Though I'd be happy to meet Bob (if that is even his real alias), I've have had the unfortunate experience of only meeting Sonatine a few times, and unfortunately only under duress. Almost fell the fuck off my chair when I read the other day he was in Thailand for 7 months. No idea what the fuck he was doing but it's possible he's lying because - I mean, I wasn't stalking him with my Google Calendar or anything but I could of sworn he was only there for like 2 months or something - bit of a He Said She Said situation isn't it?
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. We're all entitled to our opinions.
On the other hand, I was religiously taking Thai Viagra at the time (10x better than Viagra but then it wasn't _just_ Viagra, there was uppers and other stuff happening in those magic pills that very nearly killed me in the end but probably only because I was being exploited by my Thai "buddy" who I was lying to myself about being a legitimate friend - probably something ridiculous like 800% markup or more, who knows? I never even got to find out the name of the pill because he was very bright and I was his mark - I would urge him to find out what info he could ROFL. I'm not dumb. He was just a brilliant manipulative crackup. Happy for me to die, but then in his defence, I was giving him a lot of cash for these amazing pills). So because I was a junkie with a hard-on and borderline rushing all the time, hyped up on fuck knows what but it felt good; I can't really be relied upon to even know what the fuck was happening, where and to whom, because all I wanted to do was fuck. And all I could do was jerk off mostly because I don't think you understand how good these pills were. Maybe you could shower and find laundered clothes and shave and travel to where girls are but then maybe if you were like me, you'd say "I'll do all that later tonight" but right now I'm gotta watch this amazing video with this smoking hot girl in it, who **spoiler** gets fucked in the end. Well actually she gets fucked the whole way through. It's great. Do you know the one?
A year can go by literally jerking around and maybe that year seems maybe like a month or two so I can't really be relied upon to have an
opinion about how long Sonatine was in Bangkok because clearly I was an Rebel Without A Clue. I had an Erection for like a year, though. So there's that. Probably I was a lot like you. But way higher. There were some really "feel-good" additives in this dick pill. So Sonatine's probably almost certainly lying because I remember he was there for like 2 months. I don't know why he'd lie to you, who knows his reasons? His beard?
Of course, this is a fake debate I'm using to show you some things about your noose, but Sonatine's stay in Bangkok can actually be proved. So? If I persisted in calling him a liar (without all the objective disclosures of truth), we could probably force him to sigh and just scan in the proof. Without my ever disclosing a motive, we could probably have forced him to do that just by throwing aspersions on his assertion. Who knows. My point being, when he does submit the irrefutable evidence, we can throw aspersions on that too. Wanna bet? The History you know was written that way.
Lies lies and whomever is the most horrifying and deceitful Wins. Right?
Hmm. Well you know the Honest Guys lose. Nice Guys finish last, you know that. What I knew is that girls didn't want Nice Guys. Your mom was just a whore in denial. Don't get emotional and blame her. She was motivated by the same reasons I raped girls. It was a compliment.
I didn't really deserve it, did I? They didn't deserve me, as it turned out. But trust me, no one was winning, or won. I almost died. They got raped, which means some of them fell in love with me (oh I was v v good) and some snapped out of what their imaginations had imagined (I just pressed their noose buttons) and quite understandably believed I had drugged them or something. Mind control of damaged vassals who believe they are sane, is a horrifying thing. I don't feel any animosity towards them. They were just doing what I would be doing if I was was not introspective enough to realise "What the fuck do I really know? I was high with an erection most of 2010 getting played by one of the brightest minds in the world. I genuinely believed Sonatine was there for 2 months. He says 7. I'm putting 5k dealer on 7.
Girls who I had raped with my mind but not really, they demanded to be raped and I faked the disinterest they were interested in, and then played their stupid faces because I'm brilliant and they're so damaged it's implausible (3500 of exploitation and everything is implausible), they would not be capable of believing they weren't in control. I levelled with one of them. I didn't want to kill her. So I told her the Truth. She wanted blood. I never even touched her.
