PLease, please...please tell me the dream I had about skatz wasn't real and the forum isn't really you scooter vaughn and like a dozen of wongs dupes?
Methinks you doth care irrationally.
Quote:
cuz i swear to shit I think bob is behind at least 2-3 accounts and I don't think you can dissuade me with facts and/or logic at this point. but you said on pfa think of skatz as like a vietnamese soap opera or something right, is that what this site is? an ongoing television show type idea, meaning it's all fucking FAKE and worthless, none of the posters are who they say they are (though I have seen plenty of evidence of yours and wong's credentials)
Nigger what. The. Fuck.
Quote:
what I keep seeing is instead of rum dick the attorney going between states, he's really this fat short uninteresting guy, and scooter he's the fat guys brother, and they live in brooklyn in the same apartment. All conjured up you see?
You need to conjure up some sanity or you need to shut it down. Flick off the machine. Lower the blinds.
Quote:
I think I am struggling with the realization that for a good 4-6 months of my actual LIFE, skatz was the single most important thing in my life, the opinions of people who might not even exist and I want to slit my wrists when I think about the notion I held 'their' opinions of my life and decision making in the highest regard- I am crazier and in worse shape mentally than the elderly couple I am the live in caretaker for (I get paid now believe it or not by Mikes insurance)
Who the fuck is Mike?
Are you not Mike?
Have you killed Mike?
Is Mike still alive?
Quote:
You want stranger?
No.
Quite frankly, no.
Quote:
Oh boy, fuck me to tears does my life only get fucking stranger, and stranger, and stranger day by day. I sporadically wake up at 4am sunday, DEAD SET on going to church for my MISSION- to sit in the area jhale and I used to sit before he got deployed again, because by sitting there he will feel my presence and be filled with hope and love and not feel alone out in Afganistan. I even prayed for him, and I never pray. I left my house at 7am it was 30 degrees and I didn't even wear a heavy jacket, had about 8 days totally clean and was normal to that point and *snapped* next thing I knew I was shaking and shivering leaving church feeling like my buddy in Afganistan was like "where is this invisible hug coming from? *GASP* JASON WENT TO CHURCH! AND SAT IN THE SAME SPOT WE USED TO SIT! THANKS BRO, YOU ARE A GOOD FRIEND" and I clutched tightly A BIBLE I signed to my METH DEALER, WHO IS GAY AND LITERALLY HATES ANYTHING RELIGEOUS and he at one time wanted to be a priest, travelled to some christian mecca in turkey I think anyway, he and his brother and sister are all gay, and his mother is a devout catholic and disowned them, and trevor cries when he thinks about how MUCH HE HATES AND DESPISES RELIGION- and at the time I was walking to his house, boy in my mind I saw him well up with tears and give me a hug, and start going to chuch with me and I wrote in the bible "be strong and never lose hope" and I had tears in my eyes when I fucking wrote this drivel mind you and I was 8 days SOBER
Well it sounds like the wagon is doing wonders for you. Clearly it was the drugs that were your problem and sobriety is the solution. Cheerio and let's check back on your next registered mark where you will be owed group claps, pats on the back and pleased expressions which you can soak up as your scheduled hit of emotional validation for doing the RIGHT thing.
Quote:
SOBER SOBER SOBER
and it actually isn't over yet, oh no, not quite yet- so I get to trevors house at like 11:20 am (it's a couple light rail stops and since I sold my mountain bike for meth the walking time is um about 12 minutes, which is nothing really) and my friend derek let's me in, and the whole way walking up there I had this mental image in my mind of me boldly, proudly denying any offers to do some meth down, bible in hand (I didn't go to church for at least a year at this point mind you) and offering hope and good cheer to all my forsaken and hopeless friends who are also addicted, and so I get in and trevor seems to be sleeping, so I LEAVE THE BIBLE AND ANOTHER RELIGOUS BOOK I GOT FOR HIM AND SIGNED ON THE COUNTER TOP ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE STOVE WHERE BASICALLY YOU COULD NEVER MISS IT WALKING INTO THE KITCHEN
now, keep in mind we are talking about the house of a gay guy, who has a couple roomies/renters who are also all gay, everyone smokes/snorts meth and are all super depressed and unhappy for various reasons
Maybe because of fucking insane faggots too stupid to understand the difference between Desoxyn and poison, they're being poisoned and dying? As a direct result of that sociopathic religious ignorance?
If you didn't get super depressed and unhappy about that, you'd be arguably insane.
