If you had sump and half a mind to dispose of it in a rump, you'd likely make up your mind pretty quickly upon seeing mine. I daresay I look better going than coming. They used to occur around the same time but now I stay after disappointing.
Having sex with me is like saying sorry or praying. It's the least you can do.
a cute girl said "whatsup" and I was relieved cause the only reason I was out was my apartment was creeping me the fuck out and I'm getting a reputation living in the restaurant / lobby / bar. With someone there, my demented fears aren't triggered.
I was about to add her on Facebook when I noticed her head cocked to one side and I thought she'd gone to sleep but she was looking through the bedroom door into the bathroom at something; then her head shot bold upright and she looked at me in terror and I'm like "WTF" and she drops to her knees and starts chanting some Buddhist monkey-chant or something - really repetitive and I'm just thinking "what the fuck is..."
She goes for like 2 min and then she's on her feet babbling and trying to leave. She's literally speaking incoherent English words and freaking me the fuck out but I don't want her to go so I'm trying to stall her asking her what's going on, trying to pay her ridiculous amounts to stay, she's not interested, she doesn't want to discuss it, she just kept babbling words I didn't understand and saying "If you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about" and I'm suddenly not sure so I'm blocking her exit going "have I done something wrong?" and she's trying to get around me and I ask her if I'm going to die and she doesn't want to meet my eyes but she just keeps repeating "if you've done nothing wrong you have nothing to worry about" - she must have said it five times before I realised in horror, I was detaining her and boy that was a relieved girl to leave my hotel room and to leave me. She didn't look back once. She was out of here.
I was too terrified to back inside so I went and slept in the lobby bar accidentally, this was three days ago. Nothing. All the inexplicable creepy has stopped. I feel....alone.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. She might have chased away something trying to tell me something I needed to know, which had never harmed me once. Ever. But Christ when she would keep chanting "if you've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about" in a way that made me suddenly wonder what I'd done. She seemed to think I'd done something horrifying.
I don't have her contact details and didn't end up getting her Facebook so that's that, I guess.
All the inexplicable has stopped, or it did until I bumped into the monkey chant girl at Safe House night before last. She came home with me but she refused to talk about the other night, I kept pushing it and at one point she was going to leave over my attempts to get her to talk about it.
Other than at my pestering, she wasn't remotely concerned at all. But ever since she did her monkey chant, literally everything creepy just...stopped. It's inexplicable really.
She was here for a day, until I had to throw her out because at the end of the day, she's just another Toddler like you. She couldn't sleep and I don't really sleep unless I pass out, but she wanted to sleep and kept talking about it. This seemed strange to me; if you want to sleep, then sleep. If you don't, don't. What's the problem?
She couldn't sleep, obviously. So she would come and moan about it. I gave her some Valium, which didn't put her to sleep and I was unsure about giving her Xanax (which I don't really use, except in emergencies - last time I used one was probably 4 months ago - that shit is a little whoa). I gave her the option and she didn't want it, which was fine (but then when I say "emergencies", I mean "when suffering"). She was suffering, and - apparently - a narcissist. Narcissists don't understand or they just don't care that their suffering = my suffering.
I don't like people sharing their suffering. It's very inconsiderate. This might surprise you, but I don't really care for Mike or Jason or whatever that grossly sub-worthless screaming leech imagines his PRIVATE identity to be. I really don't care for that EXPLOITED LADY / 'boy' and his / HER EMOTIONS at all. He / SHE has no redeeming features.
A cute girl has to really make me suffer awhile before I'm forced to take action. Annie felt compelled to share her suffering, so I tried to ease her pain for her (i.e. for me). It's what Selfish humans do; we're considerate in ways narcissists (who are forced to learn how to fake it, or else) become sociopaths (when their consideration becomes 'convincing').
Selfish humans are considerate because of a thing called "empathy". It's not in my interests to make others suffer, so I don't. But I don't understand you fucking Toddlers (but then of course I do). I know all about your insanity. You just want to make others suffer, because you're suffering so the whole world should suffer with you.
I suggested, on multiple occasions, that she find a solution or simply shut the fuck up with her expressions of restlessness, pain & agony. She wasn't interested in solutions. She just wanted to be in pain and, apparently, to share that pain with me. Long after the "emergency" had passed the stage where I will take Xanax, I tried to give her money to go see a doc to get an Ambien script - or something. My teeth were grinding because I am human, unlike you sub-species "special" interrupted humans (but I know your feelings are more important than anyone else's, or everyone else); when humans suffer around me, I Selfishly find solutions to ease their pain. I cannot have fun when narcissists are screaming.