That's why she wanted blood.
People take rejection very badly. Look at the OP in this thread.
If I managed to make the 7 months v 2 months thing "a thing", I could probably force Sonatine to defending himself from MY outrageous denials of his Truth (without any of you even asking "What the fuck are you on about?"). You might not care. But if I could make you care, you would join in demanding Sonatine level with us. You wouldn't question my motives and if you did, I would say "Who knows why he's lying to us? He just is. We should ask him why he's lying?"
No motives would be questioned, is my point. Because you all lie all the time. No one even knows why. This isn't a coincidence.
You fucking morons.
You are the worst in the world (tied) at considering the most important thing in the world (with daylight between it and whatever is second).
Motive: Why are people doing the things they're doing?
You don't care, because you're a narcissist.
This is why Religious 'selfishness' is the dumbest fucking hilarity ever. You don't care why people do things to you, all you care about is whether they do or don't do to you. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you but Jesus doesn't care if you're sane or not. Shouldn't he be focusing on motive instead of telling people to follow Moses Laws (where motive is never considered at any point)? Shouldn't it really be something important if you're going to be trying to make people do the right thing?
Religion is a Confidence Trick designed to make people do the wrong thing.
Here is the proof. There is no motive.
Law is designed to make people do the wrong thing. They don't care about motive. They just lie about motive. They assume that a girlfriend leaving you could be motive to kill her. What.The.Fuck. No morons. Your insanity is your motive.
I don't have your butthurt insanity so if I dump a girl and she dies, how the fuck could a court assert that I had motive to kill her? Just because you are all insane? Morons.
The Law knows all this. The Law made you morons. And it made you the snivelling creep you are today, running Confidence Tricks on EVERYBODY, including yourself. Rofl.
It's all a question of motive. Explaining to people why they should want to do the right thing rather than telling them THOU SHALT NOT KILL OKAY!?
Where is the motive discussion. What if someone was trying to kill you? Could you kill them then? THOU SHALT NOT KILL OKAY!?
The only people who would ever try to convince you of something that demented are the people who want to kill you. Or confuse you into killing. Surprise surprise. This isn't my opinion you fucking dimwits. Read your sociopath Evil Books.
I know you know all this already. That's why you're Insane. You fake Insanity with the guise of Insanity. You think you're sane because you know things about the game that mean you don't have the play it, but it's great if everyone else would. Teehee.
DO DO IT. What about you? NAH. THAT SHIT IS CRAZY.
You're toddlers trying to goad people into telling you the Truth whilst you lie to them. That's a Confidence Trick.
You're toddlers trying to get people to love you whilst you sleep with anyone. That's a Confidence Trick.
You're toddlers breeding little accessory humans who you lie to NON-STOP, asserting that they should love you by virtue of your having brought them into the world? Where is the logic in that? JUST GIVE ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OKAY!?
Vile Confidence Tricks. The world is playing this game. Because none of you are bright enough to have a clue about motive. This is because you're insane. So you think imagined pain is worth hurting people in reality. This happens all the time. Actually, it's the only way violence can happen that isn't accidentally started. Offence. You sickening little Toddlers.
It's all about motive. I would spin out because these imbeciles would come up to me angry because I was laughing and they were miserable and insane, and also maybe because I was talking to a cute girl and they wanted to inject themselves into consideration. Sigh. so I was laughing at Berlin Bar in like 2002 I think and it was one of the best nights of my life for no reason I imagine than faggotry not rearing up it's endless head of insane misery. I was in a delightful mood and I was delighting a very cute waitress who would have been, at the time, one of the cutest girls or the cutest girl I'd ever _not_ raped. I was drilling hilarity, witty and funny and she was laughing and laughing and then she was going to go home with me until Insanity (a guy I'd never met) interjected our laughing, very politely. Hahah. He wasn't going to be 'rude' being the RUDEST vilest insane person I'd ever met, probably 20th on the list now.