Quote:
the one thing they all have the most hatred for, if anything, WOULD BE A FUCKING BIBLE IN THE HOUSE, but worse, it was left on the counter top, like God Himself saying fck you!
No people just don't like insanity that rapes children bro. Keep your filthy smut away from sane people. What is wrong with you.
Quote:
or something snarky, but probably less sinister..hey, that actually makes a little sense doesn't it.
Something snarky like the Word of God?
I dunno dude but if you came into my house leaving that filthy shit around, I would have the guards shoot you on sight.
Quote:
Maybe I lost all capacity for logical consquence based thought so God could have a little air time. Hmm, that's fascinating when I think about it.
Well He sure used it wisely.
Quote:
I'll send to wong and scooter and see if they think (that I am an idiot is a given fyi)
I don't think that at all. I think most people I talk to are idiots. You're nothing like them at all. They're not especially sane but they're not giving air time to God either so...
Quote:
((yes I apologized and to be frank, on a normal day like today I would slap anyone leaving a fucking bible in a house like that,
So...slap yourself. Make it count.
Quote:
stupid should hurt and I got enough justified ridicule from about 4 speechless people that I don't see myself hand delivering any un-asked for and unwanted (but signed!) bibles to my gay drug dealing friends house in the future (my track record is pretty good when I embarrass myself that bad I rarely do it thrice)
So because you were justifiably ridiculed you now don't see yourself not doing the right thing.
Why couldn't you just imagine the ridicule before you did the wrong thing?
Quote:
Scooter you tend to understand people and underlying factors rather well, synopsis above I randomly am possessed to go to church hecka early and next thing I know a bunch of people moderately despise me (who normally like to lukewarm me) and drugs haven't been in play recently, what the fuck is cooking in my head at times like that?
A needy stew.
Inedible.
Quote:
Can it be prevented?
I'd shut it down. That's all I can say honestly. Only you can really know.
Quote:
How bad did that look to you guys honestly?
Pretty bad, in all honesty.
I literally have read nothing sane in terms of motive. I'm not sure what the fuck you were trying to do at any point. I don't know what your goal or aspirations or targets were. And though normally, one could even begin to move onto execution of your plan/s(?) I'm just going to go out on a limb and say they were poorly executed as well.
Just doesn't matter. No matter what you were trying to do, and I honestly haven't a clue, it was poorly executed, not thought out; you were not in control of yourself but were being fuelled by some fucking dumb shit.
Quote:
I've done worse in the past if it matters
In what fucking world of insanity would it?
Quote:
I at one time conspired (with myself, but I let trevors best friend in on the plan) to skip trace trevors relatives and inform them of an intervention for him I was planning.
You intervene in the lives of anyone ever again, you need to go right ahead and put a bullet between your foreheads. All of them. Don't let a single one sneak through.
You need to intervene in the life of you.
Quote:
I was going to tell his entire family he was suicidally depressed, losing his home, addicted to methamphetamine and that if we couldn't get him into a program NOW, he might die at any moment.
You're a sociopath. Stay away from everyone. Jesus Christ.
Quote:
Only it wasn't super brief like that, it was a fucking NOVEL of an email, highly detailed, and at the time I'd known trevor ~1.5 months. Total. I'd been up for 3 nearly 4 days true, but this whole "I have my own version of reality to live and play in, isn't it SPLENDID?????" is just making me sick. I can't keep doing stupid things like this, I can't fucking handle it anymore. I don't want to be me at this point, not a cell of my body, it's wretched and I hate myself.
You do.
You just don't want to presently.
When you don't want to be....this...liability on Humanity any more, you will stop. Until then you will dribble this moronic shit because you live in the moment and your moments are fucked up and variable.
Quote:
also I threw in gay sex because he finds some of the stupid shit I do hilarious and laughs at it and he gives me plenty of entertainment and all's fair in love and war on the battlefield, or something (I'm still kind of high from yesterday and haven't slept)
You're lonely. That's a big problem that is going to have catch-22 implications that I don't have confidence you are in the position to navigate through. But you're needy which means you will only be a target for predators and no one who isn't a predator will want to have anything to do with you because what would they possibly need so badly that they'd put up with you?
So you're needy and you have to not need or predators will keep walking smack in through your big advertising banners screaming "Come! Fire sale!"
There isn't much but they'll wander through, poking and kicking and taking a piss. They're just looking for remnants of a half empty bottle of scotch; they're not going to buy anything. You have nothing to sell.
