Is that the girl who made you the tapes you - unfathomably stupidly - had been hanging onto for a decade or so?
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I miss very little
Hmm....Either my memory is better than yours, or you have been baiting me time and again. Which is it?
Either way Jesse was/is the name of a guy who, for lack of a better way of putting it, sexually abused me growing up. It's the big nasty secret I have been hiding all my life, and only recently have I been able to face it.
Let's preface- I am 10-12 years old, and I befriend a boy down the street named jesse franzen (frenzen?) a guy who, at the time, I think was 15-16 or so. Long ways back, and my memory is blotchy...I think for a 3 year period I can remember almost nothing, and that's how it went until i was 24 or so. Then one day, someone on one of my forums makes an off-hand comment that I am probably gay, and I say to myself "heh fat chance, how can I be gay whan I've never had the slightest interest in men?"
but what about jesse, and what you did? or did you FORGET?...
A voice literally hissed that in my back of my mind, and suddenly a flood of repressed memories came forward. Not at all pleasant, and without warning I suddenly felt shame like I never experienced in my life. I had something to be ashamed of, I had something to hide.
Long story short depression on a magnitude one could not fathom without experiencing it first hand ensued. I hated myself, I wanted to die. And so I set out to kill myself, without meaning to.
On the outside I was a "normal" person, at least by day, but get me alone and with enough cash to purchase booze and/or hard drugs and I was literally tempting fate every single night for years. And years did go by...
Fast forward to recently, and essentially I have come to grips with what happened, but more importantly, with a new set of eyes, I have realized the truth- the truth YOU delivered me to- that the past is what it is, it does not change me, or anyone, it does not define me, or who I am- UNLESS I LET IT.
That's the damned truth I have been seeking this whole time. All these years in church with not a clue why I hurt so bad, all the thousands of dollars and friednships wasted on drugs trying to erase a memory I coudn't bring myself to face untiL I was 31 freaking years old, the simple simple truth was this- it's ok to admit you've been wronged, just see it for what it is, and move FORWARD. My life has been stuck in neutral until the drugs literally swung me into reverse, and I really came close to death. Only when I was really willing to die could I face what had happened, and I then realized I did in fact want to LIVE.
jesse by the way was abused by his family, his older brother (who set the house on fire trying to commit suicide) was I think the worst hit.
And the real kicker- their father was a priest, a mormon (I believe mormon, though he might have been baptist) fucking priest. I am almost sure the father and uncle abused jesse and his brother, and then the buck was passed on to me. What happened to me, given my nearly eidetic memory and the fact I CAN'T REMEMBER MUCH, just bits and pieces (which are very much more than enough) I think i'd rather not know.. I do know, however, that whatever happend was bad enough that around 18-19 years old jesse's older brother locked himself in an upstairs closet and lit himself on fire, burning the house down (he survived somehow, not really sure how). After that, I really didn't keep in close contact.
Strangely enough, and this was an eye opener for me, jesse called me randomly when I was 26, at my mothers place having lunch. Told me he was working at a volkswagon dealership selling cars, asked me how I was doing. Without even meaning to I small balled the conversation and took it to another room and asked him point blank if he remembered what happened in his garage? did I imagine it? His response: "I try not to think about it"
He tried not thinking about it, as I did, meaning he really never wanted to do it in the first place. I tend to think the reason scuter worked so hard to bring me around on everything that has happened was this: Jesse was "passing the buck" of shame he felt on to me. And thus this made me suspect to do the exact same thing someday, against my will. If I refused to ever face what happeend, it would have continued to bring me shame, and someday I might have been in a spot to "pass the buck" and done something unthinkable.
And I can say with 100% sincerity, the buck stops here, and I am thankful beyond words for that.