He had a problem. Why was I laughing at him. This is what he claimed to want to know. He was trying to bully me. He wasn't frightened at all. This was about the girl. She was doing all the laughing. I was doing all the jokes. I probably wasn't even laughing at all. It doesn't need to make sense when you are insane. He just wanted to assert his power, because he doesn't have a fucking clue how to have fun and the thing about people who do have a clue is, Insanity makes Sanity appear exploitable.
I wasn't afraid. I'm a terrifying Power who hides my power from everyone because it scared them and I didn't know why. Why wouldn't they be happy with knowing someone who was very bright and sharp and insightful? I didn't care. I just hated all that shit because the people I wanted to be friends with hated all that shit. Motive?
Work it out, imbeciles. You already have. Decades ago. You're all so insane.
This insane faggot wasn't scaring me, but I was FURIOUS. This girl was the most important thing in my entire world at that time, and this faggot was trying to imagine I could be laughing at him when he's never been funny in his life? Never been important enough to notice in his life? I knew that was his problem. I'm Power. What that means is I can kill him in ways he doesn't realise. The reason he doesn't realise them is because he's insane AND because NO ONE HAS KILLED HIM AND YOU ALL REALLY SHOULD. Kill. Die. Whatever the fuck. Just get Misery out of the way so sane people can have fun.
I've never killed anyone intentionally. I've been pacifying the insane tortured beasts of this world since I was FIVE YEARS OLD. This guy was one of the closest that have come to dying. None of you morons understand why glass bottles are sold in nightclubs. No matter how many glasses are smashed and stabbed into the bodies and faces of the unwitting, you just don't care because you don't care about motive. I know why glasses are there, because the first time I saw a bloody glassing, I thought "What the fuck are glasses doing in this situation?" The answer is: So that they can be used as weapons by Confidence Trickster creeps who like having weapons because even if you were aware of the hidden weapon, it's a win for them on Prisoner's dilemma. Some guys wont' be aware. Some guys won't be capable of even smashing and stabbing a face if they were aware. It doesn't matter to guys who control these things because it's all Win/Win/Draw in their minds. They want to use the weapon. Sure you can use it too. They cut you up first. They're faster. Sharper. Bigger. Crazier.
They know they're crazier. They know they're more insane. They laugh because they think this gives them edge. They can fuck you up and you're sitting there hesitant worrying about morality and consequences and thinking about the blood and they'd have sliced your face open and WON in the meantime.
They have God on their side. They just don't realise it. The Confidence Trick of Christianity is what they're benefitting from.
They just don't realise they'd be friends with everyone in a sane world. Because no one's best interests are served in cutting each other's faces open with a beer bottle weapon so conveniently placed there I've known about it for ever. And been very uncomfortable with the implications. How could it be in my best interests? I was never going to pick a fight.
The only people who pick fights are the guys who know about the glass weapon. Anyone else dumb enough to pick a fight, and throw up their dukes, in a bar? I would fall on the ground laughing.
This insane guy was one of those guys. He was so fucking stupid because he didn't believe there would be a fight. He was just trying to assert what he believed was his Right as Power, in his idiotic mind. I had a near-empty Tooheys New long glass bottle in my hand. I could have killed him before he could ever realise that my fear was faked. I was pacifying his insanity.
It's what insane people want, you see. Just show them a little bit of (fake) Respect. They don't know what real respect is. They've been beaten down their entire life by Confidence Trickster faggot parents and Society and religious insanity. They think Fear = Respect.
I was insulting him so brazenly I had to rein myself in a couple times. I'm not insane. I had to rein myself in a couple times because I was taking risks by laying the sarcasm on so thick, it put the entire situation in danger. This was all for the girl. I was concerned she would think I was backing down like a terrified little bitch at his show of insanity. I'm not a bitch. If you can explain to me how it's in my interests to kill him there (and it's kill or pacify - no third option unless you're insane), by all means sell me on killing him. Because I couldn't see it. I could just pacify his insanity and try and laugh about the horror. Back to having fun. This is what is sane. So I was laying it on so thick because I have been in this situation before.