You need to close up shop on your needy. It's very hard. I don't think you can do it or I'd say I thought you could. I don't.
But you need to not need. Then you can move to Phase 2.
That is how they did it. They flipped everything around. So that they could tell other people what to do rather than make a case to persuade. This is about choice, free will and 100% it's gotta be all about rape.
Or who gets to ride the camel or something. Religion's creation has its roots in the most embarrassing of all desires; the desire for someone else to do something they don't want to do, probably because you're a fucking undesirable tool.
Cue religion. The lives of 100,000,000,000 destroyed in ways none of them can even have ever comprehended. Well a tiny handful perhaps, but they would have tapped out very quickly indeed.
Global suffering purely for the purpose of control. Who would ever want something that bad, I dunno. There's something about desire I'm not getting, or maybe there's something humans aren't getting about desire. But I have a horrible feeling the world has been taken out to the desert and left for 2.5 days in the sun without water.
And then...
"Look, but don't touch."
They touched. Hah. They killed each other to touch.
In the aftermath of the bloodshed, thirsts quenched, they looked around and screamed that existential scream of anyone who's been tricked by lies into doing something which isn't really in their best interests or could ever be. And they were screaming when along came.....
"Brothers, sinners, humans, do not beat yourself up over killing the smaller of the children to reach the water; this was not you - this was your humane urges - but you are better than this, you just have to fight temptation to keep doing it. Okay?"
They were so relieved. They were considering tapping out of the game.
"Make sure you confess all your sins though, because we need to stay on top of your sinning. Okay?"
Audible sighs were heard. The past could be forgotten. They'd never do it again.
And then they were all taken out to the middle of the desert, and left in the sun without water for 2.5 days....
catfish you are literally the only person from this site that i wouldnt want to meet in real life. the sole reason - youd be boring as fuck. if i had to choose between a root canal or an hour of sitting listening to a burnt out pothead drone on about jewdonk im going with the former everytime.
You need to conjure up some sanity or you need to shut it down. Flick off the machine. Lower the blinds.
Who the fuck is Mike?
Are you not Mike?
Have you killed Mike?
Is Mike still alive?
No.
Quite frankly, no.
Well it sounds like the wagon is doing wonders for you. Clearly it was the drugs that were your problem and sobriety is the solution. Cheerio and let's check back on your next registered mark where you will be owed group claps, pats on the back and pleased expressions which you can soak up as your scheduled hit of emotional validation for doing the RIGHT thing.
Maybe because of fucking insane faggots too stupid to understand the difference between Desoxyn and poison, they're being poisoned and dying? As a direct result of that sociopathic religious ignorance?
If you didn't get super depressed and unhappy about that, you'd be arguably insane.
No people just don't like insanity that rapes children bro. Keep your filthy smut away from sane people. What is wrong with you.
Something snarky like the Word of God?
I dunno dude but if you came into my house leaving that filthy shit around, I would have the guards shoot you on sight.
Well He sure used it wisely.
I don't think that at all. I think most people I talk to are idiots. You're nothing like them at all. They're not especially sane but they're not giving air time to God either so...
So...slap yourself. Make it count.
So because you were justifiably ridiculed you now don't see yourself not doing the right thing.
Why couldn't you just imagine the ridicule before you did the wrong thing?
A needy stew.
Inedible.
I'd shut it down. That's all I can say honestly. Only you can really know.
Pretty bad, in all honesty.
I literally have read nothing sane in terms of motive. I'm not sure what the fuck you were trying to do at any point. I don't know what your goal or aspirations or targets were. And though normally, one could even begin to move onto execution of your plan/s(?) I'm just going to go out on a limb and say they were poorly executed as well.
Just doesn't matter. No matter what you were trying to do, and I honestly haven't a clue, it was poorly executed, not thought out; you were not in control of yourself but were being fuelled by some fucking dumb shit.
In what fucking world of insanity would it?
You intervene in the lives of anyone ever again, you need to go right ahead and put a bullet between your foreheads. All of them. Don't let a single one sneak through.
You need to intervene in the life of you.
You're a sociopath. Stay away from everyone. Jesus Christ.
You do.
You just don't want to presently.
When you don't want to be....this...liability on Humanity any more, you will stop. Until then you will dribble this moronic shit because you live in the moment and your moments are fucked up and variable.
