can see my faults and recognize my behaviour being out of line ard erratic, and wanting to change these flaws?
i'd like to be normal someday, and not scare off girls for the rest of my life. I hardly date, it's like "why bother, work on yourself first, for now one night stands are as good as it gets, otherwise shit gets weird real fast"
and ya, so now I'm 32.
tick tock....tick tock
give it your best shot. I got some great advice from Scuter and Cobson and, in truth, spending time here on skatz has given me some experience with social interaction I've largely avoided my whole life (one on one interactions, especially with people I hardly know I am a MASTER at, hence why such a great salesman and manager of a salon/supp store) yet interpersonal relationships that go further than exchanging a phone number seem to always end in disaster, or fizzle, depending.
Kind of frustrating.
Also I do have a sense of certain boundaries, like for example I might lash out (though I never threatened to kill you) in the moment when I'm angry/frustrated and try to hit below the belt anyway I can (I get that from mom, it's how she's survived this hostile world, by manipulating people- I really don't mean to do it, in fact I apologized on PFA and deleted my posts) but after 2-3 minutes it's like nothing ever happened. I was fairly irrate because it seems like you are always trying to get under my skin, and you're damned GOOD at it, when you want to be.
i don't see you doing that to really anyone else, on any site, and it's frustrating because you've ALWAYS treated me that way. You have your reasons, they are yours and yours alone, but I've never had a good spot to explain why i flip out toward you at times, and that's why. I hardly notice when other people troll me, they probably just suck at it. In person I'd buy you a beer, it would be kind of awkward, one of us would creatively find some reason to politely exit and that's that. hell I was nervous as hell metting heeb and a random lurker from what's negreanu's (hope I spelled that right) site? full contact poker? I met some guy and his wife a while back, we pm'd a few times, this being 2007-2008 poker wasn't DEAD TO ME and we were going to get some homegames going. If you can believe it I was actually terrified the guy would turn out to be some weirdo and slash my throat in the bathroom
or worse-hit on me.
so ya if I got nervous meeting dudes from the internet I was sure I could kill or disembowl if I wanted to I can't fucking imagine how a certain someone felt when I called and said i was literally 10 minutes away....
Goal here for me I think is certainly to learn from past irrational behaviour but really- I literally have zero empathy/connevction to people. None. So, if possible, how might I gain a sense of perspective that other's have such that I can see MY actions through THEIR eyes, weigh the situation and such at the time, and get a sense of how they feel. Is this possible?
By your definitions (and my own sense of myself) I am definitely heavily toward sociopath, but I recall most/all sociopaths have a tendency to use people/sitiuations for personal gain, is this a true defning characteristic? Politicians and people who want to run huge corporations for example tend to be sociopaths, ask them and they'd tell you power is literally the only thing that motivates them, it's the only time they "feel" anything.
I certainly suck at manipulating people, but I can definitely empathize on the empty, dead and emotionless feeling. Aside from drugs or irrational behaviour, I don't feel shit. Nothing, not sex not large amounts of disposable cash make one iota of difference to me. I'm the kiind of person who gets a thrill out of doing things never seen or done before, no real desire for money and certainly not power. Sex is on the fence, I enjoy it but very much can and do without it. Kind of like a very nice steak, you don't HAVE to have steak every night, but it's certainly a welcome sight.
Deeper down the rabbit hole? You tell me. This might be interesting as well as informative and helpful for me.
Also (I got sidetracked) I appreciate SK weighing in and truth be told, I was just grasping at air, nothing more. The money and experience would be nice, I threw out the idea of hooking up with my cousin because she lives very local to thello, she is cool as shit, I don't want him getting any funny ideas so I mentioned the husband/daughter etc. Nothing more. Trust me she laughed pretty hard that I was going to have a camera mailed to me to videotape my experience with the worst drug she's ever heard of in her life, but she's still a hippy afterall. if I want anything it's a short train or car ride up there, not a big deal at all. She is, afterall, my only cousin. In fact she may as well be my only sibling all in all, my whore of a half sister lives a third of the distance away and oh nevermind.
Anyway- I meant what I said about water under the bridge- whatever my reasons were for being angry/resentful toward 2-3 people are literally old news. I'm happy to move on really, in truth I am aware of the fact that I can forgive MUCH easier than anyone can forget, so it's very much in my best interest to shrug shoulders/move forward. So SK (or anyone really) is certainly not in any danger, but things being kind of awkward I made some allowances for, and proposed a neutral 3rd party (who happens to conveniantly be the source at the same time- and just coinsidentaly lives very close to a person a shade more...dependable in skatz eyes than myself) to handle the goods/dinero. hell, I'll probably end up at her place much of the time, an idea I like very much being close to the ocean and sfsu.
Not perfect enough? Thello could easily drop the cash off in a drop box or something, i don't really care honestly. I literally have to spend 1-2 weekends with my cousin in the near future anyway, I'm trying to kill 4 birds with one stone here, you'd all do the same without a bloody CAR I think. It's tough to plan things out, and I must say I think I did a hell of a job lining things up.
Just need someone to catalyze the moment here and get the salt rolling so to speak, and let nature take her course.
AND JAZZ HANDSING WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT TINE BE HONEST HERE
How about making a post detailing this week, monday to friday, with what work you have done (paid or unpaid) and what jobs you are looking for and trying to do.
Give us something positive, then once you have the disposable income and the means to be a fuckup, fine go spend as much on blow as you like.
But no sob storys and excuses and repetiticoius autobiographies of yourself that are of no interest to us and hold zero entertainment value.
I mean you dont see those world vision kids harping on 3 years ago when they couldnt even find a trash can to eat from. They get their $80 a month and get the fuck to school and hope when they grow up they will be able to own their own trash can full of nutrition.
REPEAT, YOUR NOT SPECIAL, YOUR BARELY INTERESTING, YOUR THOUGHTS AND STORYS ARE BORING, DULL AND PAINFUL.
Additionally the next time you try to come up with a "cool story" at least plaigarise one of bobs, something about taking acid and having threesome with hippie chicks at the dead concert, whilst selling racoon skins behind the merch tent and filling in on stage for a local bands bass player due to a bad trip.
Honestly I literally want to give you (and the collective readers of the forums) whatever the hell it is you want.
Detailed summary of the week coming up (have a few hours to kill since windows refuses to cooperate and Tine isn't bothering to tell me if he can spare a bit of how-to or not to troubleshoot)
and I just dished out hella positivity! I delineated, step by step, the reasons I feel I have a 2nd shot at LIFE. That is fairly significant I think.
Linear Mode