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If it is, why would I care about her? I couldn't care less if she lived or died and if you haven't spoken to her in many years, neither should you. When I say what I've highlighted in red, I mean literally what I say. Neutral emotions. Zero emotional hangups. You wouldn't -want- her to die, you simply wouldn't waste a thought wistfully longing for the past. That would be the most efficient way to fuck up your present. Which is the most optimal way to handicap your future.
Christina and I stayed in touch for many years, only recently did I remove her from facebook. I realized one day, we had what we had for a while, and the memories were better left in the past. She has a son and typically had little to do with me, unless she had been dumped. Then my life became so very interesting...for a while.
Rubbish
I specifically destroyed the cd she gave me along with the cd with my solara pictures on it., did you not see the post I put in the task work thread? Have a look see, it's been a couple weeks now and I am 100% happier for having destroyed such "soul anchors"
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We hang onto the past when we've lost our sense of Self. Those who suck the life out of us with their love, can seem impossible to let go for reasons which should be painfully obvious but they tend to fly over every stalker's head.
Stalkers have been decimated to zero. They do not believe they can ever be happy alone, or in the company of other members of humanity. They've idiotically been led to believe their only chance for happiness lies in this -one- person. It's pure insanity. And 100% religious.
Interesting...
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You must learn how to live and function and be comfortable with yourSelf before anyone except a creep will even come near you.
TRUTH
Quote:
No one sane is attracted to needy people -because- they're damaged. Once you no longer need someone else in order to FEEL good about yourself, you will become attractive to those who want to have fun. They will bring their happiness to you because they will know, at least subconsciously, that it will be a sane trade. You wouldn't fall apart if they had some fun and then kicked along, because nothing about their choices is offensive. You don't eat the same food 3 times a day 7 times a week 365 days a year for the same reason that marriages are fucking insane. People don't get bored of you, they get bored of repeating. Listen to the same song non-stop, for life. Get married to The One. vomit.
You can kick along, they can kick along, you might miss them and their fun and wish they'd stayed but you wouldn't agonise over it. You'd be cool because...?
Gotcha
Quote:
A recipe for misery, is what it is. And that's what religion is -all- about. Making people suffer. Exploiting their pain. Wagging their filthy fingers at the victims of their miserable demented shame.
Religion works because they flaunt a fraudulent bill of goods in your fucking face. I was being sold a lie, that I needed to be saved by a skygod that cared SO MUCH he literally commited suicide over the whole thing. And only because of this suicide, I might go to heaven, and only if I believed it all happened.....?????????? SO back to reality, and years passed and the only thing I got was this tshirt that says "I'm with stupid" and no fucking arrow blasted piece of crap. Quality control isn't what it used to be, sadly...
Quote:
Don't force him to suffer. He'll feel shitty when the inevitable failure results. Like I said, once awkwardness has been introduced into a relationship, it's an Everest to climb. The important thing to understand is it's nobody 'fault'. His inability to connect with you is not a reflection of his sentiments towards you.
I have decided to move on with my life, and like this post, just saying it is what it is, and ending here.
Hmm....Either my memory is better than yours, or you have been baiting me time and again. Which is it?
Either way Jesse was/is the name of a guy who, for lack of a better way of putting it, sexually abused me growing up. It's the big nasty secret I have been hiding all my life, and only recently have I been able to face it.
Let's preface- I am 10-12 years old, and I befriend a boy down the street named jesse franzen (frenzen?) a guy who, at the time, I think was 15-16 or so. Long ways back, and my memory is blotchy...I think for a 3 year period I can remember almost nothing, and that's how it went until i was 24 or so. Then one day, someone on one of my forums makes an off-hand comment that I am probably gay, and I say to myself "heh fat chance, how can I be gay whan I've never had the slightest interest in men?"
but what about jesse, and what you did? or did you FORGET?...
A voice literally hissed that in my back of my mind, and suddenly a flood of repressed memories came forward. Not at all pleasant, and without warning I suddenly felt shame like I never experienced in my life. I had something to be ashamed of, I had something to hide.