You're lonely. That's a big problem that is going to have catch-22 implications that I don't have confidence you are in the position to navigate through. But you're needy which means you will only be a target for predators and no one who isn't a predator will want to have anything to do with you because what would they possibly need so badly that they'd put up with you?
So you're needy and you have to not need or predators will keep walking smack in through your big advertising banners screaming "Come! Fire sale!"
There isn't much but they'll wander through, poking and kicking and taking a piss. They're just looking for remnants of a half empty bottle of scotch; they're not going to buy anything. You have nothing to sell.
You need to close up shop on your needy. It's very hard. I don't think you can do it or I'd say I thought you could. I don't.
But you need to not need. Then you can move to Phase 2.
Quote:
Until then you will dribble this moronic shit because you live in the moment and your moments are fucked up and variable.
What do you mean by "you live in the moment and your moments are fucked up and variable?" Are you saying I am belligerent and not putting enough thought into things I do every day or that I have moments in which I get caught up in the moment and do stupid shit?
I would answer B 100% as on a normal day to day basis I am fine, reserved, I don't yell or speak loudly like i used to, I do not blurt out answers no matter how sure I "know" I must be right, I stop pause and think almost always. Quite a bit of this change was from my determination over a period of years, a part is being around a very intelligent guy whose mannerisms are as I described-passive yet persuasive and assertive, reserved and often giving conscious thought to most actions.
It all flies out the window at times, for seemingly no reason at all and when I am caught in the moment as I was Sunday, I can say looking back I act and move with a disgustingly inflated ego and sense of self worth. I often feel paranoia day to day, but during these times the paranoia is somehow interpreted to mean I'm special, no one says it nothing announces it but trust me, every man woman child plant and animal, they all know, innately-that I am special, unique, God's champion or something strange that seems silly to an outsider but scares me to death because immed I wonder-WHOM is thinking these thoughts? I tend to be on the shy/modest side unless it's useful to be outgoing and I switch but "God's champion" that's way out of character for me, it's bizarre. I have little to no memory of anything that happened after that point fast forwarding to being on the train. It sounds bizarre but I seem to really...inflate when I'm walking, mentally and in terms of ego. As soon as I get walking a good speed, i'm suddenly aware of how perfectly I walk, how my broad shoulders must seem perfect to people as I walk past, I don't think thoughts like that when I'm say sitting on a train or bus or something. That's strange I bet but it's the truth and the best data I've got at the moment. I've always been like that, looking back I can't say I have ever made a good decision while moving, walking that sort of thing. weird...
The strange tie in has to do with Motive- what was my motive? Well, I care about my friend and he's going through a very rough spot in life and I am always trying to do or give when and what I can to help him out but it's never effective. So there I am at church mostly missing my friend and wishing he was back, I sat in the same area we both sat etc, and I say a prayer for the guy and suddenly my mind shifts to other friend and the best way I can describe the scene that unfolds mentally, I give him bible he goes from dark to light and becomes happy on the spot etc. The motive was first I was going to turn my friends life around, on the spot, I saw the scene play out a dozen times or more on the way over there, I was very full of myself and not thinking about anything but ME, which is the bad form of selfish. I didn't think of anyone else and how they might feel, which is how I was but not at all how I am.
I know that's horrifyingly delusional, underlying motive sounds needy to me, saving the depressed friend also remember I was going to turn down drugs in front of everyone and in my mind it was to "give them hope" that's really how I saw it all mentally and that all screams NEEDY. I want to be the important person, center of attention, which is all absolutely disgusting. Normally i never care about such bullshit, the fuck is going wrong this time? Another leak to fix in the sink that never held water to begin with, only has cold no hot not even room temp...fuck
how much does my substance abuse issue play a factor here? Has drug addiction made me very needy and without dope around to satisfy the need I lose my mind or something? Because that sounds rather complicated to solve, I'm not sure I can at least not on my own. I am not afraid of hard work and I can read quite well, but i have my limitations, and right now I am responsible for 3 people and not just one. Not sure what to do...the whole intervention email and idea happened in the span of sitting and logging into my email, for no reason other than to check messages, and three hours later I walked out of the room head held high I was going to do amazing things to save a good person, I was capable of things no other man alive is, and I would answer the call....and embarass my friend whose family is up on things firstly and secondly my life is mine, his is his, I have no right to dictate to a grown man what he should be doing, what choices to make. So flawed on so many levels, how can my entire way of thinking flip flop like that with no catalyst no schedule WHAT THE BIZARRO FUCK@!??!?!
Linear Mode
