As boys to wanton priests...

[SkyNigger]

A question of genius...?

Hey gang! How’s things?

That’s grand. Say, do you have time for a chat? Oh, you don’t have time for you? That’s a pity. You must be a real VIP to be so important, that you simply cannot be expected to waste your time on your own best interests. I’m not interested in coercion, I’m a big proponent of your rights but then you might not realise the State giveth and the State taketh your rights away. It’s like taking candy from a baby.

You’re the baby.

No, you don’t have any candy. It’s been taken already. Your rights are gone.

Let me tell you how this all happened. Make yourself comfortable, because I’m going to tell you a story. I’m just trying to figure out an original opening line...ah, I think I know where to begin. Let's start where all good stories should start; at the beginning.

Of the end.

It was the best of the times (for Microsoft and Secunia and the entire Anti-Virus industry); it was the worst of times (for their victims / customers). You see, an entire industry of billions of $$$ had magically arisen out of thin air. This is a fairy tale, you see. Disney’s bid for the rights to the screenplay is expected at any moment now.

Yes, boys and girls. We’re talking about an honest-to-god, bonafide, legitimate fairy tale. The stuff of magic...!

A billion-$ industry had magically appeared out of thin air (and Microsoft’s oh-so-convenient ‘incompetence’). What a fantastical turn of events, for the Anti-Virus industry; suddenly there were viruses everywhere, requiring them to get to work getting rich. A bit of luck was involved, of course. I would consider myself too lucky for comfort, if suddenly there were more and more people being harmed by the product I was supposed to be protecting people from and profiting handsomely just for my hand in the racket.

The Anti-Virus industry isn’t a wilting violet like I am. They just waved their magician’s wand and created a billion-$ industry out of nothing. Magic is always impressive, until you’re shown how the magician does the trick. I’m going to show you how the trick is done. It’s an impressive trick, but of course you won’t be impressed once you see how simple it is. But you should be. You should be impressed. After all, I’m about to formally introduce you to Genius; the acquaintance of whom you likely have never made. That’s unfortunate for you. And it explains why you’re a mere proletariat, instead of kicking it filthy and Oprah-rich, like Dr Phil.

They both work really hard, though. I’ve always been disturbed by contradictions.

But the past is the past, and you had your chance to sidle up to Genius and introduce yourself - but you missed it, and there’s no point crying over spilt you. Your minimum wage job is also cool. You even have your own tie. And a fancy mass-produced suit to make you forget that your job needs formal wear like Hollywood needs another starlet to sleep with Derek Jeeter. But you’ve likely never bothered to contemplate the appropriateness (or otherwise) of your suiting up every day, to do your job. Don’t beat yourself up over it. The thought has clearly never crossed Jeeter’s mind, either.

We’re drifting off-track, however - talking about Jeeter and suiting up and protection. Let’s get back on topic; we were talking about viruses and infections. Of your computers. Chances are, just like Jessica Alba, you won’t even realise you were getting screwed, at the time. Jeeter is no genius, of course. He’s a filthy maggot. But the filthy maggots in the Anti-Virus industry, on the other hand? Trust me, infected oblivious masses, they’re geniuses all right. Allow me to introduce you.

Goodness gracious, the realisation just hit me that I don’t know who you are, really. Is it alright if I introduce you as Carl? I don’t know your name and likely couldn’t care less. At least I’m honest, but then I’m not selling anything to you, am I Carl? I’m not.

Genius is unfailingly polite. You’ll see, when I introduce you to him. Politeness is important, when you’re in his line of business. It’s important to make a good impression, and cover the suckers you’re about to scam in a warm blanket of cordiality. Suckers place great stock in such things. Fact. Suckers value the insult of feigned interest in their boring affairs and even more boring opinions...than they value the boring logic that would have otherwise saved their sucker faces. Genius realises this fact, of course. And because Genius is genius, you can bet your behind that you will experience some pleasant small talk, whenever you bump into each other. It’s the polite thing to do, when bumping into someone you’re mildly acquainted with. To insult each other with awkward feigned insults; acting like you’re fascinated in the other party’s interminably boring life. Yes, both your lives. You’re as boring as each other. Fact. It’s why you’re both merely acquainted rather than...merely friends. You’re both boring as all hell. Oh come off it, Carl. Wake up to reality. Denial is not just a cliche in Egypt, you know.

