Originally Posted by
Apes of Wrath
Trying so hard to believe you care and aren't baiting me out with this sucker punch of a life's confession for the amusement of sonatine (and a few others probably)....
Is that the girl who made you the tapes you - unfathomably stupidly - had been hanging onto for a decade or so?
If it is, why would I care about her? I
couldn't care less if she lived or died and if you haven't spoken to her in many years, neither should you. When I say what I've highlighted in red, I mean literally what I say. Neutral emotions. Zero emotional hangups. You wouldn't -want- her to die, you simply wouldn't waste a thought wistfully longing for the past. That would be the most efficient way to fuck up your present. Which is the most optimal way to handicap your future.
You mentioned a lacking sense of self, this idea intrigues me, go on please...
We hang onto the past when we've lost our sense of Self. Those who suck the life out of us with their love, can seem impossible to let go for reasons which should be painfully obvious but they tend to fly over every stalker's head.
Stalkers have been decimated to zero. They do not believe they can ever be happy alone, or in the company of other members of humanity. They've idiotically been led to believe their only chance for happiness lies in this -one- person. It's pure insanity. And 100% religious.
Stalkers have no sense of Self. They're reliant, dependent, addicted and it's all an illusion. Both their addiction and the 'sweet' lies they FELT which they imagined were real but it's pure insane fantasy. Love is never real; it's an emotional scam used for exploitation.
The fact that two needy imbeciles can be mutually in love only proves they've each lost their sense of Self. And 100% of the time, their relationship will crash and burn because you will never be anything but misery if you're reliant on someone else. You must learn how to live and function and be comfortable with yourSelf before anyone except a creep will even come near you.
Who would want someone placing that kind of insane need on their shoulders? Who would even want or imagine they could carry a leech? Only a creep, who uses people up and spits them out and lies to themselves whilst they lie to everyone they molest.
"They're just following their heart."
No one sane is attracted to needy people -because- they're damaged. Once you no longer need someone else in order to FEEL good about yourself, you will become attractive to those who want to have fun. They will bring their happiness to you because they will know, at least subconsciously, that it will be a sane trade. You wouldn't fall apart if they had some fun and then kicked along, because nothing about their choices is offensive. You don't eat the same food 3 times a day 7 times a week 365 days a year for the same reason that marriages are fucking insane. People don't get bored of you, they get bored of repeating. Listen to the same song non-stop, for life. Get married to The One. vomit.
You can kick along, they can kick along, you might miss them and their fun and wish they'd stayed but you wouldn't agonise over it. You'd be cool because...?
You'd have a sense of Self. You will not be reliant on anyone else.
What religion does is so horrifyingly illogical, it's unfathomable that people actually buy into it. The One? Happily ever after? Disconnected from humanity? Contract for life? What is this demented bullshit.
A recipe for misery, is what it is. And that's what religion is -all- about. Making people suffer. Exploiting their pain. Wagging their filthy fingers at the victims of their miserable demented shame.
My mother disagrees with you (she reads everything) and says because she left him for another man he resents her deeply and this has created a rift between the two of us as he sees her in me and can't face the shame of his inadequacy.
Hi, Mrs Mike. You're a narcissist; don't you agree? Or maybe Mike didn't do your logical arguments justice? He forgot to include the reasons you FELT the above.
from as far back as I can remember I hardly ever connected with the man. He is probably just very socially awkward....well that sounds like me then, doesn't it...
Yeah. You and 6.8 billion other victims of Catholic awkward deceit.
So my question then is this- you eluded to it, but point blank- should I literally want nothing to do with the man and throw a flower on his casket someday? Good riddance and all that stiff upper lip stuff?
No. If you have to have a stiff upper lip, you're failing to understand something and the emotional illusion is still imagined and causing pain (merely suppressed). If it's important to you, then keep trying to connect. You can do whatever you want, and it can be sane; so long as you understand what you're trying to do and why and what your hopes and goals are. And more important than any of the above, you'll need to be prepared for the fact that if he cannot connect, he cannot do it.