Like my entire life.
I didn't want to kill him, but a couple times I pushed the sarcasm a little too far and that could have meant he had to die. You know, when I say die people would think
"what about everything in between".
These are people oblivious to the concepts of "vendetta", "revenge" and "justice". And a lot more things. When you fight, when you are sane, you fight for all the marbles. Any fight that isn't for all the marbles is your evidence that it's a fight between creeps who set you up and then signed a treaty at the end. What is this insanity? They're not real enemies. They're only playing games for reasons of legitimacy. If your government didn't fight wars, at some point you would think "Why are they even there?"
If you think the Police are there to Protect & Serve you, then I don't know what to say to you because I don't know if you're the dumbest moron alive or a Confidence Tricker who imagines you're running some kind of game on someone for some imagined advantage and that's the motive I want to talk about.
Why you do the things you do. You're like the Insane guy who very nearly died a few times in Berlin Bar in like 2002 and walked away with a huge fat smirk on his face because Insanity believes Sanity is exploitable. Because you're stupid and insane and delusional. The trifecta. You already know everything. You know nothing. And you're emotionally insane. Tick Tick Tick. Horror.
I've never killed anyone intentionally but if you think all this humanitarian shit is some kind of weak gibberish
"Why can't we all just be friends?" *sob* - NO.
I'm saying we need to kill billions of screamers. You're not bright enough to do the game theory I've done. You're bright enough to follow it but you're too lazy to read. That's why you're stupid because books are made to pollute your mind. But not John le Carre's. I've been going on about his Truth for awhile. How many of you have even read a single one based on my recommendation?
Zero? I would be surprised if it was not 0.
Am I not brighter than you are? Do you imbeciles think I'm insane. I think so. "Write for my entertainment." Do you idiots think I'm your Confidence Trick victim?
I was a dark, dangerous child. Because I was sane. I felt guilt about it for decades because everyone had lied to me about killing. Some really bad fucks got saved by the Law because these were pedophiles raping children and the onus of proof would have been on me when I killed them. Maybe I could prove it. Maybe they have powerful relatives or associates. Too many unknowns but I know Law. It's a Confidence Trick that is a Protection Racket. I've known this on some level since every child I knew in the world (aside from a tiny handful we were living with) were taken by the people who didn't realise the Law was a Confidence Trick.
Good people. People who care about people who breed children to sexually abuse them. Department of Community Services employees. Welfare agents. Police who may or may not care - they might just believe the orders were coming down from above. Doesn't matter. Lots of good people took all the children I knew into protective custody. All of those children were being horribly abused. Some were getting sexually molested. Some were getting physically abused by sociopaths who get high on exploiting religious disparities of size. Insane people. The darkest, sickest fucks you'll ever read about. People who keep their children in basements because they Love them. Fathers of the Year.
The important thing about Fritzl and his daughter was not that he was a devout Catholic. It was not that the Bible has so much incest insanity in it, it's horrifying. It's not that the Bible has so much child fealty to parents / elders insanity in it, it's horrifying. It's not that the Bible invented "possession" of your children as your property to be controlled. It's not that the Bible invented the insanity of Love. No no no.
The important issue is what are we doing to do with the sex pit now that it's no longer being used to do what is done without the incest all over the world. He just loved his daughter. She was an attractive woman. What's not to like? Genetic deformities?
Fuck off Science. The Bible says incest is okay. It literally commands it. Commandment IV: Honour thy father and thy mother.
Motive? They know your parents aren't going to be honourable. That's what the law is for. If your parents were honourable, you wouldn't need a law to honour them. They could handle things themselves if you dishonoured them. Do you see the Christian imposition and corruption of purity and sanity? They will assert the dishonour has occurred. It doesn't matter if you are happy your kid is happy, they will assert that he has dishonoured you. He's a conscientious objector to a military draft ordering him to kill or die for illusion, illusion and illusion. He's going to prison. He's dishonoured you. Your honour is gone. Shame on you.
