I Know It's Meant Well, but Please Don't Be Catholic...!
Everyone's behaviour in this nothing incident is exemplary but that's the problem I have with it.
It's at the core of everything I've been ranting about.
Maybe for 3/4 of my life, fun has been ruined by creeps. I literally couldn't possibly get emotional about it at this late stage, but yall have to understand that all this sensitivity, delicacy, consideration for assumed emotional states of others is so very Catholic. It's unsolicited. I don't need it; and what's more - no one does.
My whole life, creeps have tip-toed around me worried for 'my' benefit. Lying to me for 'my' benefit. Imposing their filthy shame and corruption onto me - or trying to - because they just assume I would feel guilty or ashamed about something I couldn't possibly even be embarrassed about.
The only people who want you to keep things quiet are people who are ashamed of their actions or people who have something to hide. More than anyone, they need you to bring it out into the open. If they're hiding, or terrified of exposure; they need to be shown the light.
If you're ashamed of something you do, don't do it?
What reason would anyone have to hide anything, unless there's a choir boy that needs to be kept out of sight out of mind. You know?
Stop worrying about pussies and cry-babies. That way, you won't risk creating any. Stop caring about fuckwits who don't want to have fun; they want to be miserable? Why are they breathing? Stop worrying about what offends offensive people.
Tell people to have fun. Fuck their misery. Who knows, maybe they're only doing what they think is expected of them; in their traumatised emotional state.
If they insist on being miserable, fuck 'em. Have fun.
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Originally Posted by MistaCobalina
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Originally Posted by SkyNigger
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Originally Posted by MistaCobalina
So I refrenced the cult you grew up in, in a post in your visa thread, explaining to mike that if anyone has the right to be close minded about Xianity, it's you, based on your background. Then tine made a comment about why am I blowing up spots. So I got paranoid that i shouldn't be talking about your cult in public, and deleted the post. I want to know, if it's alright to talk about your cult/family international in threads? I know you had a thread that referenced the issue a month or so ago and you talked about it extensively (if obliquely), but I wanted to clarify if this was or was not something that could be talked about publicly. Obviously I don't want to piss you off or break trusts or what not.
The entire world should be talking about the CoG. I'm not sure what tine's concerns were?
I pm'd him about it, and he said he thought it was distasteful that I bring up your child hood abuse, no matter how many times you'd talked about it. Which I understand, but the read I got from you was you were in full blown whistle blower mode and didn't mind the references. But, I wanted to make sure my read was right, so I deleted the post I made.
I'm kinda never going to feel shame over being born into the CoG. What the...
He obviously means well but this is the kind of shit that's at the core of everything I've been ranting about. If you think about it, it's really considerate. Too considerate. So considerate it's actually insulting; because there was years where I'd be furious at someone 'outing' me but then that was because I understood this world would hold my childhood against me. Can you imagine being Joe Fritzl's daughter? If you were crazy about some girl and she told you her dad was Fritzl, what would you do?
The instinctual thing is the corruption.
The sane thing is not to insult her by being creeped out. We make all these assumptions about people and they're perfectly horrid and flawed. Tine was obviously trying to look out for me but then I don't need it. I have no need for privacy. I have no shame. Little embarrassed when I ramble tens of thousands of words but then yall should be embarrassed for having ADHD and not medicating for it.
My whole life I've been creeped out by people who "understand" that I need to be treated with kid gloves. Sigh. When I ran to school, I wanted to suppress it not because I was embarrassed - I was 14! I was silent about it for five years because I knew well-intentioned folk would creep me out with their filthy 'caring'.
"He must of really gone through a lot. Don't be hard on him. Make sure all the kids in his class know that they should be sensitive and not give him a hard time."
This sort of BULLSHIT above was what I was terrified of. I'd have gotten destroyed by 'caring' creeps.
When I was 20 and my g/f was getting shitty at me because I was being evasive and giving her absolutely nothing, I started telling her and realised I just forgot it all. I hadn't thought about it in five years. I remembered enough to creep her out. We broke up a month later but it could have been for one of 20 reasons. Or all 20.
