I'm getting pretty loose. Time for food or sleep or something. unsure on coherence of the below. ignore if nonsensical.
Originally Posted by
VaughnP
Monogamy is arguably the biggest lie our westernized culture has going at the moment.
It's so brilliant. It gets everyone. I fell for it.
At one point I was so viciously anti-cheaters I was borderline ferocious. Like I got into morality fights with my buddies over their cheating with random floozies. Needless to say, they were like
nigger what?
Then Aun, in the process of killing me, brought me back to sanity. 6 simultaneously 'exclusive' b/fs all of whom thought she was THEIRS. It's insane because she was living with all of us. Bah she was a genius.
It's not natural to lock yourself into a lifelong contract for anything. This exclusivity shit is even worse I think. It hurts everyone. It destroys everything. It's horrifying. Everyone is fucking everyone in this unfathomable world of horny Toddlers with their classified secrets and naughty rendezvous and encrypted communications with their hoes. They have a right to privacy. It's all the lies that cover the world in creepy.
It's all about lying > loss of Self > gain of Need > need to Love / Leech / Suck Life out of victim > Live in misery > Breed > Polite children best way to get everyone lying.
Awkwardness. There is nothing more horrifying than being compelled to do something you don't really want to do because it's insane but you're too young to know that your aversion is sane. It's lies. They make everyone lie to save each others feelings, of all insane things. Children aren't born with shame they get it from their mothers. Who got it from their priests. Who've been exploited by thousands of years of abuse and these things add up; I'm sure of it. It's kind of horrifying but I don't know how every mother on this planet (in a single generation) are ALL fucking up their children.
It's kind of tripping me out and makes me wanna scream. Not one mother ONLY cares about the best interests of her child / happiness. All they care about is teaching children to PLEASE = Exploitation = Cannot Impress = Cannot Please = Will Horrify eventually but when a child only wants to please others = NO SENSE OF SELF > Needy > Love > Misery
And round and round the Catholic Confidence Trick goes. They create the misery to inject the shame that smashes everyone into the gravel. Pain pain pain.
Then they lift them up. Awwh. The priest will be there to give you that tender existential validation that so obviously understandably becomes an addiction. So many times in my life when I was confused and lost I just wanted someone / anyone to order me around and take the worries off my shoulders.
Catholicism's endgame is misery. Your misery is their power. Oh it's all so horrifying it's traumatic.
Lots of ways religion has to achieve misery but zero ways not to achieve misery.
Marriage contracts are one of the former.
Emotional sweet tenderising is one of the former.
11 years. He'd have to have become okay with it by now. It's probably a fond memory or something almost pleasant (chains preventing him from moving on but if he doesn't want to he doesn't want to)
If he had a sense of Self, it would be a non-issue. Believing your life's chance for happiness is tied up in someone you'll never see again is...madness. Catholic madness. Brilliant Catholic madness.
You really are onto something Scooter with all these rants across various threads. So is it society that brainwashes these girls with the aid of a fertility ticking biological clock?
Fear of not being normal, I think. That gets them married and public perception in the minds of girls is...they're abused by their horrifying mothers who have been drilled into thinking they know how ladies are supposed to creep you out, so they teach their daughters how to creep you out. It's what proper ladies do. It all lies, it's all horrifying virginal crap, it's all illusions of purity and innocence and underneath there is some fucking rot.
Narcissism makes them breed. Narcissism is widely misperceived, even by me until very recently when I realised the screaming that has horrified me for life was narcissistic inability to care who else they were hurting. There could be tests designed for it by people brighter than I am. But basically once you're a narcissist - I mean, I've never seen someone who was a narcissist become sane again. But if we don't shut them and their screaming up, the rot will roll on indefinitely.
If I could videotape the horror. My baby sister 11 asked by me how gymnastics going etc. Her face brightens, she's starts to talk.
"YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE BEEN A FAMOUS BALLERINA IF DAD DIDN'T PULL ME OUT OF BALLERINA CLASS."