There's a reason why Ambien cannot be sold over-the-counter and if you're too stupid to understand the definition of "insulting" and "patronising", then you really should be put to sleep. Permanently.
If this was a sane world, I could have easily acquired Ambien for her and then she'd be able to _not_ suffer and _not_ make everyone around her suffer as well. But this is not a sane world and you're conditioned to drive cars that have a capacity to fly at 240kph and could be speed-limited by the manufacturers at a cost of $1.50 / vehicle - but aren't - because the government really cares about your welfare. They care so much, that Ambien is excruciatingly insanely painful to acquire. The government & the psychiatric industries, which both profit from your suffering, care too much about your welfare to permit you to sleep well at night. I would have gone and gotten Ambien for her, but the last three times I've gone to those fucking murderers for Ambien, I've come out with SSRIs, Alprazolam and Alprazolam. One is placebo. One is _literally_ the only drug that terrifies me (alcohol merely horrifies). The government cares too much to permit you to sleep with Ambien, but Xanax? Xanax is fine. Hah.
She didn't want to go see a doctor anyway. So I kept asking her how she could be in enough pain that would compel her to moan about it, but prevent her from doing something about it?
She didn't have an answer. She just wanted to suffer.
That is perfectly within her rights, but I explained she wasn't going to be able to do it around me. Not indefinitely. She nodded, and continued doing it. I asked her a few times to take her suffering into another room, but no. She just wanted to sit next to me and moan about how she couldn't sleep.
This is insane, this thing you Toddlers do when you're in pain. You don't want to do anything about it, you just want to impose your pain on anyone around you and prevent them from having fun or feeling good because you feel bad and you don't want to do anything about it. Like Mike / Jason, who refuses to exit a game in which he poisons everyone and everything he comes into contact with. His insane screaming and pain. It's just...indecent.
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE A BOOK OF FIVE, AND I WILL TYPE THEM. TODAY SOUNDS LOVELY, YOU UP FOR IT?
I mean it.
I will write Mai's story as best I can. It is the story that has the capacity to change the world, or it would if people wanted to be sane. Or it would if someone like le Carre or Jacobson could write it for me. I will write it as best I can and it will be decent but it will not impact vassals in ways le Carre cannot impact vassals with Truth. le Carre saved me but then I wanted to be happy and sane and understand what caused my suffering.
Many people claim to want this but they are lying. They just want magic solutions which don't exist; especially when they already know everything. Yes, the insanity hasn't gone unnoticed by me. Very little insanity does, except my own; for that, I need people to point it out to me. You haven't the capacity to fucking do a damn thing. When I say I need people pointing out where I'm drifting away from the Central Logic Base, I mean I need people who have the capacity to make a logical case.
Make a logical case and I will always come back home to Sanity and Ration and Reason. I have always done this and always will be capable of doing this, because I _want_ to be Correct. I do not want to be _thought_ to be Correct. The difference between me and the world is so vast, I'm literally a freak. It took me a long time to understand that no one else really wants to be Correct. They just want to scream.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
I have self diagnosed as such via online personality tests (which 100% of the time end up giving me a "danger danger" outcome, which i of course ignore, having no capacity to treat the situation.
You aren't helping. I had BPD, and then? I have a few decades of what to look forward to? Trust that I would much rather bite a bullet than even another month of my life, to this point.
There is not a mental illness which isn't caused by structural chemical damage which cannot be unimagined. It is imagined. How can you not understand that you can unimagine it? You're not even interested in trying. All you're interested in is screaming. You will need to silence yourSelf soon if you cannot address the Borderline Personality Disorder which is so clinical you would have to be a candidate for some kind of case study; or I suppose they have so many clones like you they're flat out just trying to wring their hands at why the electricity shocks to brains like yours cannot fluke success.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
bravo, you managed to tell me what I knew at 18 sleeping on the floor of a crack house, which was STILL BETTER THAN LIVING ANYWHERE NEAR MY MOTHER. She's wronged me, ok, so? I can't take time back, why blame her and be mean? What good's it doing anyone?
You lie so much it's just disgusting and a waste of time trying to communicate with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
She knows to a certain extent the damage she has done-because I TELL HER EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
You're so batshit insane with your lying I don't even know why I'm supposed to be dishonest and pretend that you are capable of warranting staying alive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
my time and emotions are better spent not vilifying anyone, IMHO.