At 21, I told my one of my best mates the entire story I could remember (about 80% of my childhood was repressed, which was creeping me out). After which, he said "You should never tell anyone that story ever again." Fucking moron. He was - actually - thinking of my 'interests' but he's a moron.
At 22, I told like four girls who all were annoying me with stories about them being raped. I told them I was very sorry for them but what was I supposed to do about it? Listen to them hang onto their trauma, it would seem. Apparently I was a jerk who didn't know what it was like to be taken advantage of by someone you thought really cared about you (they were all stupid little sluts, the guys were all like schoolteacher, father's business partner, can't remember the others).
They were right. I didn't know what it was like because I'm not a moron. When someone was interested in me, I knew what they wanted. I told all four some stories which horrified them; intended to make the point that their pathetic whining was really more irrelevant than anything and that they'd be better off just kicking on with life. But on all four occasions, I started recalling feelings of intense shame when I was pretty young, and then I'd hit the wall and couldn't remember anything more. And I'd just shut down in terror, and run away. I was obviously never going to go there sober.
When high, I went there a lot and just ran into solid walls. I'd remember the shame, and remember wanting to die and then nothing. I was pretty convinced my whole life that I'd never been been molested but suddenly I wasn't so sure; and this was masking my real terror which I briefly considered once before freaking out about as it seemed pretty likely to my mind that my greatest fear had been realised: "the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree after all".
The reason I even thought moronic shit like this is because I was reading some article when I was 14 and this psychiatrist (well-respected) with a string of letters after his name (which I sucked in by at 14, with dreams of passing Year 10) was making the argument that victims of broken homes invariably become violent and abusive and beat their wives and molest children; alcoholics etc. I'm not over-simplifying his argument. I'm fleshing it out. He literally asserted the correlation as fact. I was 14 and respected academics, and I thought "No! No no no no not me. I'm not going to be. I can break the rules."
I just wanted to have fun. This psychiatrist was saying I was predisposed to being a violent sex offender. He knew a lot so I was terrified.
Fucking creeps.
And there I was at 22, thinking he had to have been right about me after all. I can do logic and logically, my repression made no sense whatsoever. As I literally couldn't be embarrassed about being born into Hell. And yet I was repressing massive tracts. And all I could remember was shame and fury and suicide / murder / violent thoughts. I became convinced (without ever consciously thinking objectively about it) that I was "damaged". It's the only thing that made sense to me when I was 21/22.
What was I trying to hide from myself. This was the question I never dared to ask. I just suffered. You should ask every question you're terrified of the answer to. You could be surprised. Fear is moronic.
And so I ran towards the light, secretly fearing that I might be a pedophile (just like I hated faggots when someone suggested I might be one when I was 16, simply too terrified to respond to pretty girls' interest). The funny thing about terror is that it doesn't have to make sense. I started despising anyone who even flirted with the 18/17 cutoff. If a friend hooked up with a 17 yr old I would denounce them as a pedo publicly; if they refused to adopt a suitably apologetic and remorseful tone when I'd lecture them privately. God I was a piece of work. The reality that I wasn't remotely attracted to children never actually occurred to me; just like the fact that I wasn't gay. It just doesn't matter when you're too horrified to "go there".
I didn't go there until I was 28. When the idea first struck me that I wasn't attracted to children because maybe the cutest girl I've ever seen threatened to say I raped her. She was 16, but I didn't know that obviously. I thought she was a stupid 19 yr old hi-so. She was a stupid 16 yr old hi-so. She was ready to go to war because I refused to sleep with her. She was threatening me. It was retarded. Funny. And then it got a little scary.
