rofl if mike misses him that much then why doesnt he just post here. nobody has given mike more abuse than scooter has so people saying mean things to him cant be the reason. but who knows what is going on in mikes fantasy land.
I am making this post as acknowledgement that I have dug my own grave here, essentially.
I keep going manic for some reason, has nothing to do with drugs. Honestly I am not sure what's triggering my breakdowns but I am about as fed up with my actions as all of you are (well, less so I am sure)
I have said some spiteful, childish and disrespectful things to a good many of you and, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.
Though I do not deserve it, I am seeking forgiveness. If not now, at some point in the future would be fantastic.
At the present time I am essentially killing myself to stay busy and keep working on ideas to make myself financially solvent. At the same time, I am desperately trying to figure out how I can repair my shit reputation.
At one time my word meant something and I was not relegated to being the joke no one wants anything to do with. It's killing me and quite frankly, I realized last night almost everything I say that's out of line, crazy, insane etc is, on a much deeper level, me attempting to make myself seem relevant. A power grab, if I have my psychology right.
It's shameful to say the least.
Tine I said some out of line things about you and the cold hard truth is that, manic or not, disorders or not, whatever, there is no excuse for my actions.
Rum same to you, I called you mini hitler and some kind of elitist when I have proof of neither. In fact, you banning me a week ago set me off and despite all the weird hostility, I have benefited tremendously. Apologies and a solemn thank you from team SBG.
Tapper I meant certain things in the PM I sent you, some of which was supposed to be in your interest to protect you (lol? me protecting you, THAT'S comedy) but my motive was, of course, to drag you and gary with me to another forum. While manic I just lose grasp of reality 100%. Not sure how you feel about me, what I said, and possibly you don't give a shit, but really truly there was good motive deep down. It was just dramatically overshadowed by my standard sociopathic manipulation bullshit that comes from left field. I don't know what to say other than thank you for being in my corner and throwing me some love respect and solid advice.
Cobson, I was under the impression you tried to screw Gary over somehow, but once again I for whatever reason decided to poke my nose in other people's business when I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF ANYTHING as far as facts go, nor did any of it have anything to do with me. And yet, I got angry and hurt and suddenly I was flipping out over the whole thing...that didn't even involve me in the first place. An apology would be moot, I am pretty sure you don't give a shit anymore about anything I do or so or my well being, but man to man i disrespected you and I am sorry.
Gary I realized this morning you also do not want me here, I am pretty sure I made you look bad and kept keeping me around despite the majority wanting me gone. Thanks for being in my corner and I wish you the best.
Scooter, I pretty much knew a month or two ago you'd put me in the rear view and I tried just about everything I could think of to make some kind of positive dent in our relationship but it's all been a waste of time. I fucked up and know the black and white truth is that I do not deserve your friendship, your time, nor your anything. I would like to let you know I am doing much better (depending on the time of day or something? I can't figure this mania out for the life of me, but it ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS happens at night, if that makes sense. during the day I am cool as a clam, as the day drags on I lose touch and get weirder and weirder. Wish I could solve that, for the time being my workaround has been to stay off the internet at night and it seems to be working pretty ok. Even if I am not online, i sit around paranoid and dwelling on various things, it's never ending...) I wish you the best.
All in all....I really shit the bed here. I miss you all and remember some good times fondly but there's something about this forum that just does not jive with my mental short comings. It's really depressing, mostly because I was really attracted to the idea that I might stand shoulder to shoulder with the collective geniuses here but either I am not cut of the right stuff or the timing was bad, for me. I am 50/50 as to which it is, probably both. I just burned inside for acceptance, trust, respect, to have intelligent funny people acknowledge me as an equal instead of the garbage short bus mike that everyone came to know me as.
Funny thing is, I should never have strove to become accepted, as if I needed to accomplish it or solve the puzzle of my non-acceptance, I should have just performed adequately and not worried so much. Consistency would have gone a long way...
Hate being me right now...
Grapes
__________________
follow me on twitter @SweetBabyGrapes
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mista Cobalina
Nat Sherman's are better than Dunhill's in every conceivable way
Quoted for Scooter. Give Nat's a try, just two packs, and I swear the next Dunhill you light up you will reflexively spit onto the ground. I literally did exactly that, as I walked back into my local head shop and exchanged the disgusting things for another pack of my beloved Nat Naturals.
I
Funny thing is, I should never have strove to become accepted, as if I needed to accomplish it or solve the puzzle of my non-acceptance, I should have just performed adequately and not worried so much. Consistency would have gone a long way...
That was pretty much my message to you the whole time when you were pming me about the issue. As the great Dr Franknenfurter once said, don't dream it, be it.
I don't know if you're on a mood stabilizer, but you should consider it.