Shut the fuck up. Your lying is so insane you should beat your stupid face until you become sane. I dunno. I'm not one for electro-shock therapy but I'm starting to understand a little bit how doctors who don't have answers to insanity like yours are desperate to try anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
She knows to a certain extent the damage she has done-because I TELL HER EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
You imbecile, I want to drag people down 'with me' did you say? wow.
That is literally all you do when you scream your misery into the world and make your excuses and ignore the brilliant sanity some of the finest minds on the planet are giving you by sheer fluked luck. Which you do not convert into anything beneficial for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
show me ONE single time a person has said not only "this is the problem" but also "HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT"
Oh you fucking worthless shell of a shell of a (have you ever been human?). I never present problems without at least a proposal for a solution. You're just too stupid to be worth the oxygen you breathe.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyNigger
Your mother raised you with Fantasy knowing full well you would face-plant when you hit reality. You cannot cope with Reality because you were not prepared to cope with it. But that's not the entire story. You were maliciously setup to ensure you wouldn't cope with it. That way, you would need your Protection Racketeer of a mother.
You need to get so far away from her, that you never speak or think or feel her poisonous toxic evil at all, if possible. Or you can stay close to the leech. No one cares except for her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
I am always left with that 'minor detail' and confounded-self cure BPD? ADHD? Depression??
I'm very nearly ready to pull the plug on you. You're so fucking lazy and worthless, you're a disgrace to Humanity. WORK YOU FUCKING LEECH. GOOGLE SOME FUCKING ANSWERS. I SPOON FEED YOUR STUPID FACE AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT BEING HELPED.
Help yourSelf or help yourSelf to peace. Get a rope. Fashion a sturdy knot forming a noose. Affix one end to an overhanging beam with a chair underneath. Place noose around your neck after climbing onto the chair.
Then take one small step for yourSelf or one giant leap for Mankind. It literally doesn't matter. Either / or will work.
He doesn't want peace. He just wants to disturb the peace.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
My step-father had a vasectomy after his only child, a son, was born.
And over the years, even this month, I've heard her scream at him how he wronged her by not being able to have children (I presume the vasectomy was a big secret? oh no it wasn't, you crazy fucking bitch) and over and over I hear the man apologize, so I assumed it must have always been true.
Why didn't she adopt?
I know the reasons why, and I want.... I was born and bred just to pass her fancy, making me do whatever the fuck, and when I got tiresome and mouthy, she threw me out into the street and started ADOPTING dogs and cats and horses and corn snakes.
This morning, as I was trying to figure out where I was as she screamed at me to get the fuck out of HER life, she wishes she NEVER HAD ME, and this beratement happened whilst I was sleeping on a hardwood floor with one sheet and one blanket and two shirts for a pillow, as this happens I then hear something that by the day enrages and disgusts me further and further "GOOD GIRL JIZELLE! YOU ATE YOUR BREAKFAST, GOOD JOB! G0OD GIRL!!" "GOOD BOY MOOSE! YOU'RE BREATHING!"
WHERE WAS MY PRAISE?
WHERE WAS MY ADORATION?
WHY THE FUCK IS A DOG GETTING PRAISE *FOR EATING* WHILE I HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE LESS THAN DIRT?@?>#@?#@?
YOU FUCKING BITCH
I AM NOT OK, NOT ANYMORE, NOT AFTER TODAY
WHY AM I 32 AND JUST NOW ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE THIS
BECAUSE SHE FUCKING CRIPPLED ME, THE CONTROLLING BITCH
GODDAMNIT AND I NEVER BLASPHEME BUT GOD YOU FUCKING WELL HEARD MY PRAYERS AND YOU FELT MY PAIN AND ANGUISH, I WAS PUSHED INTO A FUCKING SCIENCE EXPERIMENT FOR ONE AFTER ANOTHER, YET YOU DID NOTHING?>
THIS IS NOT OK, AND I AM NOT. I HAVE SUFFERED SINCE I WAS LITERALLY BORN AND FROM THE TIME I COULD STAND IT WAS "DON'T BREAK THINGS JASON! BE CAREFUL! YOU'RE SO CLUMSY MY GOD! DON'T BREAK THAT! DO THIS, BUT BED CAREFUL DOING IT! YOU DUMB BASTARD, WHY COULDN'T YOUR FATHER RAISE YOU! WHY ME?>!?>!>?!?!"
why me?
why?
why
why
why
why
why
"Where was my praise?"