She was so fucking stupid it was ludicrous. My apartment was "so cool". I was so funny! (I really wasn't being). My fridge was "so cool" (it wasn't). My couch was "totally cool" (it - really - wasn't). She loved my blinds. OMG! They were blinds. She loved my computer. I was queered out, trying to work out what was wrong with her. She loved the view. The view was cool. And then she gave it away. She'd never been on that high a floor before, and the thought struck me as I sobered that she looked a lot younger than I had thought.
"How old are you?"
Terror in her eyes, and I started laughing. 21. 19. 18. 17. 16. 15? NO WAY. She spat in disgust. So 16? Confirmed. I laughed. I was a little bit stupid actually, very patronising; she got - so - furious when she tried to "change my mind" by taking her clothes off. I was staring at this child naked, just laughing.
"What are you doing?"
If looks could kill, I'd be dead decades before then. But the fury in her eyes, at my having the 'nerve' to call her a child. She threw something at me, because I was laughing. She was very cute, just like a 5 year old.
"Don't be silly. There are a billion boys your age who would kill to see you without your clothes on. What's wrong with them?"
Her boyfriend was 16. I was mildly stunned.
"What are you doing in Thonglor clubs at 3am?"
Apparently he just wanted to have sex all the time. So he was 16 and sane. And she wasn't interested. I pretended not to understand but I think I did.
We all want what we can't have.
But then this isn't natural. This is the corruption. This is "Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's..."
What I never understood when they were trying to drill envy into me, is why would I covet anything? If I wanted my neighbour's ass that badly, why wouldn't I go get myself a donkey of my own? They didn't have answers for me.
And who doesn't feel an emotion because they're ORDERED not to? Are you stupid world. DON'T FEEL...XXX..!! OKAY?! IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO FEEL THAT WAY.
This is what they're doing with racism in the media, every day. You just have to open your eyes and you'll see it. They FREAK OUT when a guy with an Asian wife says "chink in the armor". Teehee. Watch them tell the world about it, when the reality is ball commentators say "chick in the armor" all the fucking time. And zero % chance it was a slur.
He has an Asian wife. I don't think he's making a racist slur talking about Lin. And if he was, ESPN reacted so horrifically and transparently. Put yourself in Lin's position. All these creeps caring about his emotional sensitivity, for his benefit. Marketing the racism to the whole country.
"Thou shalt not make naughty racist innuendos and puns!"
"Thou shalt tolerate thy differences."
"Thou shalt not be so incorrigible you devilish rogue! Naughty naughty naughty...! You're so wicked. Hehe."
You wanna hear about the only time in my life I've been racist? I came out of it after two years and wanted to kill myself for being such a moron. Every Thai girl was ugly. What was I supposed to do? lolz.
Racism isn't naughty. Racism is shooting your idiotic face in the foot. Racism is your ignorance, being marketed back to you as "naughty". They're owning your stupid face.
"Thou shalt not drink alcohol until you're old enough to have fun!"
They came to our school when we were 14 and warned us. They warned us not to get older siblings to buy it for us. They warned us to wait until we were old enough to be responsible. After all, it could lead to sex.
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's shit."
Yeah, but why would I? I would just go get my own shit, if I was impressed with his shit. And if I couldn't, why would I hate on him for doing what I was prevented from doing and wanted to? I'd be happy for him. I didn't understand. They couldn't tell me. They just wanted to tell me what NOT to do, just in case I hadn't thought of feeling that way yet. That's what the entire Bible is about. And it's why they refuse to redact the vile.
It's filthy creepy slime. Almost brilliant but then it's not really that bright. Catholics have ruined billions of lives with this suggestive shit.
This girl was a little crazy though. She liked to play the game because she was no doubt very 'successful' at it. She wasn't very good at 'losing' though, but then she was only losing when she was very 'successful' at it. She wasn't losing in my apartment. But she didn't know that. This creepy world had confused her in order to fuck her. They do this a lot. So many fucking creeps and pedos.