You must accept the fact. Even though you won’t. You’ll go on pretending the other guy is boring; but not you. No way. You’re fascinating! Uh-huh. You betcha! You’ll ignore the reality that slams you in your Twitter-tweeting face, every day. The reality that; unlike the tango (which traditionally requires two), friendship only ever requires one (1) person to be remotely intriguing. And friends will flock to them, like birds to a feather or bugs to a beggar.

But I’m drifting away again, as I tend to do. Flirting dangerously with the irrelevant boredom of millions of boring people small-talking on social media. We were talking about something important, before you distracted me Carl. Can we get back on topic, please?

Ah yes, we were discussing the sheer brain-exploding boredom of being forced to endure irrelevant exchanges of faux pleasantries. Pretending to care about what strangers think; on such fascinating topics as...the weather. Or their health. Sorry Carl, I couldn’t give a rats about your health. Deal. Yeah it’s rude, I understand you’re a moron who thinks honesty is rude. But man, I don’t even know you - so how could I be expected to give a flying toss? And I’m not selling you anything, so it’s really quite rude of you Carl - yes, for someone who doesn’t even have the decency to exist, you’re being incredibly rude. Demanding that I insult you with the pretence that I value your opinion on sports above what it’s worth (~ nothing and sweet fuck all, by my estimation).

Why the fuck anyone would give multiple hoots about a salary-capped, draft-selected, evenly matched franchise ‘competition’...is freaking beyond me. The only reason - the ONLY reason - those competitions are not even more boring, is the sheer incompetence of those paid to be competent. At one of the easiest jobs in the world; the management of professional athletes. Don’t even start with me, Carl. Zip it. I said, zip it. The only way you could have ‘trouble’ managing a professional athlete is if you had ‘trouble’ writing a performance-based contract. Or if you had ‘trouble’ understanding the value of one; or maybe you have ‘trouble’ with the reality that having created a ‘moral’ hazard, you deserve literally everything you get. You’ve earned it, but then you think you’re entitled so...

I wonder how you ever got that idea, Princess? You’re entitled to being the victim of a very creepy global remuneration policy. And you’re tricked into thinking, “Jonny, they pay me by the hour, what the fuck.”

Uh oh. And you’ve probably never realised why employees are signed up with a seeming incentive, to be disincentivised. Employees aren’t signed up to be motivated. 99% of the world’s workforce is paid by the hour.

What does that tell you...about the world?

Managing professional athletes is like managing a bowel movement. The shit just takes care of itself, unless you’ve screwed something up prior. It’s the easiest job in the world. Computers can (and have proved they can) do a better job than idiotic coaches at the highest level of every sport. And I’m not even talking about that human freakish alien masquerading as a computer, just so he could win Jeopardy and get famous, either. I’m talking about a retarded computer, like my Nokia N97 mini smart phone. Which happens to be the dumbest phone in the freaking world. But anyway, you go on caring about your generic sports teams playing in competitions perfectly designed to be cyclical; to give everyone a fair go. You ever spend much time thinking about why they’d create such a Commie structure, when selling such a capitalist commercial product? You haven’t.

You’re too busy emotionally riding the idiotic highs and lows of the inevitable wins and losses. You stupid hamster. Sorry to break it to you Carl, but they’re just going to win or lose. Every week. Without fail. Well, occasionally they’ll play out a draw. Substantially more than occasionally, if we’re talking football (or soccer, if you’re American - and that’s a distinction worth getting incredibly emotional about). Yeah, sporting competitions designed to cap exceptionalism. Go watch some under 5’s soccer. It would make a lot more sense. Especially if you’re a pedophile.

Oh come off it, Carl. You think any pedophiles reading just went “OMG why didn't I think of that?”

They thought of it, Carl. They’re not reading this rambling, trust me. They’re probably down at the park.