Also Scooter I wanted to offer something useful to you, I have been experimenting with using Ephedrine HCL to treat my ADHD and it's been working rather well. I am taking 1 primatene tablet (supplying 12.5mgs ephedrine hcl and some expectorant, I pay no attention to the expectorant tho) every 4-5 hours and it's working rather well.
I have tried this in the past and it's never worked as it tends to trigger relapses. This go round however, things are going smooth. I am not getting high nor any euphoria from the ephedrine, not getting all amped up and such, and I am guessing (at best) my abstinence from yayo (been close to a year now, will be in october) and/or my abstinence from alcohol (couldn't say exactly where I am at with that, but certainly had fewer than 5 drinks the last 2 months or so) or possibly having regained my sense of Self i seem to be taking things much more in stride, neither getting super high nor super low.
Still have this pesky losing tough with reality stuff to work out, but I am doing worlds better thanks largely to you. I hope my advice can help get you on the right track as well. The substance you are self medicating with can be dangerous, even for a super genius like you, and I would much rather see you taking some ephedrine and putting some work into making the best of it as opposed to the alternative.
Do it for yourSelf, what kind of role model can you hope to be for your siblings high and strung out all the time? Getting off that stuff will do worlds for your mind body and social perception, and that's just the start of it.
You may not want to face the truth but meth does cause a LOT of irreparable brain damage, it's literally killing you. As a person who cares about you I would like to ask you to give the ephedrine a go for at least 30 days. Just a month, one single month, what have you got to lose? You lose nothing but potentially could gain a LOT, money for starters (ephedrine is dirt cheap).
If you want to self dose the half life of ephedrine hcl is about 6 hours, 2-3 for sulfate if that's all you can get. You want to dose on the half life always, I take my doses slightly more frequently because I've been taking ephedrine 15 damn years now and have built a tolerance to it.
If you can source out ephedrine hcl on the cheap without the expectorant that would be better but I wouldn't worry about it either way.
If you want to dose similar to what you have been using, I would surmise something on the order of 25-40mgs ephedrine hcl every 3-5 hours would be more than adequate. Also it's usually supposed to be taken on an empty stomach but some people prefer food. Yes, food, that crazy stuff you have been avoiding for so long.
On ephedrine, you can actually eat, which would be a real blessing for you. Your medication combined with malnutrition, smoking cigarettes, not sleeping....I mean, you are essentially destroying yourself at the fastest rate humanly possible, please realize this. There is no if's and's or but's, you are putting yourself into an early grave and doubling or tripling the rate at which you age. The effects are subtle when young, but fast forward 15-20 years and you will see the damage you're doing now and will likely regret it.
Never too late to change John, in fact Today would be a great day to get off your medicine and onto something more agreeable to human life. While you're pointing in the right direction, it's also a great time to make some changes in favor of being healthier and living longer.
I'm here to answer any and all questions you might have about health, fitness, gaining muscle, losing fat, vitamins minerals and all that jazz.
Regards
__________________
follow me on twitter @SweetBabyGrapes
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mista Cobalina
Nat Sherman's are better than Dunhill's in every conceivable way
Quoted for Scooter. Give Nat's a try, just two packs, and I swear the next Dunhill you light up you will reflexively spit onto the ground. I literally did exactly that, as I walked back into my local head shop and exchanged the disgusting things for another pack of my beloved Nat Naturals.
That was pretty much my message to you the whole time when you were pming me about the issue. As the great Dr Franknenfurter once said, don't dream it, be it.
I don't know if you're on a mood stabilizer, but you should consider it.
Thank you for the advice and I am considering it.
Have you ever heard of what I am describing, becoming manic at night almost every day? Is this some kind of hormone thing? It's been going on for some time, years at least. Doesn't seem affected by much of anything, drinking drugs sleeping or lack of it, you name it, my upstairs just cycles over and over again to normal in the am, weird by midday, sometimes completely manic and out of touch with reality by evening. It just needs a catalyst, something anything to set me off and I am GONE.
It's depressing, to say the very least. BPD does not mention anything about this, not how I am suffering it anyway.
In the short term, can vaughn rig something to ban me every day after like 5pm till say 7am? As odd a request as that is, I would have saved a good dozen meltdowns by now if it had been in place all this time. Life is a learning process...
__________________
follow me on twitter @SweetBabyGrapes
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mista Cobalina
Nat Sherman's are better than Dunhill's in every conceivable way
Quoted for Scooter. Give Nat's a try, just two packs, and I swear the next Dunhill you light up you will reflexively spit onto the ground. I literally did exactly that, as I walked back into my local head shop and exchanged the disgusting things for another pack of my beloved Nat Naturals.
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