So she threatened to say I raped her, and I was trying assess risk whilst telling her to stop being an idiot. I wasn't being offensive. She wasn't seeing the reality very clearly. All she knew was Rejection = Pain. I was thinking how the would the law respond here? My mind was racing running through possibilities; obviously I could demand a medical which theoretically should clear me but then it's not that simple. She was so fucking cute, I could myself get the shit kicked out of me by perfectly 'sane' cops because "why would she lie?"
Then when it turned out she was lying, suddenly they're in a spot so maybe it works out better for everyone that I be tagged as the creep they initially thought. This is what I was thinking half-drunk at the time, no idea how likely it is.
All I had to do was sleep with her or fool around, and I'd be safe. It wasn't an ethical decision, it was a great deal more like a 16 year old boy holding the same threat to my throat. I tried to imagine myself doing it, because who needs drama really. But it was just too ridiculous. It was identical to how you'd feel with a 16 year old boy naked threatening the same thing. Just suck his dick and he won't go to the cops. I laughed and told her where the police station was. She stormed out, telling me not to "go anywhere".
Okay kid. lolz.
Then I looked around at drugs, and other things; and suddenly thought maybe I'd been too cavalier. I raced after her, frantically; to talk her down. I caught up with her outside the building in the courtyard, she was standing there just crying. Devastated. What an insane world. What sick world of creeps does this to children. This girl could have any 16 yr old. And probably any confused > 16 year old as well. She was a child.
I told her to come back up and I'd explain the world to her. So I did that. And she got bored lolz. So I took her to breakfast and sent her home. By then she was annoying me going on and on about how amazing her boyfriend was and how she was feeling terrible. I didn't give a fuck about her boyfriend or her guilt. But I did feel like a heroic god of Nobility, and I was pretty chuffed with myself. And relieved.
Four days later, I saw her in WIP; laughing and drinking with a 30-35 yr old Thai who was very chuffed with himself. And excited. I laughed.
Poor boyfriend. lolz. He just wanted to have sex all the time.
It was weeks later when the thought hit me that I could be - pretty - sure I wasn't into children. And instantly I got angry; thinking this was going to be another ridiculous thing just like the homophobia. No longer afraid, I went there. And I remembered everything.
I was ashamed because I was watching children get molested. They just wouldn't listen to me when I would hiss at them that we needed to run. I was a fucking hero, of sorts. Probably more arrogance than courage, but sometimes I didn't manage to get clear before trouble came in. Frustrated. Confused. With a hard-on. I never saw a thing, at least, I've never pulled up any memory graphics. But I heard a lot. I got the soundtrack.
Eyelids. No earlids. Tight intelligent design.
I would sit with these kids and stare into nothingness for as long as I could stand it. It felt like we both were in it together. I would feel shitty because we really weren't. I'd just heard things, and I couldn't save them. I never saved a single child ever. I just saved me. So I hated them whilst they were being loved by Jesus, for putting me in that position. And then I'd hate myself for hating them, when the danger had gone.
I felt like such a rat. I could of killed them I was so furious, when my ass was on the line. Then I'd be so relieved and feel so filthy, when my ass was no longer on the line I wanted to killed me. That was the shame I remembered at 21/22. I just couldn't save them. Survivor's 'guilt'. Hah. Contributed to ruin a decade. I couldn't remember my failed attempts at 'heroism' / acting in my own best interest.
I'm pretty fucking angry about the decade, though. I know how it all happened. 'Sweet' and 'caring' creeps, who want to be sensitive to my traumatic childhood without realising when they do that, they're prolong the trauma. I'm sure they mean well; and by "them" of course I mean me. This is what I was doing, telling myself I didn't want to go there.
You should always go there. The Vatican says to repress. Think positive?
Or you could just think sane.
Fuck those filthy Vatican creeps. This polite 'considerate' delicate egg-shells insulting bullshit is their classic calling card.
"Don't feel bad about your childhood. You shouldn't feel ashamed. It's not like you enjoyed it or asked for it right? Even if you did it's to be expected, and it's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You just didn't know any better. You were raised to believe this crap is okay. So don't feel bad about what you did. They were the sickos. Not you."