"Where was my imbecilic exploited lady's emotional validation?"
"Why couldn't God carry me?"
"Why couldn't my father carry me?"
"Why couldn't anyone carry me?"
"Why ME?"
"ME ME ME"
Vomit.
Mike's not pretty, of course. He'd have been dispatched one way or another _long_ before I finally had no choice but to ask Annie to leave. At which point, she refused.
I explained calmly, that if she didn't want to see a doctor, didn't want to take a Xanax, didn't want to go in the other room, didn't want to do anything except moan about how she couldn't sleep, what options did she leave me?
No answer.
I really fucking hate "no comment". It's fucking insane.
Bereft of options, I was forced to do what I did with Ejay and feign emotional fury to communicate with her (but not quite breaking laws of physics or smashing anything). I just yelled at her to leave. With puppy-dog eyes, looking up at me in a way that made me want to put her down (it's pathetic emotional manipulation), she finally got up to leave.
I told her she could come back any time she wanted to have fun and / or didn't want to share pain, but she swore at me and slammed my door in my face. I shrugged. I was the Second Offender, you see? In her mind, I'm in the wrong.
This is how narcissists do logic.
It's Catholic 'logic'. In its purest form. She's allowed to hijack others with her insane imposition and her demented emotional suffering. If they ask her to leave them alone, they're the ones that are RUDE.
I shrugged. I've just about had it with this world of insane Toddlers. You're incapable of having fun. You just want to suffer and scream and smirk and snivel and drag the world down into the gutter of your misery so you can imagine you're superior.
No one - nothing - is as inferior as this non-aborted abortion of emotional screaming Toddler leeches substituting for Humanity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike
i just want it to end
why couldn't my dad step up and claim his only son?
and jack, he could have given a fuck and been a champion for humanity
but he was too busy getting drunk night after night
and projecting his demons likenesses onto my face and body and terrorizing me, for his own uses
people using me, this goes way back, right to the beginining
even my dad just wanted to keep a pretty 20 year girl happy, being 12 years older (well shoot there it is again! AGAIN! AN INFLECTION POINT RIPE FOR THE MANIPULATING BY AN INSANE PERSON)
john I hate you
i am literally breaking down, right here right now, ii can't stop the tears any better than i can stop my teeth from clenching, this is not right what you are doing is not right and your words have consequences you NEVER SEEM TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT
too much too little and more than enough.
ENOUGH GODDAMN YOU
ENOUGH!
Yes.
Yes, indeed. Enough of your infernal Disturbing of the Peace.
It doesn't bother me that this inhumane sub-species is racing towards extinction. Whilst the non-renewable resources are being drained, it will be "kill or be killed" in the 'minds' of you screaming Toddlers. It doesn't bother me that you'll all wipe each other out with your ME ME ME horror.
The only thing that bothers me is the possibility that you won't.
An hour after Annie left, I was at the fridge when I smelled smoke and turned around to see my MBA was smoking. "That's peculiar", I thought to myself, as I rushed over to shut it down.
"How strange," I thought, looking at the vaunted Mac electric socket and cord, wondering what in the hell...
This is an 11 month old MBA which has been fried. The power cord has literally disintegrated.
It's inexplicable, really. Either this happened in the hour after Annie left or it's been slowly disintegrating over a period of time. It's strange. I handle that cord every day.
She was here for a day, until I had to throw her out because at the end of the day, she's just another Toddler like you. She couldn't sleep and I don't really sleep unless I pass out, but she wanted to sleep and kept talking about it. This seemed strange to me; if you want to sleep, then sleep. If you don't, don't. What's the problem?
She couldn't sleep, obviously. So she would come and moan about it.
This is apparently what I look like after someone has just asked the most insane question anyone can ask.
"Are you sure?"
Yes. I'm sure you're insane for asking me whether I'd lie in response to the second most insane question anyone can ask.
"Are you okay?"
I am always okay, until your insanity gives your demented brain the idea that you should try and impress me with your horrifying, screaming, sudden 'caring' for my welfare. At which point, apparently I look like this.
I imagine I've looked like this for most of my life in this world of horrifying narcissists and sociopaths and their demented caring for the welfare of someone who has just asked them to leave and is trying to process the insanity that is their 'logic' in insisting on staying where they're no longer WELCOME.
I imagine married guys wake up one day with a look like this. "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Wrong question. Obviously, they weren't. If you need a legal or social contract to force you to care about someone...
Linear Mode