My 32 year old sister. Steamrolls over the top of sanity and decency with her screaming. CANNOT identify comprehend or associative any emotions aside from her horror motivators. She promises. She pretends to understand. She's vaguely aware that everyone's not horrified and faking their horror. She's just...unsure whether she gives a fuck because she doesn't get it. All she can think about is her pain. She's not selfish. It's amazing how Catholics flipped the logic on selfishness. You're not selfish if you're a narcissist. you're tortured. you just scream in pain. We need to test people with pain and if they can't help screaming it we need to put them into peace. Maybe what 3, 4 billion? It's a no-brainer.
Everyone is faking. Everyone is running Confidence Tricks. On everyone. No one is looking to hear a single thing because they've heard it all before. They think they have. Everyone is running Confidence Tricks which means they know everyone is running confidence tricks the only people who ever get burned are children and the tragically emotionally confused still.
I have no idea what I was thinking prior to recently realising this fact and I think it probably isn't worth agonising over it but my writing is so fucking terrible. Like...sometimes I want to scream because I'm pretty sure I'm onto some other even more important or oh.my.god stuff that hits me in patches when the puzzle pieces come together and it's all seems so vitally important because everything fits but I think it's all moot in reality. Still, I wish I could put it all together and make coherent arguments. I cannot transfer the clarity of the horror which is mostly all simple, but brilliant Confidence Trickery onto the page. I see it perfect in my mind but it's horrifying. I can't get it onto any medium. It drives me up the wall. But I'm certain it's all moot.
I hope I'm wrong. If I'm right, the horror...
Everyone lies about their suffering and pain. So brilliant.
They make everyone ashamed of their pain. So no one talks about it. Brilliant.
They got everyone faking happiness to the point where I think you're lying to yourself if you even know whether you're 'forcing it' or whether you're genuine in a good mood. I never knew.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Brilliant. Everyone screams alone.
On a side note, I've fallen for exactly one girl in my life, but even when completely under her spell, I still was just as open to any other woman.
The trick I could never 'get' to open relationships and all that 'terrifying' stuff was that everyone needs to be perfectly healthy. No leeches. I'm not sure that many people exist in the world. We are all so traumatised to feel pain even at a single person's criticism - if we like / respect them, and they have enough of our shit. and let fly. It's existentially terrifying. It's the leeches who can't handle what isn't even offensive. I'm so (arrogant is NOT the word, I'm so) okay with who I am, a girl I was a huge fan of could be like "Tom and I going to Europe for 8 days on Sunday" and I'd be aiight.
Literally no angst. Because wtf I don't need to control. Just truth so there's no creepy lies or concern "are you okay" *shiver*
They could come back and be like "yo we're gonna do this exclusive thing for awhile and I'd be like "orly? gl with that" and I would mean GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
The missing variable is the bumhurt. The imagined blow to your fragile traumatised OUR MOTHERS did this to us. The pain I suffered. I don't get angry but God. I don't get how low can you be drilled before you're so confused living is no longer attractive. My low point is SO MUCH HIGHER than exploited girls.
I could be like friends with the guy sleeping with my girl. I swear to god. I literally don't think I could possibly care about being valued less or more or 5% or 95% I coudln't give a fuck but it has to be honest. I'm 5% into you, 95% into him. Sweet I got a piece.
It's the deception that fucks everyone. Fucking lies. The imagined offence so these shrewd horror shows will creep out decency. I might kill some awkward types who bring that shit around me again.
You know, they were just being polite. That's how Catholics teach everyone to lie with a straight face. It's for the other person's benefit. Uh huh.
Originally Posted by
VaughnP
He literally went through a 5 year period right after they split up of just banging infinite random younger girls, many of them that favored my mom, it was depressing.
Similar pattern to my horrifying noose but the misery I was living in was fucked. Aun snapped me out of it at the 4 yr mark but I was sure I was taking it to my grave. Sick misery. Dying snapped me out of Aun.
I could not fall in love now. I do not believe my brain chemistry could even allow it now. That might sound moronic but the way I feel now, it could not happen. The need for the insanity is gone. I don't think it'll ever come back.
The concept is almost foreign to me now, the faggotry. Just seems retarded, insane. Probably because it is.
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