What.the.Fuck?
I paraphrased the above from an actual comment to Noah Taylor's HBO doco on CoG on YouTube.
These fucking vile pedos. I saw comments like this one in every pedophile thread on ThaiVisa.
Catholicism. It's literally not a big deal now. But this sort of thing at 21, ruined my 20s. Sonatine should know better. I won't insult him by walking on egg-shells; even though all my 'instincts' show that I'm perfectly capable of appearing 'hypocritical' here. It's completely understandable, I've done it to people and myself my whole life. But this whole world needs to toughen up. Of course, that's my point.
No one would be soft if our mothers weren't the creepiest sensitive considerate ashamed-for-our-benefit vile face-painting villains of our lives.
This world needs to stop insulting everyone and imposing emotional corruption onto those who haven't a clue they could possibly feel bad until everyone tells them not to feel bad.
Just say no to Catholicism. We don't need the tenderising. And I've had a quarter of a century dealing with this creepy marinade.
Who doesn't feel an emotion because they're ORDERED not to? Are you stupid world. DON'T FEEL...XXX..!! OKAY?! IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO FEEL THAT WAY.
This is what they're doing with racism in the media, every day. You just have to open your eyes and you'll see it. They FREAK OUT when a guy with an Asian wife says "chink in the armor". Teehee. Watch them tell the world about it, when the reality is ball commentators say "chick in the armor" all the fucking time. And zero % chance it was a slur.
He has an Asian wife. I don't think he's making a racist slur talking about Lin. And if he was, ESPN reacted so horrifically and transparently. Put yourself in Lin's position. All these creeps caring about his emotional sensitivity, for his benefit. Marketing the racism to the whole country.
"Thou shalt not make naughty racist innuendos and puns!"
"Thou shalt tolerate thy differences."
"Thou shalt not be so incorrigible you devilish rogue! Naughty naughty naughty...! You're so wicked. Hehe."
You wanna hear about the only time in my life I've been racist? I came out of it after two years and wanted to kill myself for being such a moron. Every Thai girl was ugly. What was I supposed to do? lolz.
Racism isn't naughty. Racism is shooting your idiotic face in the foot. Racism is your ignorance, being marketed back to you as "naughty". They're owning your stupid face.
Because I'm right, and because it's important to be audible (as the alternative is being creepy); I go to the effort of commenting on these vile articles. Because lots of good people are sucked in by the creeps.
And creeps. Creeps win. But then you should stop letting them be so fucking creepy.
You think it's an accident that they zap all paragraphs? Punctuation isn't important when you have nothing intelligent to say. A 'witty' zinger? One line of opinion? Everything intelligent takes longer. Paragraphs being killed surreptitiously without an edit or delete function is how you make people get frustrated when they have ADHD.
As I was saying, 40Suzette, if anyone has a right to be close minded about religion it's Scooter.
And frankly, I think atheists should be more aggressively "close minded." The late, great Christopher Hitchens didn't consider himself an atheist, that term was too benign, not pro active enough. He was an anti-theist. He aggressively attacked religion in all it's forms because he thought it was evil and dangerous nonsense.
I gotta say, as someone who comes from a long line of Catholic hating Masons, that it does tilt me how Scooter uses Catholicism and Christianity as synonyms. Fuck the pope! I know pike feels me on that one.
As I was saying, 40Suzette, if anyone has a right to be close minded about religion it's Scooter.
And frankly, I think atheists should be more aggressively "close minded." The late, great Christopher Hitchens didn't consider himself an atheist, that term was too benign, not pro active enough. He was an anti-theist. He aggressively attacked religion in all it's forms because he thought it was evil and dangerous nonsense.
ROFL you do realize the inherent hypocrisy in being both an atheist and a married man correct? Scuter's post above clearly says "My wife is asian" so do tell how one can be both atheistic and yet partaking of a religious ceremony "under God" hmm?
I Know It's Meant Well, but Please Don't Be Catholic...!
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