Insanity.
Good people came and took Very abused children away. The circumstances in which we were held captive were horrifying inside. Outside, pristine. Close the blinds. HORROR.
The Law is a Confidence Trick.
On some level I have always known all of this. But unwilling to die, I fought the insanity alone without a _single_ fucking friend for 14 years. When I came out, I was sick of conflict. Sick of fighting alone. I had to Trust because what would have the point in staying alive for this fucking world of Confidence Tricksters. I could destroy most of you without blinking. Well this forum's pretty bright but I'm talking talking about people in general.
I fought alone. I couldn't rely on the others. There were some when I was 7 or 8 who left me hanging after convincing me that they were braver than I was but then I don't blame a kid for turning tail and running - they blamed me though, for...?
For their cowardice. They have to. They can't cope with having betrayed me. They felt there would be vengeance. They think I'm going to be "just". That would mean going after them to teach them a lesson. But why? Why would I? What lesson could I teach them? That I was brave and they were cowards? That would be a lie. And not a lesson. We were both brave. I was a few moments more insane. I very nearly betrayed them first. Shit be terrifying. No lesson to teach. No malice involved. Just terror. The only thing to do is not to put them in that position again. I was on my own.
That's sanity, can you spot it? No need for revenge. There was intent to betray. They were lying to themselves trying to be brave and they fooled me. But we were all doing that. I've always been sickeningly sane except when I was insane but then I was just a victim of Confidence Tricks like Love. And believing friends who tell you how unattractive you are all the time. I knew it already. What was the need to remind me. I should have been smarter. I was smarter. I was annoyed at the redundancy of the act. I wasn't trying to lie to myself. I was very unattractive. Everyone told me.
I was lying to myself. I slept with lots of very pretty girls. Most were 'raped'. That's why I missed the forest for the trees. Gulping with the guilt of having manipulated them, because I didn't actually think I was worth them being interested, and horrified at some of them wanting more - like seriously more, in love - I would lose the plot with guilt. This was not Christianity or Law or Society. I wasn't breaking any Law or moral code. "free will". They had the free will to choose and I made them choose me. I thought I was very unattractive though. I overestimated my powers. I missed the forest for the trees in their reactions. And when I wasn't doing that horrifying shit anymore, I would occasionally hookup and invariably fuck it up completely before the night was over so I would be sleeping alone again. Missing the forest for the trees again. Friends there every step of the way to let me know they felt bad for me.
They were chopping me off at the knees inside clubs, eating at restaurants or food courts, social situations where there wouldn't be a cute girl and they'd be great. And then a girl would come into the frame and suddenly they're cracking jokes at my 'expense'. It wasn't that I was bumhurt, but how were these people they were getting me mixed up with? I wasn't a moron. I'm just Showbiz. I was the kind of victim that played along. Bounced comedy back. I figured they'd explain the joke on me later. Rofl. They would get angry when I wasn't in the mood. Their victimisation of me made them actually scorn me. I was pitiful.
Not really. They were insane. I was trying to make sense of their insanity.
I was abused a very long time. It's very hard to keep your sanity in an abusive kind of situation. I wasn't getting furious with them. I was getting butthurt, I couldn't understand this madness. We could be cool. We were cool. We had the capacity to be cool. Far too often, we were fucking losers.
Their fault. I wanted to have fun. They wanted to advantage over me. It's religious, you imbeciles. I've always been the one wanting to have fun, getting blamed for supposedly offending people in their minds. Tight play, dimwits. If you get offended, period, and show it. You. Should. Die.
The world's not ready for this yet. You're all too busy exploiting. Lying about how terrible all your Evil Insanity is. Scolding children for doing what you force them to do with your religions and your lies and your Confidence Tricking everyone, no one, just smearing your filthy Insanity and Shrewd all over the world. Pretending to be good, being evil privately, thinking you're being shrewd or maybe thinking shame, who the fuck knows with you dark beasts.