Don't force him to suffer. He'll feel shitty when the inevitable failure results. Like I said, once awkwardness has been introduced into a relationship, it's an Everest to climb. The important thing to understand is it's nobody 'fault'. His inability to connect with you is not a reflection of his sentiments towards you.
If humans were all sane, we'd be able to instantly connect with every single person we met. Everyone would be interesting. Everyone would have compelling things to say. Everyone would be able to talk flippantly, or soberly; or casually alternating between the two because conversation is as easy as two people -not- being awkward about speaking their mind and expressing themselves.
Re: the red highlighted bit. Why do you have to swing from extreme to extreme? Why can't you "literally want to have a relationship with the man" but be cool either way. It's too much pressure, release the Catholic pressure. If he can, he can. If he can't, he can't. You can prefer things without betting the emotional farm. That kind of stress is how people get awkward and uncomfortable and afraid, in the first place.
What am I to do if I have children, do I not introduce them to their grandfather?
50% of the answer to this question doesn't exist, yet. The other 50% will be up to him. He could have a relationship with his grandkids without ever connecting with you and if you had your own best interests in mind, you'd ensure that sort of thing could occur without placing yourself in the way.
I kind of feel like, if I don't try (real hard if I must) to create some kind of bonded relationship with the man before he goes (which might be very soon) I will always regret it.
Why?
As far as money goes I fancy my dad well off right now, though I do not think he was always in such a position. i literally have never talked about money with him or any other person because I never had any of it, and neither did my family. It has always been taboo, something we really need but don't want, so I've never asked.
Well then I very much doubt he fears your financial burdening, which sort of leaves either the emotional burden he's imagining a SON might entail; or he's just socially awkward and for people who are uncomfortable in these kinds of situations (and if you think about it, it would be kind of creepy no? if he just bonded with you instantly and you got on like a house on fire as if it were a Hollywood movie - because WTF whenever I see one of those kinds of movies, it creeps me out; it's illogical, almost sociopathic if there isn't some miraculous kind of reason that justified their the parent's failure up until that point) it can bubble up into an entire THING in their minds and then it's doomed from the start.
Whenever I see a Toddler mother who's damaged their child socially, APOLOGISE for the child as if it were the child's fault that "he's a little shy", it makes me want to backhand their filthy faces. He's going to be shy even when he's not, if you brainwash him into believing that's who he is when he's only shy because he's been made to FEEL irrationally afraid. He'll be 'shy' long after he stopped being shy, because he'll be nervous imagining that he's this thing which isn't sane. He's face-plant as a result and then he'll become the thing that isn't sane, for real.
No one likes to feel retarded. And in this world of creepy filthy eye-raisers who don't SPEAK their way through awkwardness...everyone will feel retarded unless they have a spectacular sense of Self. But then if they had that, they'd never be 'shy' at all.
Strangest thing, this past trip, he showed me his 4 year degree. Which he just got, 3 years ago, and never fucking said a word about it, to me or anyone else.
He's been surviving for many decades without you in his life. There will be countless things he's done which he's never told you about, right? Seeing as you've never really spoken, one would think almost everything he's done or does would be new information.
Are you capable of being interested in his shit, by the way? You don't just expect him to automatically be interested in YOU YOU YOU, yeah? Find common ground. But you gotta
depressurise the whole thing somehow. There's too much pressure / stress / needy. I can feel it from SE Asia.
And sister, sister...i have a half sister named lindsy that I hardly know. Different mothers and all that. She looks like me with tits and blond hair that hasn't been shaved for a decade. There was some kind of long standing resentment on the side of my sisters mom toward my mom that eventually poisoned the family such that I literally- at 31 years of age- have never lived more than 20 miles from my only sister and yet I have spent a total of ~4 hours in proximity to her. I literally do not know her.
Catholicism. God it's so putrid and pointless and miserable and insane. It's all filthy butthurt demented shit. Ewww.
