OK so like 6 weeks ago on a Saturday night, I was sittin' in my room drunk off my ass...surfing craigslist, (erotic services obv) and anyway I see this ad from some black chick with this killer apple ass....hmmm..so I call her up and she seemed sweet and funny and what the fuck, might as well...it was only 100 bones for the complete GFE so I give her my address and she says she will be here by 4 am. sweet I was horny as fuck and hadn't been laid since I 86'd my Persian gf in L.A. months before....the time had come
So the sun is startin' to come up, and I am kinda wondering if she flaked on me and bam my phone rings and she says she is outside...solid. So I go to the front door to let her in and whoah...she actually looked pretty fucking hot...way better than her craigslist pic...so I open the door and I'm like 'dayummm we are gonna have some funnn' and she just laughs and we head into my room and spent the next hour and a 1/2 doin everything but the kitchen sink. All in all a very pleasurable experience with no regrets. (I'll spare you the nasty details because its really irrelevant to this post, but yes I fucked her lights out and she sucked the chrome off my cock)
OK so here is the thing....as many of you know I live in a duplex here in Sacramento...well I have the master bedroom and I rented out the other 2 rooms.
Well I made the mistake of renting my small room to this hard core Christian 6 foot 5 black dude. (he interviewed well lol) When I say hardcore I mean it... I mean this dude had King James bibles laying all over the place and talks about 'the Lord' and 'Gods plan' etc etc and quite frankly it was getting on my nerves. When I let him move in I just said 'dude i just want someone in here who is relatively clean and isn't going to invite 20 people over every weekend and keeps the kitchen clean and pays his rent on time'. He didn't have a place to sleep when he first moved in, and I knew he was kinda hard up for money so I let him use my air mattress so he didn't have to sleep on the carpet of his room...and when I made dinner I was offering him a plate...basically being a good guy trying to ship some good vibes and pray he wasn't going to be a headcase foolishly optimistic we would get along with no glitches
OK back to my craigslist hooker LoL >
So I bang this chick every which way but sideways, and we are layin' back on my bed sweating trying to catch our breath watching 'Good Morning America' laughing, joking around ( I think she had as much fun as I did ) and we finally get up and get dressed.
So as we are walking out of my room...'Joe' is sitting there (this is a Sunday morning at 7 am mind you) watching some televangelist show on TV literally knelt down praying LoooL and here we come....me and my craigslist rent-a-skank strolling through the living room dripping sweat and smelling like fornication right in front of his Sunday morning sermon LoooL....the guy never said a word.
Phase 2 >
Aside from being a 'born again' Christian, the guy was a fucking pig. I had asked him a bunch of times to keep his stupid George Foreman grill grease under control and he obv didn't care because the kitchen was always a clusterfuck. I mean I keep a few plates out overnight etc but man this dude was a nightmare....I buffed out our kitchen at least 4 times in a row cleaning up his mess and my mess and my other roommates mess for at least a month and never said a word just hoping he might get a fucking clue and chip in on his own....to no avail.
So one day I cleaned up everything....did all the dishes, vacuumed...wiped everything so crystal clean it was shining, and 3 days later we had twin kitchen sinks full of dirty dishes and bugs flying around the garbage area. So I am making coffee in the morning and he comes stumbling in and I say 'Hey Joe, would you mind chipping in a little in the kitchen clean up department I mean come on dude I have been cleaning up after you guys for 4 weeks now man this shit is getting kinda old...just do your own dishes man' (or something to that effect)
HOLY SHIT he fucking goes OFF on me !! Immediately getting in my face calling me a 'liar' and a 'hypocrite' and ripping into me how he has done so much to keep the place clean LoL I was just sittin there flabbergasted ...seriously. I could not fathom shouldering any blame whatsoever for this fucked up kitchen. It was truly comical. But this is one big negro....dude works (excuse me-worked*) for Brinks security....he would have kicked my ass without a doubt....But I stood my ground, I am like ya know what man... you got fucking rage issues ...look at you...I am trying to solve a pretty simple problem and you can't even discuss this like an adult. (pretty much how it went)
I was pretty freaked out that the guy is getting in my face posturing like he was gonna get physical so I say flat out... 'dude if you put even so much as one finger on me, I am gonna get your ass arrested so fast its gonna make your head spin' (he is stepping up like 1 foot from my face as this whole conversation is going on) and he just laughs saying how many people he knows in the Sacramento police dept...and then smiles this smug smile and says that I don't have to worry about anything like that...ok whatever man. The whole conversation escalated into this ridiculous argument brimming with hostile energy and all I really wanted was a clean kitchen. He backs off and goes to his room.
OK so (bear with me) I leave him his 30 day notice under his door the next day he needs to get the fuck out...and the guy disappears for a week....no word...nothing...I really didn't know what to think.
So 2 days later I get this scribbled note under my door that he is bailing at the end of September...sweeeeeeeeeet. But he had 2 weeks left basically under my roof. When we had our 'face to face' I told him straight up....'this is YOUR deal now' (re: the kitchen) so I was eating out and just microwaving to prove a point that he was the fucking hypocrite/liar not me. ( God damn I love born again Christians)
The Kicker >
So after he gave his 'notice' I had an ad on craigslist immed ( no, not erotic services.... share rentals..LoL) and some psycho crackhead bitch calls me at like 7 in the morning on Saturday crying how her boyfriend had stolen her car keys and was kicking her out and she needed a place to stay....I was thinkin sweeet...perfect roommate compared to this fucking prick so I say come on over ...check it out. Well Joe's shit was still in his room but he didn't have a lock (dumbass).....this crackhead comes over and she was all tweeked out, but I open up Joes room to show her and OMG shit everywhere...paper plates.....water jugs...clothes...empty cans you name it...it was a fucking disaster.....even this freaked out crackhead was thrown for a loop and she is all 'ok thanks but no thanks' pretty much and fled the scene.
Well this was on a Saturday morning during the Fed Ex cup and I had nothin to do so I start drinking screwdrivers at 9 am and by 11 am I was kinda toasted..
So I go outside and check out the driveway and both Joe and my other roommate where nowhere to be seen....I was kinda hammered already so I stagger up to Joe's unlocked door...and peek in at all of his shit and start laughing uncontrollably.
I slide my superman undies down, whip out my cock.... and donate about 7 or 8 ounces of nice warm Jewdonk piss into his Crystal Geyser water bottle and shake it up nicely leaving it right where I found it.
The day before he moved out ...I snuck another peek into his room, and the very same water bottle was right where it was supposed to be, except it was bone dry.
Payback is a bitch motherfucker, I hope you enjoyed the piss flavored Gatorade
TAPPER: MY GIFT TO YOU
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