Bullied-bus-monitor-gets-300000-in-donations-after-video-goes-viral
She needs to die. She gets $300,000 instead to keep the lies going. She's not touched. She's just a horror show of insanity in her mind.
When my friends would 'bully' me, it was too horrifying to process so I cut them slack. I was a dangerous Power that they saw, routinely. I was their power though, that's how they saw me. I wouldn't ever destroy them. They controlled me. Their bullying was so insane, sometimes I would gasp. Were they suicidal. This is social suicide. They were forcing me into MAD situations. It was the fake Cold War but for real in our social lives.
It was religion. They had God on their side.
They'd push and push until the only thing left for me to do was destroy them. And you cannot destroy someone without killing them. They were killing me. I'm not going to fight them. They'd either commit suicide or get physical in which case I would gut them until they stopped breathing. Not because I wanted to but because I'm not stupid enough to play for some of the marbles over and over.
They would chop me off at the knees so brazenly by the end, I was just their little bitch. But here's the thing. I'm not? I'm just too sane to kill them thinking I can win. So they'd force me to lose. And I'd bite my lip thinking, "At some point, what will I have left to lose by making you lose for the last time?"
I'd lie in the meantime, to myself. Cutting them slack. Apologising for people since I was 14, thinking I was being Selfishly intelligent. "They must have really been crazy about her etc" Just fucking lying to myself. Too frightened to start out wholesale with no friends, stuck with these fucking sociopaths but "thinking positive" so I wasn't dwelling on it. One or two long dark nights where the Truth was obvious and I arrived at some game play conclusion that my options were
Terror or
Think Positive so I thought positive every time from then on.
Confidence Tricks.
I would build them up. Make them sound so fucking cool. They would tear me down. I confronted them. "What are you doing?"
They thought I was confused. They smirked.
"Nothing...whaaat? What are you talking about?" They were smirking, denying. This horrified me. What did they think they were denying? They just thought I was too stupid to realise they were knocking me and insulting me pretending to patronise me but they weren't in a patron role. Girls would see this shit because it was so fucking obvious? They thought they were being subtle. So did girls. You understand why? If it was subtle they wouldn't get it. They only just got it, so they thought it was very subtle. Girls are morons. They fuck up logic as if they've been exploited for 3500 years of brainwashed ingrained religious insanity. You know, if I didn't know better.
Girls could see. They thought they could. They have no intuition. They're too stupid to understand anything. They would see the 'bullying', my horror at it. They would process it as Strong > weak. Insanity > sanity. Girls demand it to be molested by their insanity. They're attracted to the guys that will hit them. They're morons. They should have been so horrified on some occasions where it was so obvious I'm being butt-plugged by sheer sociopath insanity, but they still fucked up the analysis. These guys weren't trying to Win, mind. This was about hanging onto me. I could never work that aspect of their insanity out.
"Why don't we work together? For mutual benefit? We could be so much more impressive!"
They'd say "yes." Then backstab me, in the front. They're not very bright. Their insanity had me spinning for years. I couldn't work it out. They thought they'd worked it out. I was value. They weren't
good enough to be attractive as a friend. They knew it. I never thought in those terms. I wanted all the friends. The more friends the better. Toddlers don't think like that.
I knew I wasn't
good enough for every girl who fell in love with me. And I was a Sap. So when they would fall in love, quite intensely; I would shove them away in horror. I didn't know how, but I assumed I had raped them again somehow subconsciously. I wasn't trying to lie but then I was still dabbling in non-disclosure. All I had to do was tell ALL the truth and I would have seen the Truth. My lies left me broken and beaten on the ground in late Oct 2010 and I was dead. Aun had won.
Then I wasn't. Some new information which changed everything, the instant I had resigned myself to death. I was at peace for the first time since I was 5. I was happy, the horror was about to be over. Lying at peace, not caring about what anyone thought or said or how I looked or a damn fucking thing, just resting at peace catching my breath...my eyes opened.