Long story short depression on a magnitude one could not fathom without experiencing it first hand ensued. I hated myself, I wanted to die. And so I set out to kill myself, without meaning to.
On the outside I was a "normal" person, at least by day, but get me alone and with enough cash to purchase booze and/or hard drugs and I was literally tempting fate every single night for years. And years did go by...
Fast forward to recently, and essentially I have come to grips with what happened, but more importantly, with a new set of eyes, I have realized the truth- the truth YOU delivered me to- that the past is what it is, it does not change me, or anyone, it does not define me, or who I am- UNLESS I LET IT.
That's the damned truth I have been seeking this whole time. All these years in church with not a clue why I hurt so bad, all the thousands of dollars and friednships wasted on drugs trying to erase a memory I coudn't bring myself to face untiL I was 31 freaking years old, the simple simple truth was this- it's ok to admit you've been wronged, just see it for what it is, and move FORWARD. My life has been stuck in neutral until the drugs literally swung me into reverse, and I really came close to death. Only when I was really willing to die could I face what had happened, and I then realized I did in fact want to LIVE.
jesse by the way was abused by his family, his older brother (who set the house on fire trying to commit suicide) was I think the worst hit.
And the real kicker- their father was a priest, a mormon (I believe mormon, though he might have been baptist) fucking priest. I am almost sure the father and uncle abused jesse and his brother, and then the buck was passed on to me. What happened to me, given my nearly eidetic memory and the fact I CAN'T REMEMBER MUCH, just bits and pieces (which are very much more than enough) I think i'd rather not know.. I do know, however, that whatever happend was bad enough that around 18-19 years old jesse's older brother locked himself in an upstairs closet and lit himself on fire, burning the house down (he survived somehow, not really sure how). After that, I really didn't keep in close contact.
Strangely enough, and this was an eye opener for me, jesse called me randomly when I was 26, at my mothers place having lunch. Told me he was working at a volkswagon dealership selling cars, asked me how I was doing. Without even meaning to I small balled the conversation and took it to another room and asked him point blank if he remembered what happened in his garage? did I imagine it? His response: "I try not to think about it"
He tried not thinking about it, as I did, meaning he really never wanted to do it in the first place. I tend to think the reason scuter worked so hard to bring me around on everything that has happened was this: Jesse was "passing the buck" of shame he felt on to me. And thus this made me suspect to do the exact same thing someday, against my will. If I refused to ever face what happeend, it would have continued to bring me shame, and someday I might have been in a spot to "pass the buck" and done something unthinkable.
And I can say with 100% sincerity, the buck stops here, and I am thankful beyond words for that.
Christina and I stayed in touch for many years, only recently did I remove her from facebook. I realized one day, we had what we had for a while, and the memories were better left in the past. She has a son and typically had little to do with me, unless she had been dumped. Then my life became so very interesting...for a while.
Rubbish
I specifically destroyed the cd she gave me along with the cd with my solara pictures on it., did you not see the post I put in the task work thread? Have a look see, it's been a couple weeks now and I am 100% happier for having destroyed such "soul anchors"
Interesting...
TRUTH
Gotcha
Religion works because they flaunt a fraudulent bill of goods in your fucking face. I was being sold a lie, that I needed to be saved by a skygod that cared SO MUCH he literally commited suicide over the whole thing. And only because of this suicide, I might go to heaven, and only if I believed it all happened.....?????????? SO back to reality, and years passed and the only thing I got was this tshirt that says "I'm with stupid" and no fucking arrow blasted piece of crap. Quality control isn't what it used to be, sadly...
I have decided to move on with my life, and like this post, just saying it is what it is, and ending here.
MistaCobalina:
don't be so proud, all it means is you have a low testosterone count
Apes of Wrath:
cob nailed it, though high DHT might have been more on the money
damnit you two...my head hair puts that fake pic of wrenchjockey to shame but as for the rest i have like zero body hair. basically i am the most highly evolved human walking the planet.
Linear Mode