Not sure that situation can be fixed either. I have tried communicating with her over the years and she always flakes on me, blows me off etc. You can pick your nose but not your family as they say...
She sees no value. There might not be any. Remember, you're trying to force emotional connections which aren't -actually- anything other than an illusion. To her, you could effectively be equivalent to a random stranger; which makes you respond to you as if you were a chore. Which is why she flakes and blows you off, it's not personal.
She'd do that to anyone she felt compelled, by Societal rules, to entertain. Of course, if you were entertaining...
But it's very hard to be entertaining when you're starting from a position of Catholic propriety. No one wants to do things they feel compelled to do, when they have been given no reason to believe it's in their best interests. Your relationship with her might have been doomed by that demented insanity before you'd ever been given a chance to impress.
Something is very wrong here-I have heard this tune before, it sounds kind of like this:
"IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD MIKE, YOU CRAZY BASTARD."
You are crazy but then so are 7 billion others. But what can be imagined can be unimagined. You just have to understand everything about your emotions and be capable of realising why people FEEL the way they do and the more you understand, the less you will FEEL sore or hurt or confused. And then you create a domino effect, in the other direction; towards Good.
I don't want to face any more damned reality right now, but- am I schizophrenic or something? Paranoid delusions are common for me, I literally cannot go a week without imagining my friends are really out to get me, my father hates me and all this rubbish.
Yeah it's all Catholic neuroticism. And entirely a function of absence of Self. You need to establish confidence in yourSelf, develop Self-reliance, and then you'll be able to connect a lot more...sanely, with this world of circumspect victims of Catholicism's obsession with rules of propriety, etiquette, social norms and it's all LIES LIES LIES designed entirely to make everyone suffer and feel stupid and awkward and inadequate and ASHAMED.
has it really all been in my head? is this real illness here, something I might need medication for?
Of course it's a real illness, but it's also all in your mind. Your mind is an impossibly powerful thing that only you could ever really hope to even have a -clue- about understanding. You can fix all this, but 31 years (or 1500) isn't reversed by waking up one day and resolving to be sane.
It's a process of education, and learning; and resisting the ingrained impulses they infect everyone with. (to feel shitty, to feel rejected, to feel inadequate, to feel ashamed)
The vast majority of the time, if you're genuinely trying to connect with someone without any hidden agenda beyond having fun; the fault lies with the other partner in the ballet.
The First Rule of Entrenched Inadequacy: Blame the other person for your inability to be sane.
Pretty girls do this -all- the fucking time. Incapable of involving themselves in a conversation, or feeling left out in some way, they'll interject with their filthy disapproval or offence or negative opinions because it's much easier for damaged people to INVOLVE themselves via sharing their misery rather than CONTRIBUTE in any meaningful way.
meaning, can it be fixed?
I walked into my first day at school utterly oblivious and therefore, hilariously unprepared and impossibly unafraid. 20 minutes into my first day, I readjusted everything I believed or imagined or knew. I clamped up, believing it made sense because I'd watched what they did to others who made the 'mistake' of answering their loaded questions (which were nothing but traps). This was a mistake.
In 1996, I had zero conversations with anyone but myself. I had never been shy, but one day of silence became two which became a week then a month and I'd been silent too long to be capable of being sane. I had no confidence and it got so ridiculous, I couldn't even answer a yes no question without wincing at fucking it up with ludicrous nervousness. It was comical really. "Yep, I mean no...NO....wait what did you say?" That kind of shit. I couldn't even pay attention to the words being spoken, the insanity was out of control.
I think I broke the Historical Record for saying "Sorry?" in a calendar year. People thought I was handicapped, quite understandably. It was all in my head. Very few people at my school would know I started near the start of Year 10. I only started talking a little in Year 11.
At ADFA, I couldn't shut my stupid mouth; i.e. none of who I was was who I was. Everything inside your head is largely imagined. Yes, you can un-imagine it. Or re-imagine over the top of it.
Linear Mode