Jumped to my feet a few minutes later. Laughing. Poor Aun. She hasn't even Won, you know? She just makes everyone lose. I lost. Then I stopped playing the insane game and I tried to convince her that I had lost and the game could be called but no that's not how it works so Aun had to try and kill herself because that's where insanity goes. I was laughing when I heard. Her friends thought I was a demon. But nah. They hadn't given me the good news yet that she 'survived'. I was laughing at hearing she cut her wrists. They were so horrified, they backed out of my hotel room.
Aun doesn't die. She just plays a VERY good game.
Toddlers think in terms of superiority and inferiority. They knew I was grotesquely superior. Which is why I spent a decade hating myself for everything. Why would they lie to me? I kept asking this question, as the years rolled by where all they did was lie to me.
I was not infected with the insanity that is "revenge". Or "justice". I had a sense of morality that was given to me by NOBODY. I was born with it. It's in my DNA. It's in yours too. But you lie to yourself when your DNA screams at you because you're too stupid to listen to yourSelf.
I know how your DNA stops screaming at you. I'm not judging you. I was there. I was in Berlin Bar in 2002 having the night of my life and about to go home with the cutest girl in my life which I had impressed fair and square. With humour. With agency. No lies. No games.
Insanity screamed. Insanity thought he was being a bully. I pacified him because why the fuck would I kill an insane person who just wants to assert his insanity before hitting on the girl, and kicking along safe in the knowledge he's cool. He's insane. I took optimality even though I could have killed him with the glass in my hand he didn't even notice ever. His arrogance was hilarious. I just thought it was all cute. Laid on the sarcasm so thick even an insane person got suspicious that I was mocking him. Um. Yes. I was mocking him. Calling him Sir, and talking about how stupid I was to be so inconsiderate of him and his "friends". He was alone. My friends were fucking nowhere to be seen. They weren't needed. If they were, they'd be nowhere to be seen.
I handled the horror perfectly. The only thing I was afraid of was whether I could be as funny after Insanity killed the mood. I was pretty concerned. I saw him off, bought him a drink, he hit on the girl, she wasn't interested, he moved along, back to sanity?
No.
"Why didn't you stand up to him?"
I almost screamed so loud anyone who would have seen me would quite fairly think I needed to be sectioned. I might have. It was the scream of frustration at morons who have been brainwashed to fight and fucking miss the forest of sanity for the trees of illusions like Dignity. Respect. Status.
The look on this gorgeous girl's face. She was so horrified that I would just roll over like that. I didn't roll over. I risked his life for her, to make sure she understood I was not rolling over. He got nothing. A free drink that I mostly bought him because I was glad I didn't have to kill him. He got nothing but illusionary insane value. I got nothing. That's a Win v Insanity. What does she want me to do? Kill him? Of course not.
She wants me to be Insane twice. Fight him. And not kill him. That's insane. I have to kill him if we fight. You let your enemies sit in a hospital recuperating and you let them finger their stitches and their scars all over their face. You let them come after you with the hatred of....being left to live as Frankenstein. No. I kill or I do not fight.
She thought I rolled over because I didn't kill him. She couldn't look at me, she was so sorry for me. She pitied me. I was 21. I'd just gotten my lucky ass out of the Coalition of the Willing. Everyone wanted to fight. Everyone wanted to die. Everyone wanted to kill. I wanted to have fun.
You say you're sane. You're insane. And I think that you know it. And i'm telling you I know how it happens because I know how it very nearly happened to me. I was 21 and I couldn't fucking take this insanity anymore. I could've killed him as easily as one upwards movement which smashes the bottle a fraction before ripping apart his face in a spray of blood. He goes down. I go down with him to put him out of his misery. I was a very dark person because I was sane. And humane. And told "Thou Shalt Not Kill" by those who wanted to kill me. And told "Thou Shalt Kill" by girls who don't understand there is nothing in the middle between peace and death. Only horror. I didn't hate him that much, to make him 'live' in horror.
She couldn't look at me. I couldn't even say anything. I was tired. I was exhausted by Insanity. I'm a terrifying danger, that was never dangerous but on that night it was very close. I didn't think she'd sleep with me if I did it. I just wanted to do it for me. I didn't need to prove to anyone that I was capable of doing it. I was just going to go over, put my arm around him because we were buddies now that I'd giving him his 'victory', and I was going to kill him. She had faded into the past with all the other fun of 16 years of imbeciles who don't know how to have fun or be sane. You kill everyone's chances of having fun when you're too stupid to even understand that Sanity is not weak when Insanity forces a MAD situation.
She wanted me to kill him. He asked for me to kill him. He provoked. She demanded. The whole world was screaming at me from a very young age to be Insane. And I was 21 when I picked up the bottle of empty beer and I was so SICK of your insanity, I wasn't even hesitating. I walked over to him and he was dead. As good as dead. And he rose to greet me because he'd seen me bomb out. We were brothers in failure. You understand?
They want us to fight. They want us to be insane. They want us fighting over girls and feeling emotional insanity and rage. They wanted me to kill him that night, even if they didn't know three little kids in Berlin Bar. They want the blood and the horror and the deaths and the shame and the chaos. It's how they get legitimacy.
I didn't understand all of that as I registered his connecting with me. He liked me now. Because he saw me bomb out. Neither of us would get the girl, so he knows it's a wash. He liked me and I felt the warmth as I approached to kill him. And I felt so embarrassed. He was a little boy. Confused and lost and he wanted to be me. To be friends with me. To impress the girl like I was impressing her. But he didn't know how. He doesn't understand how to have fun. So he creates pain, in his pain. In his narcissism. It's not his fault. But he needs to be treated with the Truth or with Humane Kindness. He's suffering and he makes good kids who are sane with no motive to hurt anyone, get so furious they spill blood.
He was dead, until I felt the warmth. And then I blushed. I was supposed to be looking after him, not killing him over him trying to run through a world oblivious to the fact he's been hobbled. His eyes loved me. Well he loved the fact that I struck out. Now we were equals. He didn't have to feel bad. I never saw him exist until he was accusing me of mocking him. As if he could be important enough to ridicule. That's his real fear.
The way he saw it, we'd both had a crack at her and both struck out. This was all in his face as I came closer with no discernible change on my friendly, mischievous, faux embarrassed face. I was faking embarrassed to get close enough to kill him. Now I was embarrassed with no intention of killing him. My face did not change at all. I got close enough to where he'd be dying had he not reached out to me with his insane warmth at my 'failure' and I shook my head as if to say "bombed out". He understood. He'd been watching me bomb out.
He said "tough nut to crack, that one" and I realised, he was my little brother. I was supposed to be taking care of people like him, not killing him over a fucking floozy. He just doesn't understand anything about anything, he's been so abused and confused and manipulated by the whole of Society he didn't even know he'd done anything wrong. How can he deserve killing there. He was just a lost little boy. I felt so much pity for him, and empathy, I was awkward and blushing at myself and what I'd very nearly done.
I was going to kill a Toddler because a Toddler thought I was bullied. I said something inconsequential like "just not our night I guess, I might leave 'em to you, good night mate" and I thought he was going to hug me for a second but he just nodded and I nodded and I walked out of Berlin Bar with an empty beer bottle in my hand.
That's what you call a Win. It's as close to one as you get. This story is about one of the luckiest nights of my life.
I didn't mind so much that night. Sleeping alone, I mean. Beats falling for the Law's Confidence Trick. And having my laces taken off me to insult me with their sweet caring for my welfare and safety.
You have the right to be humane. Any other right they give you is a Trap. I Won that night. I owned the fuck out of that night. You might think I'm bragging about it. I don't mind if you think that.
I don't mind you thinking that at all.
Linear Mode
